I have been packing like crazy for the past week. As the saying goes, you don’t know how much stuff you have till you relocate. Exactly a year ago, I moved into this small, two-bedroom apartment due to necessity. I have never lived alone, not that I haven’t wanted to. Always had at least one roommate, and well, a spouse. I have loved living alone and having my own space. I loved furnishing my apartment. I remember purchasing my sectional sofa and bed, assembling them, then slowly adding in rugs, a small dining table and MCM dining chairs, hanging wall art, and styling the space in a way that felt cozy and warm, like home. Here I am, about to relocate again to a new place, a house. It’s a small house, one bedroom, tiny yard, garage mainly for storage, and a covered carport. I’ve fretted so much because of the neighborhood the home is located in. I hate to say it, but when I drive through the neighborhood, I feel distressed. The homeowner repeatedly said it’s a safe area, blah, blah, blah; nevertheless, it’s a culture shock. I love the house itself, however. It’s set back from the street beside two other homes. Still, I worry I won’t like the area. The lease is not forever, so there is that. All signs tell me it’s a good move, despite my qualms.

This morning I experienced a very strong wave of dizziness – not the first time. I thought it was a panic attack, but it was mostly my body telling me to slow down and take better care of it. Yesterday, I had to give a training at work for Parents of First Year Students on campus, which didn’t take long, thankfully. But I did pack before and after, way into the night. I woke up this morning with a giant headache, body aches, and pains – you know, the usual. I was stretching, and a certain movement caused a very unwelcome wave of nausea. I had to lie down and rest for most of the morning until it passed. After eating, I felt slightly better. Still not super great, but here I am writing this post.

I move next Monday. I hired movers, but still so much more to pack. Then there’s the unpacking. Multiple stressors compete for my attention – family crises, financial worries, moving, work, health, my dog, who needs to see a dental veterinarian. What struck me this morning as I was lying on my sofa is how much grief creeps in on top of all the other stuff, the loss of multiple things, including my youth, marriage, seeing someone you love suffer, thus the aches and pains. I felt this morning that I could not handle another minute of it. I will truly miss this place, this beachy community, what has come to be home for the past year, perhaps just this small chapter of my life, which has turned out to be a whopper.

I’ve come across rainbows multiple times in the past couple of weeks. The rainbow is an ancient symbol of peace and divine honor. Though things feel so turbulant in this moment, I feel certain there will be a rainbow on the other side, even if I have to paint one, dammit, in my art journal.

Rainbow, Kacey Musgraves. I learned to play this on my little digital piano. Maybe one day I’ll post. But no one can sing it as well as Kacey ❤

Photo by eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplash