Crossroads

I did it. Yesterday, April 17, under the New Moon, I resigned from my job. The New Moon symbolizes fresh beginnings, intention-setting, planting seeds, and quiet reflection. My last day will be May 20, the end of my contract and the close of the semester. A chapter is ending.

I began this role as a university psychotherapist in June 2023, just three days after leaving my ex-husband and moving into a small apartment of my own. In many ways, that job marked the beginning of a new life. But the work proved far more demanding than I had anticipated.

During my time at the university, I came to a quiet but persistent truth: I’ve never really enjoyed being a therapist. I kept waiting for it to get better, but it never did. Instead, the work grew heavier, increasingly draining. And I’m afraid not even the summer, winter, and spring breaks could prevent burnout.

What did light me up was my role as the Asian & Pacific Islander (API) Cultural Center Liaison, work rooted in supporting the mental health and wellbeing of API students. That space felt different — lighter — and the students were an absolute joy to work with.

I believe I’m a good trauma therapist. The starry heavens know I’ve poured years and more money than I care to recount on trainings, books, and a lifetime’s worth of lived experience. It just rings hollow. That may sound harsh. I wish I’d known then what I know now. I can’t reclaim that time, but I can choose what comes next: a slower, simpler, more artful life.

I’m hoping to grow my sound therapy practice, Om Sacred Sound Journeys, and leave room for whatever else wants to emerge. I know music will be part of this next chapter and writing, too. I’m planning on beginning a new book.

My last book never found commercial success. I’ve only just started reading it for the first time since it was published in 2017. I mean, how many times did I reread, reshape, and edit the draft? The story of my first trip to Taiwan to meet my birth family marks one of the most significant chapters of my life. Publishing it wasn’t for nothing. A younger version of me wrote those pages from a very different place. And still, the emotions are just as vivid, from the search to the moment we found our way back to one another.

Earlier this week, the oracle card “to the stars and beyond” surfaced in my (tarot) reading from Rose Bae Tarot’s These Blue Bones, a deck having a moment right now. It felt like both a spark and an affirmation for my decision to resign. Lately, I find myself thinking about mortality, not out of gloom, but clarity. Time shifts after fifty. There’s less time to do what makes you happy. In this season, I get to choose how I live it. Autonomy. Personal sovereignty. Independence. Let me embody this new path, to the stars and beyond.


This song brings me back to my younger self. I’ve been especially nostalgic of late. It may not quite fit this post, but it fits my mood perfectly.

Embracing Slow Living: A Spring Break Reflection

Hi ya’ll. Haven’t visited WP in quite some time. I’m reveling in the quiet meanderings of spring break. Yes, it finally arrived, and not a minute too soon. My pup, Poppie, is visiting till Friday. She is the best-est companion, happy little sassy soul. To savor slow living is truly the greatest gift of all.

During my morning meditation and reading, the Opulence card came forward (Magick of You Oracle). There are times when I draw a card that simply doesn’t resonate as much as the others in a reading, appears the opposite of what I’m thinking and feeling, and likely for good reason! Here is the insight offered in the guidebook:

There is great wisdom in going with life’s flow and choosing battles, conflicts and accepting change wisely and peacefully. There is also a time to assert your authority and trust your wisdom and leadership skills. People and situations are now looking to you for guidance. Wear your success and assets proudly – they are well earned. It’s time to be a light so that others may follow.

The girl of Opulence wears the lavish golden crown of leadership. It emits a radiant glow and signifies spiritual enlightenment as well as earthly accomplishment. Being in an exalted position gives you the opportunity to be a wise leader and help others, much like happiness is only real when shared, and being exalted only meaningful when it helps others.

I’m not a leader of anything, except that of my own life. Wear your success and assets proudly – they were well earned, resounds. What I’ve accomplished over the past three years has been no small feat. “Being in an exalted position” speaks to me of privilege. Using my position of privilege means helping others. Since childhood, I’ve felt a deep call to help others. I didn’t know then what I know now, however, that helping others comes at a cost – that of your own health and wellbeing if not tended to properly.

There is a ritual included with each oracle card in the deck. The ritual associated with Opulence is: The Light of Leadership. It calls the querent to write a list of their personally perceived best assets and accomplishments, then ask someone who knows the querent well what they think their best assets and accomplishements are. Finally, the querent is called to ask a stranger what they perceive might be useful and advantageous to them (the querent). So, I ask, dear reader, if you might be so inclined to send what you perceive might be useful and advantageous to me. I would sincerely appreciate it. No inappropriate comments please, as they will promptly be removed. This is the initial part of the ritual.

Here is what I came up with regarding my list of personally perceived assets and accomplishments:

  • Wisdom
  • Kindness
  • Compassion
  • Musical ability
  • Resilience
  • Strong intuition
  • Achieved LCSW | earned somatic sound practitioner certification (ugh another certification)
  • Wrote a book
  • Divorce
  • Independence and freedom
  • Confidence
  • Motherhood

The purpose of the ritual is to shine your light into dark places where needed. Subsequently, an opportunity to allow yourself to shine may appear in which you can be of help to others. Whether you believe in magic or not, it’s a fun little ritual that can only bring more light into the world.

Perhaps the call to assert your leadership skills as indicated in the meaning of this card symbolizes the need to be the leader of my own life, to claim my personal soverignty and power. After all, I am finally free, well mostly free. It took forever to get here, and I must carry on.

FYI, oracle cards are highly subjective and intuitive. They do not predict the future, but encourage self-reflection and honesty with oneself.

Cheers!

Glorious Music

Have you ever been so moved by a piece of music that you cry? I have. I do.

For days, I’ve felt drawn to listen to Max Richter’s, On the Nature of Light. Are you familiar with it? It’s easily one of my favorite contemporary classical pieces of music. I love all of Max Richter’s works. I wanted to give the music my full attention and found the quiet of this morning the perfect time. I sat with headphones on, hands crossed over my heart, and let the music hold space. I literally shed tears, so captured was I. I experienced so many different thoughts and emotions. In my journal I made a list: ecstasy, sorrow, despair, sadness, transcendence, love, intimacy, desire, longing, yearning, hope, bliss, magick, forgiveness, tenderness, tolerance, caress, breath, movement, darkness, light, expression, expansion, transformation, warmth, belief, faith, embrace, connection, grief, loss, truth…And yet words are truly insufficient to describe this kind of magick. I had this piece on repeat as I flowed through my morning tarot read. The first card, Art (aka Temperance in RWS system) – Making anything you do a work of art; friendship between mind and heart; rest and activity; light and dark; self and others; taking a creative or aesthetic approach, viewing the situation with an artistic eye.

Music saves and meets me exactly where I’m at. My first love, likely my last! I remember playing piano for hours in a tiny practice room at Centenary College (of Shreveport). Just me and Beethoven, Chopin, or Mozart. No fear or judgment. No pressure to please an audience or play perfectly. Connection to the keyboard, sound, frequency, vibration. It was sublime. In today’s heavy, heavy world, music has such power to uplift and is always a safe connection.

I stumbled upon an artist new to me, Yannic Lowack, a German composer. The piece featured below is called Leuer, another work that brings me to tears. He posted a small sample of an orchestral version, no piano, on his Instagram – you can find him on YouTube and IG.

I miss those days of studying music and daily piano practice. I’m reminded of who I was, who I am, despite years of being away – a musician, a lover of the expressive arts. May the days ahead bring opportunities to return to the keyboard and to my musical inheritance.


things inspiring me at the turn of a new year

The turning of a new year feels like a threshold. A liminal space where the old hasn’t fully released and the new is still forming. I’m approaching this year with reverence and a willingness to listen.

I’m inspired by emptiness and pause, by moving slowly enough to feel my breath, my body, and the subtle ways intuition speaks. Though I’m nearly 60, this season is teaching me that becoming is a spiritual process, not something to force, but something to tend. I often feel like I’m learning things I wish I’d practiced in my 40s.

Music, art, and tarot are my spiritual anchors. Music connects me to vibration and frequency, but also to younger years, to innocence and curiosity, adventure and fearlessness. Music brings me back into rhythm when I feel scattered, and art is a devotional practice, a way of communing with the divine through color, texture, and movement. It allows emotion to alchemize into meaning without needing explanation.

Tarot is my sacred mirror. Not a tool for prediction, but a language of images and symbols that invite dialogue with my soul. Each card is an invitation to slow down, to notice what is stirring beneath the surface, and to trust my inner wisdom over all the external noise.

My rituals tend to be simple yet intentional. Making my morning cup of coffee. Lighting a candle before I begin. Playing music with awareness. Creating without an outcome in mind. Pulling a card and sitting with its message as a form of prayer. These practices ground me in the present moment and remind me that spirituality lives in attention, not performance, and for one who has struggled with crippling performance anxiety, it is an invitation to let go.

This year, I’m choosing devotion over productivity, alignment over striving. I’m honoring rest as sacred and simplicity as a form of truth. I’m learning to recognize the divine in ordinary moments: A familiar melody, light through my window, the quiet companionship of my beloved pup.

As I step into this new year, I am trying my best to do so with soft faith. Trusting timing, the unseen, and allowing life to unfold as it will. Let me be guided by sound, symbol, and creative spirit, for they are truly the languages through which my soul remembers what it already knows.


Down memory lane. Oh, how I loved classic rock growing up. This playlist stirs up cherished memories, a sense of innocence and curiosity, and the wild, adventurous spirit of those years.

 

on the eve of

This morning, I journaled about how difficult this past year has been. So much anger, resentment, fatigue, and disappointment. Two years post-divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage, the lingering challenges can feel overwhelming on some days. My own self-limiting beliefs and negativity don’t help. They tend to feed a sense of disillusionment that can be hard to escape.

And yet, I keep going, must keep going. In the process, I sometimes lose sight of all I have actually accomplished over these past two years, even as the work of grieving continues.

On a brighter note, winter break has offered moments of creativity and rest. I’ve been collaging and recently had a photo shoot for my new website. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t thrilled with how I looked, but the camera captures what it captures. Aging is inevitable, and some days that truth lands more heavily than others.

The shoot itself was no small feat. It was cold and windy, and hauling my Tibetan and crystal singing bowls through beach sand took more energy than I had to spare. I left some instruments and props in the car simply because I didn’t have it in me to carry more. The photos will do for now. Perhaps I’ll try again in the spring, somewhere other than the beach! Still, the sunset was beautiful, despite my whining.

As we step into a new year, I wish you joy, good health, abundance, and new adventures. May your days be brighter, your nights calmer, and your moments sweeter in 2026. I enter this next chapter grateful for endings and new beginnings, carrying a quiet sense of adventure yet fear of the unknown.

a gentle life

I want a slow, simple, peaceful life,
one that doesn’t ask me to live on edge,
one that doesn’t grind my bones to dust
just to pay the goddamn rent.

A life where enough is enough,
where healing is a calling
that feeds me too,
not just everyone else.

I wish for mornings that open softly,
light pouring in without alarms,
hands in fur and soft whinnies,
the quiet language of animals–
knowing without words

I don’t want castles.
or keys to forever.
I don’t even care about a home.
Only a place where love is close
and the ones I cherish
are within reach of my voice.

Why is that so hard?
Why does something so small
feel near impossible,
like asking the world to stop spinning
for one gentle hour?

And still, inside this tired chest,
there lives a stubborn spark
that keeps whispering,
there must be more than this,
there must be a slower way to live.

So I hold that whisper
like a candle in the dark
and dream of a life
that doesn’t hurt to wake up to.


Honor Rest & Renewal on Samhain

Today, I pause. I breathe. I rest and honor my ancestors on this blessed Samhain.

I’m grateful to have the day off – to simply be. To sit in stillness and solitude without the weight of expectation feels like a blessing in itself. The veil is thin today, and I lean into the presence of those who came before me – my birth mother and father, and the lineage of ancestors whose names I may never know. I honor them, and I honor the mystery that connects us across time and space.

Lately, life has felt full and demanding. I’m working full-time again, and though I hoped summer break would bring the restoration I so deeply needed, fatigue seems to have returned too soon. Halfway through the fall semester, I find myself wondering how to sustain balance – how to counsel others, meet the demands of my current job while not forgetting myself.

My dream remains clear: To eventually transition into full-time sound therapy work. Supporting my adult daughter these past two years has delayed that shift, yet I hold faith that in time, things will align. When she finds her footing, I’ll be able to step more fully into the work my heart longs for, creating healing spaces through resonance, stillness, and sound.

Despite the challenges, I’m proud of the small steps forward. I’ve completed my website, OM Sacred Sound Journeys, a milestone that feels like planting a tiny seed. Beginning next February, I’ll offer bi-weekly sound therapy sessions, a sacred rhythm I hope will grow into something sustainable and nourishing. 

I’m reconnecting with my musical roots, singing and playing for a herd I once worked with in equine-assisted psychotherapy and slowly returning to my guitar after years away. These small acts of reconnection remind me that healing unfolds gradually, as does starting a private practice.

Self-employment feels both thrilling and terrifying. The freedom to follow my calling is overshadowed by the very real worries of bills, rent, health insurance, and all the practicalities of life. Yet amidst uncertainty, I sense that this path is where I’m meant to go.

So today, under the quiet light of Samhain, I choose rest. I choose reflection. I choose to listen deeply to the whispers of my ancestors, to the call of my own heart, and to stillness. May this season bring renewal, remembrance, and faith in what is yet to come.


Photo by Catherine Crawford on Unsplash

Dark Moon

Hello World! Wow, it’s been a minute since I last visited WordPress. It is the eve of Mabon and the Autumn Equinox – if you live in the Northern hemsphere – and  Ostara and the Spring Equinox – if you live in the Southern hemisphere. I will be observing Mabon bright and early first thing tomorrow morning before work…sigh…with a group of other like-minded and spirited individuals. It is also a dark moon or new moon, my favorite.

I am not a morning person, well, more accurately, I’m a slowwwww morning person and hate rushing. I am not a fan of the 8am-5pm work-life schedule of which I am now bound, against the clock at every damn minute of the day. Who’s idea was that anyway? I’m dreaming of cutting that cord, but the day has not yet arrived.

And so the wheel of the year continues…one cycle ends making space for a new one. What lessons have I learned? What paths have I traversed? Hmm…Life has been one continuous wheel of never-ending “tower moments” for the past two and a half years. I hope something more peace loving and soul aligned arrives soon. 

Things that keep me grounded during tower moments include art and spirituality. Collaging has become a beloved outlet, a wide open space to tap into creative expression. It’s such a satisfying artistic art form. I love designing a collage, selecting the photos, pictures, etc, to create a narrative. Maybe I’m the only one who gets it, but who cares! My spiritual practice has taken a nose dive now that I’m back at work. But little moments here and there are better than none at all.

I hope to travel to Taiwan over the winter break in January to visit my birthfamily. My eldest sister has already reserved a hotel. It’s been 13 years since I last saw my birthfamily. I never intended to wait such a long time to revisit. We are much older, and good health is not guaranteed to any of us. I truly hope I will have the energy to be present with my family, not some shell of myself. This academic year, I vowed not to get to the level of burnout I experienced last year. Steps to protect my energy are always at the forefront of my mind. 

In the meantime, welcome Autumn! I look forward to cooler days, to pumpkin pie, and the holiday season. Oh, and to slowing down, of course. Autumn is my favorite time of the year! I do love it so. Hoping you are all safe and well wherever you are. May cooler weather bring a welcome change of pace into your life!


Feature Photo by Šimom Caban on Unsplash

Photo Gallery: Collages by moi!

Lotus Summer

Greetings! I’m enjoying the last few days of summer before I head back to work. Tomorrow. I must say, I look forward to Fall and the change of season. Mabon falls on September 22nd, which gives me something to look forward to. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, summer has been immensely restorative; I’ll refer to it as Lotus Summer. Lotus flowers are deeply symbolic in many cultures. Lotuses grow in murky, shallow waters. They rise from the mud without stain, and are therefore viewed as a symbol of purity. Because they return to the water in the evening and open their blooms at the break of day, lotuses represent strength, resilience, and rebirth, as well as transcendence: The lotus symbolizes the human spirit transcending over worldly matter since it blooms from the underworld into the light. I feel, in many ways, like the Lotus.

It’s been a summer of exploring themes around death and rebirth, cycles, beginnings and endings, blooming, rising up from the mud. When last semester ended, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. It dawned on me recently how little I accounted for the impact of divorce on my wellbeing. I was functioning on adrenaline those first several months of the divorce proceedings. And when it wore off, I plummeted. I’ve discovered that there’s much literature on the impact of divorce on individuals, how it affects their work lives, relationships, and emotional and physical health. I grossly underestimated my ability to manage work, the loss of my dog and support of my daughter, financial instability, three moves, starting over. I thought I was stronger, better, more capable, more confident. But I sank, and I’m usually a stronger swimmer than that.

It’s now late summer – Rebirth. I am standing, not sinking. The divorce no longer feels like a black hole. There are moments of deep sadness and grief. I’m not sure one ever gets over it completely. That’s just me. A friend of mine, a psychotherapist who divorced years ago, told me to expect a three-year-mucking-through-shit; my sound healing mentor, also divorced, said give it five. I rolled my eyes. How little did I know. It’s year two.

I read recently,

The lessons we learn along our journey and the pains that come along with them are but stages on the wheel of regeneration.

Death Doula Oracle – author & photographer – Theodore Saint & Chris Williams

Indeed. So much gratitude for the time off to recover, to regenerate. Solitude and rest were the medicine, and making the request to change my 12-month contract to academic year may have saved my life. I have spent everyday this summer writing and recently took to collaging my journals. Can’t wait to collage my next. Also into drawing dragons of late. Interestingly, I barely listened to any music; much more preferred silence. The only other time I could not bear to listen to music was after the death of my first dachshund, Peppermint. I’m slowly weaving my way back to some favorite artists and bands from the 80s – that era holds a certain nostalgia in my heart that’s quite comforting. And, I miss my younger self. I’ve shared a few moments of summer inspiration here.

And, on I go. Wishing you all a beautiful day. Stop and marvel at the tiny things that bring you joy and pleasure. May you tend to the soil of YOU!


-Photos above were taken at Laguna Beach, CA, by moi on a venture with a friend.

-Yummy matcha coffee & garden pics taken at Anima Mundi Apothecary in Venice, CA.

-My collaged journal-Summer theme: Death/rebirth/exploring the shadows within.

-Little dragon ouroboros drawing-not yet finished, but I’ll eventually get to it.

-Purchase the Death Doula Oracle cards here. They’re powerful cards for working with themes around transition, transformation, death, endings and are absolutely gorgeous.

Feature Photo by Kristijan Arsov on Unsplash

Summering

Four more weeks of summering. I’ve been preoccupied with the impending return to work and have to remind myself to be here now, enjoy the time I have left on break. Still time to relax and explore. Such a sharp contrast from the previous months.

Orchid Quartet

I went to a Candlelight Concert on The Queen Mary the other night. I’m so glad I did! Female group, Orchid Quartet, performed Metallica. There were some diehard Metallica fans hooping and hollering throughout the concert. I love Metallica too and had a front row seat! It was an intimate, cozy event. I felt called to return to my musical roots. Music, my first love. Probably my last! I regret selling my digital piano, but there is truly no room in my tiny space for something that large. I’ll have to settle for picking up my guitar and ukulele. I’m always on the hunt for new music and inspiring artists.

We were permitted to videorecord the last two numbers. Pieces performed included many of Metallica’s greatest hits, including Enter Sandman, Nothing Else Matters, and Master of Puppets. And they did a lovely cover of Whiskey in the Jar. I liked how the quartet were so interactive with the audience. It was all great fun. I uploaded the video I took of Nothing Else Matters below. It was so much better live, of course. Hope to see more of Orchid Quartet in the future and attend more Candlelight Concerts! I got a groovy t-shirt to support Orchid Quartet and remember what a fun time I had. Enjoy!


Soul Aligned

Good day, one and all! I hope you’re enjoying the summer days. I’m grateful that the weather continues to be mild here. The pink and purple twilights are magical. What I love most about this summer break from university is the freedom in which I can move and breathe at my own pace. Ahhhh, slow, meditative mornings with my cup of coffee. Movies in the evenings. Solitude and ritual. It’s been rejuvenating.

I am in the process of building a sound therapy practice. Starting a new practice is quite scary. I had a private practice for two years, and I know how hard it is to grow a business and make it thrive. I’ve been a board-certified music therapist since 2009 and recently began training in sound therapy utilizing singing bowls and other resonant instruments, chanting, researching the science behind sound medicine. I facilitated some sound therapy groups last semester at the university as well as a number of small drum circles. 

My primary instrument is piano. I studied piano performance in undergrad then years later learned guitar and drumming while studying music therapy, a requirement to obtain certification. I sing, though it’s not my strong suit. I trained in group drum circle facilitation years ago, fell in love with the drum. I miss my piano and playing dearly. Music is clearly my medicine. Interestingly, I have listened to less music than ever before. Silence is like a balm.

The birth of a sound therapy practice is slow work. My hope is to help people along their spiritual and wellness journey, to enhance, to restore, to create an opening for self-discovery and increased spirituality. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.


Photo by petr sidorov on Unsplash

The Magick of Slowness

Hey out there! Hope you’re having a swell summer. The temperature here is not yet sweltering, so I’m enjoying windows open daily. I’ve been on summer break just over a month – it has been glorious. There is a magick in this liminal space, the in-between semesters, that has brought healing and restoration. I am no longer who I was, yet I am not quite who I am to be. Last year was tough, maybe one of the toughest I’ve ever experienced, but it had its life lessons, and I am taking them to heart.

I’ve been savoring slow mornings, slowing down in general. It’s lovely to leisurely sip my morning coffee without rushing. I have not missed disconnecting from others one bit. Journaling, personal study, spirituality have all been life saving. But mostly the magick of slowing down, sweet silence, the echo of presence, noticing each breath have led to divine surrender, wisdom, and liberation. 

Summer break will come to an end, and I will return to work mid-August. The test of wisdom will come in finding divine balance, countering stress and the pace of work with a solid inner spiritual foundation, finding the power within to face each and every challenge. There is this – I have the rest of the month to indulge in solitude and cultivate my inner divine badass.


The video below is of female French trio, Les Itinérantes. I adore them and recently discovered their music. I find this song, Sahèl, to be quite powerful.

“Sahèl” is a composition in Eldali (a language invented by Elodie, one of the vocalists) that invites you to reconnect with “the source,” to rediscover meaning and roots through a connection with the living, the pursuit of authenticity, and the recollection of ancient memories.

“Sahèl anouvel iè,
Vènia assoulèkh na
Sahèl anoukrie biè,
Chakh liè bioun èlia”

The source is calling for you over there
Approach, let yourself be guided
The source roars below
Join its flow if you dare.

A Home Blessing

For alter, home, or sacred space.
Cast a circle if that is part of your practice.

By sacred breath and will divine
I cast this circle, draw the line
Here I am safe, here I am found–
Within these walls, now hallowed ground.

May love take root and passion flame,
Magick rise and speak its name.
Let humor dance through every room,
To lift the heart and chase the gloom.

Live well, my dear, within this space,
A haven forged in time and grace.
Where dreams take wing and hope may rest,
A sacred hearth where all feels blessed.

From shadow’s grip, the past released,
Old fears unbound, their hold now ceased.
New seeds are sown in fertile soul,
To bloom in light, to make me whole.

With every breath, let blessings flow,
As peace and solitude softly grow.
So may it be–by flame and sea,
By sky, by stone, by will in me.
✨ It is done. It is sealed. And, so it is. ✨

Photo by petr sidorov on Unsplash

Summer Breeze

Summer break has finally arrived! Whew! My tiny space is coming together, beginning to feel like home, and my dog has adapted well to the space. She’s such a fierce bundle of joy. I hope to have her for longer periods of time. She is usually with my ex, as he works from home. I didn’t want to leave her alone for 8+ hours while I worked. I miss her, as we truly were attached at the hip. That’s Poppie below. There are no personal boundaries with a doxie.

I’ve had a couple of days to sit on the other side of a busy year. I became someone I didn’t recognize, an irritable, moody shell. I read some of my past posts and cringed. Some have been deleted. Slowing down is a gift to be savored. Perhaps a shift is on the horizon. I trust in divine wisdom and that clarity is yet to come. 

Last night I took a stroll around the neighborhood. The scent of jasmine is lovely this time of year, and the neighborhood is heady with it! There was a nice summer breeze, like that Seals and Croft song, 

Summer breeze, makes me feel fine
Blowin’ through the jasmine in my mind.

I plan to catch up on some blog reading soon. Gosh, it’s been a while. Happy writing, and wishing you a stellar day!


Feature Photo by Emma Dau on Unsplash

on we go

Hello World. I’ve been in my new place for three weeks and four days. It’s slowly coming together. I did sell my digital piano and finally got my car fixed. My new space doesn’t quite feel like home. There’s more art I’ll eventually put up on the walls, and the layout in my bedroom isn’t quite to my satisfaction, but it’s getting there. I enjoy taking a space and making it home.

I have 3.5 more weeks of work until my summer break begins. Nearly three months off, which I’m sure will fly by. Time seems to be moving at a snail’s pace. I’ve noticed a shift in my mood, kinda irritable and protective. My body doesn’t always want to “go” when I want it to. Getting older brings with it certain limitations. I remind myself to think kinder thoughts and nourish my body as best I can. 

By the next post, I should be out for summer break. May summer bring restoration and peace. Cheers, and may you enjoy your weekend!


I love this song. Reminds me of setting out on a new path.

Photo by Evgeni Tcherkasski on Unsplash

life is anything but…

Hello World. I moved this week over Spring break. Thankfully, I had the week off. My third move in two years, post divorce. It’s been rather stressful. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new place, and the area is terrific. It’s very small, yet much closer to the beach. I have gone back and forth to Goodwill to donate stuff all week, and still, there are boxes of stuff, a closet full of stuff, and wall art that won’t work in the space. I think I may have to sell my digital piano, as it doesn’t fit anywhere. I sold my newish dining table and other things to decrease stuff. I am trying not to complain, as I truly love the area. And the neighbors on either side of my unit seem great. It’s just been tough, and I’m heading back to work next Monday. More to do, as my car is also having issues that must be addressed. Tomorrow, I’ll spend the day at the automotive shop. Timing, it feels as though I’m swimming upstream. I’m staying put for as long as possible!

The week before the move, I began having panic attacks – again. Haven’t had one in a while. I’m grateful they weren’t as bad as others. No ER or EMTs. I moved due to a feral cat situation at my last rental that never went away. The cats continued to poop on the property. A month before I decided to break the lease, the homeowner finally addressed it by putting rock on the front lawn and wire on the fence in the backyard as deterrents. It did very little, as the cats continued to show up, as though to say, “Stupid humans; we own the place.” The neighbor next door feeds and cares for the cats and has done so forever. So if anyone were to go, it was me. Homeowner refused to release me from the lease, which doesn’t end until July 1st. It has just sucked all around.

I hope that moving will eventually bring peace of mind. My car was starting to smell like cat poop – gross! Okay, so this is the end of my little rant. I know somewhere there’s a rainbow.


Photo by Illiya Vjestica on Unsplash

the path less thorny

show me the way
to the path less thorny
where the waters are quiet
and my mind still
where there is ever a quiet corner
away from the grind
and I can sit without worry
there I feel at home,
nestled under a sky loaded
with stars, the moon suspended,
the heavens open wide
on the path less thorny
I live another life
time flows gently
and I am strong again


Photo by Aleksandra Boguslawska on Unsplash

Wildfires

I sit with bated breath, like most of the country, due to the wildfires spreading across Los Angeles County. It is deeply saddening to watch such destruction. My heart grieves for the wildlife, the animals that have been impacted by these fires. I started limiting my consumption of social media after seeing hurt animals, a completely singed, terrified raccoon posted on Threads was the last I could bear. I’m concerned and anxious for the animals who are caught and/or fleeing the fires. I know that thousands of humans have been evacuated and lost their homes and businesses. The suffering of innocent wildlife and animals, however, is most unbearable. I am safe from harm here in Long Beach. I have friends and family who live in North Hollywood and Santa Monica, and fortunately, they have not had to evacuate (at least not at this time). I’m grateful to be at home with my pup, but cannot help but feel for all those suffering. The wildfires come yearly, yet it seems that this year the damage is even more widespread. I hope those who may be reading this post in Los Angeles are safe. I’ll continue to ask the angels to send strength to all of the first responders engaged and safety to all beings affected by the Los Angeles wildfires. May we collectively hold them in light and love.

Resources to support those affected by the Los Angeles wildfires:

https://www.lahsa.org/news?article=1014-resources-to-support-those-during-the-l-a-fires

For Best

What to do when the answer’s unclear,
when unable to obtain the clarity you seek
knowing that the wrong decision could
wreak havoc, make life rather bleak.
Oh, the anxiety that spins me round and round.
It makes me weak; I cannot ground!
Feels like a terrible pounding in my head,
and I cannot catch my breath. It’s caught
somewhere between my ribs in spasms
of fear and uncertainty. I must go forward,
for surely there is no right or wrong,
only what is, what might be.
May the clouds lift and the sun promise
a day without panic. Be patient, my dear,
do not to fret, for the answer is near,
though it may not be what you want,
it is for best.

Enjoy the Stars

Happy Holidays! It’s that time of the year again. I’m finally on winter break and couldn’t be more giddy. I’m trying to stay present and not worry about how fast the break will go. I’ll be hosting a small Christmas gathering tomorrow at home with my daughter and a good friend. I still have yet to figure out what to prepare other than pumpkin pie. My brain and body are tired, but I’m so glad to not be at work.

It’s my second holiday season on my own. The quiet is nice, but I’ve found myself grieving the familiarity of the home I left, snuggling with my pup while we watch movies. Well I watched the movies, and my pup snuggled. My current rental has had so many issues, primarily feral cats pooping in the yard. I do feel for the kitties, but it’s a pain to clean their messes. The neighbor feeds them, and they kinda live in his yard but use my yard as a giant kitty litter box. I’ve considered breaking my lease, however, the thought of moving again is dreadful not to mention, likely costly. It’s been an ongoing issue since moving in and caused much stress. I’ve invested in way too many deterrents that unfortunately don’t work long-term, but I keep trying. Homeowner not very aggressive in dealing with the issue. Sigh…

Anyway, back to holiday cheer. Yule is my favorite time of the year, my favorite season. I’m truly savouring the slowdown, noursishing myself with stillness, rest, and pause as much as possible. Lots of reflection on the past year, what I’ve been able to accomplish, what has taken a toll, and what I intend to release.

Thank you for stopping by and reading this little blurb. May you, too, slow down, enjoy the stars tonight, and savor the stillness of winter. Wishing you a safe and happy holiday!

Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash


A little holiday cheer from Laufey…

Big Magick

I have been home sick. Worked remote yesterday but today called out. I really don’t like to call out sick. I cannot remember the last time I felt so run down. Ah, it was when I contracted COVID in 2020, followed by a chronic subdural hygroma that was excruciatingly painful. So weird. Who knows how I ended up with a hygroma. I did not anticipate that the work at my present job would be so tough … Seriously, I don’t think I’m a hypochondriac. I typically love life, freedom, creative expression, music, art. I’ll be out for winter break in a month, at which time I will glory in slow mornings, drinking a full cup of coffee, and avoiding the damn 405 like the plague. Nearly a month off, yessss!

I watched an interview with author, Elizabeth Gilbert, who appeared on the Mike Birbiglia show after my work day. I followed Gilbert’s Big Magic podcast for a while and greatly admire her independence, her break from the long held expectations of females. I love that she feels happier in solitude and perhaps more productive, certainly, freer outside the confines of romantic entanglement. I appreciate her views on creativity and work and her ethics related to avoiding that pressure to utilize your creativity as a sole source of income. She noted that she had multiple income streams until her fourth book, Eat Pray, Love, took off and made her a successful author. I have been considering what work path to pursue that allows for increased quality of life and creativity, less stress, and less “helping others,” as truly, I am burnt to a crisp. The more intuitive side of me begs to come out and play. I keep telling her to be patient until I have more space, stillness; her time will come. Life is short, is it not? Especially at this age when there are fewer years left to live. I’d love to engage more in what inspires me – writing, nature, reading, playing music, sound medicine, growing plants, animals, magick.

I am possibly the worst business person ever. I learned that after having a private practice for a couple of years prior to my current job. I admire those who run their own businesses. Self employment comes with a caveat. You have to be successful to sustain a living! And California ain’t cheap. Lessons from Liz Gilbert. Don’t quit your day job to pursue your creative interests. I appreciate that Gilbert was her own sugar mama. I also resonate with the notion that there has to be another reason to make art besides the market. She talked about the book she decided not to publish, The Snow Forest, due to the war between Russia and the Ukraine. Ukranian readers expressed their disdain at the release due to the book’s Russian setting. Gilbert said it took three years to write. But she got the message, how harmful it would be to release the book at such a time, two years after Russia invaded Ukraine. Wow. It is sitting on a shelf for another time or maybe never.

I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of creating work for the simple joy of creating, whether others see it, read it, like it or not. Wouldn’t it be dreamy to make money doing what you love, but for some of us, perhaps it’s not in the stars. There will always be others who are more talented, more ambitious, more successful, in their prime. Maybe I need to aim higher. Manifest more diligently. One can daydream, even in mid-life, and make shifts slowly towards a path that is more fulfilling. I am too old to work this hard, at least my body tells me so. And I must listen. Wimp or not, it is personal choice and the freedom to have that choice. When I have figured it all out, I will let you know. It may be a little while yet.


Photo by Sofia Holmberg on Unsplash

Today

Today I have a mind to let go,
to bask in the the warmth of an autumn day.
The sun never felt so brilliant.

To be silenced by the whistles and trills
of birdsong, the soft drumming of beetle wings
is what I divine.

I will bow to such simplicity.
For in such simplicity is grandeur,
and I shall wear it like a velvet gown.

Happy November 1st

Hi out there. Hope this post finds you well. I’m enjoying a day off of work, as I celebrated Samhain with a friend last nite. We honored our ancestors, practiced some divination, had some drinks. It was a fun, magickal evening.

I recently connected with a shaman who I’ll begin working with soon. She spoke of a strong ancestral presence upon our first conversation. I was never interested in my ancestry until I found my adoption contract, hidden in my adoptive parents’ attic for who knows how long. It found its way to me immediately following my adoptive mother’s funeral, as though my mom was saying, “I want you to have this now.” The contract revealed things my adoptive parents hid from me and likely falsified. So many things were untrue. My adoptive mom made sure that all ties to my birth country were severed. On the rare occasion that I brought up questions, she became weirdly paranoid, asking who put me up to asking such questions. I didn’t pursue it. It’s been 12 years since I visited the country of my birth, Taiwan. I’ve wanted to return but life happens and so many things have gotten in the way. My hope is to return sometime next year. And I hope that in working with this shaman, I’ll connect with my birth mother and perhaps other ancestors.

I haven’t written any poems lately. We’re so fatigued at work from a very busy fall semester and previously, a not so slow summer. Fatigue has a way of crushing creativity. I’m glad to know it’s not just me but my colleagues also feel it, the burnout. Secondly, I go back and read some of my poems and think, this is such shitty poetry. What possessed me to write poems? On the other hand, it was therapeutic while I went through a divorce. Freedom. It feels good. Yet there are some days when the loss comes up so strong it literally catches my breath, and I cannot believe where I am, how I made it out, what I’m doing. It’s not so much the loss of a marriage but what I left behind…my dog, my piano, my music books, the little nest I built that was home, etc (I will retrieve those things when I have a permanent place). Even the dissolution of the most toxic marriage is felt as a loss. I don’t know how else to explain it. I have felt the gamut of emotion, sadness, anger, anxiety, worry, hopelessness, uncertainty. At times, I sometimes still feel transient, displaced. No one would know that I’m grieving. I come across like I have my shit together (most days). And on we go.

Samhain lasts till sundown this evening; the veil between this world and the “Otherworld” remains thinnest. So maybe some spellwork today and divination. Certainly, pondering my ancestral roots, the birth parents I never knew and honoring my birth mother in particular. Wishing you all a very blessed day. I thank you for stopping by and hope to catch up on reading your posts soon. May you enjoy the turning of the season!

With You by Kalandra. To my soulmate wherever you may be…Honestly, we have multiple soulmates, but this song is so beautiful I’m sending it out…lolol…And I’m currently obsessed with this band.

Photo by Daizy Isumi on Unsplash

wicked wind

the wicked wind came howling tonight,
a squall that shook me to my bones 
the moon pierced through the stormy clouds,
and i sighed deeply as the wild wind
whipped and moaned
take away the memory of him
i begged the fierce wind as it shrieked,
but it seemed to laugh as only tempests can
leaving stains of dust ‘cross my pallid cheek
how haughty is the wicked wind
to laugh with such disdain
at a love gone cold and a heart deceived
no sympathy did it feign


Borders by Kalandra


Photo by Luka Vovk on Unsplash

save wild horses

I’m back from my visit to Return to Freedom. Left Saturday about mid-morning, forgot to factor in traffic, but made it just in time for the tour. It was about a 3+ hour drive, give or take a few minutes. It seems no matter what time you leave on any given day in Los Angeles, there will always be traffic. Silly me to have forgotten. We started the tour around 3:30pm and ended just shy of 6:30. I got my steps in, lol.

The weather was sunny, bright, and very warm, but not unbearable. Definitely got warmer, however, as we continued our trek through the sanctuary. Thankfully, there was a nice breeze most of the time. Upon arrival, we caravaned down a dusty dirt road, greeted by several wild burros. They are the sweetest creatures! Later we walked alongside them, stoppng to scratch behind long, fuzzy ears and marvel at such cuteness.

We saw several different herds of wild horses in various regions of the sanctuary, some horses open to connecting with humans. Others stood at a distance or atop a hill, probably thinking, “Oh it’s those humans again.” My favorite part of the tour was connecting briefly with a mare named Willow. There were many people on the tour, so most everyone wanted to touch the horses that were friendly and open to greeting humans. Willow walked over to me and let me scratch her head and behind her ears. She has the sweetest eyes and temperament. I could have hung out with Willow all day.

I stayed in Lompoc overnight. At bedtime, I just got so emotional! Horses bring out all the feels. Also knowing that so many wild mustangs and burros are rounded up and separated from their families by the evil BLM gnaws at me. Some are killed during the chase, including babies. Those caught are sent to auction, forced into kill pens to be transported to Mexico and slaughtered for meat by the highest bidders. Some are placed in other holding pens for the rest of their lives, far away from the lands they once roamed. Thank the stars for RTF and other sanctuaries that rescue as many as they can. They are unable to save them all, which makes me deeply sad and angry at the injustice, that humans can get away with such cruelty and inhumanity. Other horses may be bought by reckless owners who starve and abuse them until their light disappears.

The horrific rounding up continues. It’s remarkable that sanctuaries like RTF try very hard to find family members and reunite wild horses when they are able to, sometimes taking years. I hope to return to RTF to take some of the workshops offered. It’s just a long drive, and workshops are spendy, of course, but I’m sure well worth it. Horses are again at the forefront of my heart. I am drawn to them. Perhaps the horse is my totem or spirit animal. 

Below are a few photos. They don’t do these beautiful animals justice, and I wished I had an actual camera so I could zoom in. I shot a few videos as well. The first two photos (top row, L to R) are of Spirit, a stallion who was the inspiration for Dreamworks animated film, “Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron.” He is 29 years old, quite beautiful and very sweet. I spent a few minutes rubbing his neck. We were told that he loves children, and the first humans he walked over to were the kids. Next are a couple of cute burros. There were many. That’s Willow and my hand, lol, on the second row. After Willow is a band of horses called the Brislawn herd. They have the most beautiful coats including grulla/o. And lastly is one of the largest herds, 33 total, at the sanctuary. There are a few bands within the herd including two stallions with their mares.

I would have loved a more private tour. There sensed so much human energy that I found it hard to be present with those horses that came up to us. This was, however, a group tour, and I’m grateful to have learned more about RTF and the wild horses and burros. I should probably stop obsessing now over horses! Just being in their presence is magical. 


Photos by Mj, iPhone XR 😂

shine

in the quiet of the morning,
my heart open wide
the wind softly whispers
let go, let go my child
yesterday was heavy
a heart full of sorrow,
your troubles, far too many
for any one human to hold
follow the light of the sun
for it will always rise
bask in its warmth and promise
that tomorrow you will shine


The Sun is the source of all life on Earth. It represents optimism and abundance. It radiates with warmth and vitality. The Sun also represents creativity. Sunflowers, one of my favorite flowers, represent happiness, loyalty, and longevity. Young sunflowers move to face the sun, thus the name, “sunflower.” Perhaps, that’s why I’m drawn to them 🙂

Photo by Ryan Tasto on Unsplash

moving day

I am moved into the new house! It feels good to be in. Lots of spiders, however, eww. More unpacking and cleaning to do – feels like I’ve run a freakin’ marathon! Giant headache, couple of bruises, and sore muscles. This little house has less storage than my last apartment, like no closet for linens, so I’m figuring out how to get creative with storage. Where to store the makeup and bathroom stuff, the linens? I’m also not certain now that I’m in that my baby grand piano will fit. Maybe it’s the empty boxes spread out all over the place. But, it’s okay. I have a digital piano, which I’ll put back together today, as well as a  bookshelf. Everything else is set. Took a while to put my bed together. It was much easier taking it apart. I have a backyard for Poppie with some pretty string lights!

It’s quieter in this neighborhood, except for the fireworks that went off last night. The homeowner did forewarn me that people like to shoot their fireworks, apparently not only on Fourth of July. I caught a glimpse of some in the night sky last night as I was doing laundry. The washer and dryer are sitting on the back deck. But there are nice covers to protect them when not in use. Old homes – ya gotta love ’em, or not… Now to undo all the boxes and store them in the scary, spider filled garage. I’m thrilled to be moved in. I think I’ve been too busy and tired to think and feel. Perhaps that’s a good thing.

rainbow

I have been packing like crazy for the past week. As the saying goes, you don’t know how much stuff you have till you relocate. Exactly a year ago, I moved into this small, two-bedroom apartment due to necessity. I have never lived alone, not that I haven’t wanted to. Always had at least one roommate, and well, a spouse. I have loved living alone and having my own space. I loved furnishing my apartment. I remember purchasing my sectional sofa and bed, assembling them, then slowly adding in rugs, a small dining table and MCM dining chairs, hanging wall art, and styling the space in a way that felt cozy and warm, like home. Here I am, about to relocate again to a new place, a house. It’s a small house, one bedroom, tiny yard, garage mainly for storage, and a covered carport. I’ve fretted so much because of the neighborhood the home is located in. I hate to say it, but when I drive through the neighborhood, I feel distressed. The homeowner repeatedly said it’s a safe area, blah, blah, blah; nevertheless, it’s a culture shock. I love the house itself, however. It’s set back from the street beside two other homes. Still, I worry I won’t like the area. The lease is not forever, so there is that. All signs tell me it’s a good move, despite my qualms.

This morning I experienced a very strong wave of dizziness – not the first time. I thought it was a panic attack, but it was mostly my body telling me to slow down and take better care of it. Yesterday, I had to give a training at work for Parents of First Year Students on campus, which didn’t take long, thankfully. But I did pack before and after, way into the night. I woke up this morning with a giant headache, body aches, and pains – you know, the usual. I was stretching, and a certain movement caused a very unwelcome wave of nausea. I had to lie down and rest for most of the morning until it passed. After eating, I felt slightly better. Still not super great, but here I am writing this post.

I move next Monday. I hired movers, but still so much more to pack. Then there’s the unpacking. Multiple stressors compete for my attention – family crises, financial worries, moving, work, health, my dog, who needs to see a dental veterinarian. What struck me this morning as I was lying on my sofa is how much grief creeps in on top of all the other stuff, the loss of multiple things, including my youth, marriage, seeing someone you love suffer, thus the aches and pains. I felt this morning that I could not handle another minute of it. I will truly miss this place, this beachy community, what has come to be home for the past year, perhaps just this small chapter of my life, which has turned out to be a whopper.

I’ve come across rainbows multiple times in the past couple of weeks. The rainbow is an ancient symbol of peace and divine honor. Though things feel so turbulant in this moment, I feel certain there will be a rainbow on the other side, even if I have to paint one, dammit, in my art journal.


Rainbow, Kacey Musgraves. I learned to play this on my little digital piano. Maybe one day I’ll post. But no one can sing it as well as Kacey ❤

Photo by eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplash

new beginnings

Can you believe we’re almost midway through June? Is it just me or does time really fly?

I’ve had the past 10 days free of work, frolicking on the beach and house hunting. It’s been exceedingly lovely to rest and restore. I so enjoyed my time off from work and spending time with friends. It was much needed. I don’t think I could have worked another day. In the span of 10 days, I found a new home rental that I’ll be moving into in just a matter of weeks. Wow. It is a time of action with the waxing crescent moon, so I guess the timing is fitting. It feels as though a lifetime occurred in the last 10 days 

I’ve gone back and forth about this new home, questioning whether it’s the right move. It’s small, just the right size, very nice, and has cottage-y vibes. I adore the house. The homeowner I experienced as warm and approachable. There’s a small backyard with string lights and enough room to move in my baby grand piano. So what’s the hang up? It’s just further away from the beach, where I’ve lived for the past year. A close friend and I have lived walking distance from each other’s apartment, and I will truly miss that as well as walking across the street to the beach. The new house is in a somewhat mixed neighborhood, meaning it’s in a relatively safe area, but my first impression was, it’s kinda “sketchy.” I keep reminding myself that the home has a backyard. I’ll be able to keep my sweet pup for longer periods of time. I think she’ll feel more comfortable in the space and will have a backyard to explore. I share her with my ex. She loves her doggie door and big backyard at what used to be the home we all shared. It was one of the hardest things ever to leave her.

Change. Change is hard. So many changes in the last year. More changes to come. I should be celebrating, yet I feel a little sad about leaving this space, and ultimately, endings. It’s the end of a chapter. I wanted to stay close, but home properties are less available and more expensive. Life is complicated, messy. How I wish it weren’t so. I will miss this area very much, despite crazy apartment living and crazy neighbors. For many months, it’s been a safe haven, a place to heal.

Why move? I’ve asked myself a million times, weighing the pros and cons obsessively. My lease is up on June 12th, so it seemed an appropriate time. Moreso, I’ve been longing for a home with a backyard for my dog, space for my baby grand, and privacy.

There is much to love about the new house, and I’m grateful that the owner chose me to rent to. The beach is about a 10-minute drive south. Change and transition, nevertheless, are hard, even when it’s for the best. I get attached to things and people. I don’t want to lose what I’ve worked hard to attain. My higher self tells me it’s a time of rebirth, but I seem to be gritting my teeth.

So, cheers to new adventures and new beginnings. If I could trust that the Universe has my back, I suppose transition would feel easier. But trust does not come easy. So be it. Let the packing begin. Once settled, I’m certain I’ll fall in love with the house, and who knows, maybe the neighborhood.


Been obsessed with The Marias latest album, Submarine. No One Noticed seems to describe my mood lately. 

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

tiny ache

what is this tiny ache swelling
beneath my heart?
a worry, sorrow, dismay?
please let it soon depart!
how restless are my days
wondering what is yet to come
blocks, delays, stagnation
oh hellfire and damnation!
where is this life of ease,
that others claim to live?
perhaps it is all illusion,
a grandiose delusion
if i could trust myself enough
to allay all my fears,
to trust the lot that has been cast,
the ache would disappear


Photo by Javardh on Unsplash

warrior

This is an unfinished piece of art I drew and painted a couple of years ago. I’ve never taken any formal art classes – I’m sure it shows – but started drawing in adolescence. I tend to draw stylized female portraits in the style of Tamara LaPorte, my favorite artist. I wish to improve my skills and perhaps experiment with more abstract painting. I don’t quite have the skill yet to paint the way I’d like to. Most of the time, I like the sketch better – the paint seems to muck things up.

It’s been a while since I’ve drawn. Since starting full-time work, I don’t have as much time to dabble in art. But one day, perhaps I’ll get back to it. It takes energy to draw. I find that writing poetry requires less energy and is easier, of course, to edit! I’m really bad at coming up with names, like names for groups I facilitate, names for art, names for poems, etc. What name would you give this drawing? It said “warrior” to me, but like I mentioned, it’s not very creative, lol. I can’t remember what inspired it. Most of the time, I just start drawing, and what shows up, shows up!

peek-a-boo

I am here
I am not here
have I disappeared?
peek-a-boo
catch me if you can
picture perfect,
at first glance
yet truth be told,
can barely stand
the way you think I’m fine
must be a thousand times
and over, blind
find me if you can
hiding, bruised, black and blue
peek-a-boo
and right on cue,
I’ll disappear


How Soon Is Now? by The Smiths.  A classic. Thought it fit the poem.

It’s a 3-day weekend! This time last year, I was planning a great escape. I can hardly believe it’s been nearly a year. So much has happened since then. Simply, it has been hard. Grateful for my friends who’ve stood close by. Enjoy the weekend!

Photo by Hannah Xu on Unsplash

no longer here

the murmur in my heart

decided to become a whisper,

and the whisper grew to be a wail

until the wail became a very loud moan

the moan reminds me that you are no longer here

the tourniquet has stopped the bleeding ’round my heart

yet has done nothing to remove the memories of you from my

pounding head, so i will write and write another day until

the very loud moan becomes a wail, and the wail

softens into a whisper, and the whisper decides

to become a murmur, then there will be

nothing but silence to remind me

that you are no longer here


Photo by Alec Douglas on Unsplash

the raven

my dear friend, the raven,
has a certain kind of MAGICK
dressed in black from head to tail,
has a flair for the dramatic
such a sooty bird is he,
flying fast on graceful wingbeats
watch him dive across the sky
an aerial acrobat and artful spy
fills the blue with an echoing croak
he’s a brilliant trickster under cloak
see him vividly in my dreams,
casting charms as i sleep
bringing change and ancient wisdom
reminds me of all i am to become

a little creek

there’s a mossy little creek

where i like to sit and think

a shallow slope to mull and dream,

where glossy water babbles midstream

i skip barefoot ‘cross the river stones

earth and fire in my bones,

behold the current gently flow,

carrying my dreams safely home


Photo by Maddox Howe on Unsplash

howl at the moon

i hear Nature summoning
run wild through the trees,
taste my youth on the tip of my tongue
at home in this body and evening breeze

a midnight stroll through the green,
to exorcise the ache
howling fiercely at the moon
like some secret language

shadow of trees and cloak of leaves
a romance to ever flourish
as though turning the pages of this life,

and

the

windy

path

diverges


Photo by Unsplash in collaboration with Getty Images

dream me a dream

dream me a dream
where peaceful waters flow
wading barefoot through the ripples,
time moving slow

dream me a dream
of misty painted raindrops
leaving stains upon my skin
like white velvet polka dots

dream me a dream
of wind whistling through the pines
the scent of green lingers,
the drowsy clouds sigh


Photo by Meritt Thomas on Unsplash

the weeping willow

listen to the soughing of
the weeping willow tree
bending gently with the wind,
swaying as she pleases

sallow leaves drift elegantly
velvet twigs of green and brown
sweeping always, bending low
to kiss the earthy ground

she stands with pride, fluidity
a brave, bold soul is she
can stand against the strongest wind
yet give pollen to the bees

let us honor her in stillness,
her beauty give us breath
may she dwell beside the mossy pond
her crown to always bloometh


Dance of the North by Joanne Shenandoah, who was of the Oneida Indian Nation. This song was played during a music therapy conference I attended today. It was played in a training using Guided Imagery & Music, a specific type of music therapy. I fell in love with the song, which inspired this poem.

We had a beautiful weeping willow tree in our backyard when I was a kid. I watched it grow until its crown grew to be beautiful and full. It gave me much joy and wonder over the years.

Photo by Fran on Unsplash

music rocks

Good Sunday to you! No new poem today, well maybe later 🙂 I’ve been in a music therapy conference all day on strengths-based improvisation. The conference is all week – gotta earn those continuing ed credits. It was a blast. I haven’t connected with other music therapists in eons, so although it was virtual, it was a lovely experience to meet with other musicians/music therapists online. We did some improvising on whatever instruments we had on hand. I played my djembe, a couple of frame drums and my new e-piano, which sadly, I don’t play often enough. I feel so lucky to be a musician and to have had the opportunities I’ve had to study music. And I very much love sharing music with others.

Drumming is so near and dear to my heart. I enjoy it almost as much as playing the piano. When I studied piano performance, I was terrible at improvising- literally froze. But when I studied music therapy, I learned that I could improvise (on keyboard mostly), play by ear, and read lead sheets pretty easily after I built some skill. I took drum facilitator trainings through HealthRhythms and am starting a healing drum circles program at work next academic year – was awarded a small grant to buy more drums. All of this to say that I love music so much. I cannot imagine this life without it. There is a song or a piece for nearly every emotion, mood, occasion, event, even if to just dance around to in the privacy of your own space.

It would be a dream to conduct an orchestra. I took conducting in undergrad, but have absolutely no experience, except practicing in class. I remember my professor telling some of us we looked like we were stirring pudding, lol! I especially love watching female conductors because – well, they’re just so badass. There’s a female conductor and violinist, Karina Canellakis, to guest conduct the LA Philharmonic later this month. I’d like to go, but traffic is always such a pain to the Walt Disney Concert Hall. I hate the traffic! One of my favorite female conductors is Mirga Gražinyte-Tyla . We have the same birthday! Another is Elisabeth Fuchs. I linked a YouTube video of Fuchs conducting the Zagreb Philharmonic Orchestra and Choir Zvjezdice. The performance features cello soloist, HAUSER, performing Benedictus from The Armed Man: A Mass for Peace by Karl Jenkins (Hendon Music Inc BMI) at his classical solo concert, which was held at Lisinski Concert Hall in Zagreb (October 2017). I literally cried the first time I heard this piece, it’s so beautiful. I hope you give it a listen and enjoy it.

This is also Coachella week, so been tuning into YouTube Coachella 2024 Live! Loved The Last Dinner Party and Bleachers last night. Cheers to music and more of it! Thanks for reading this little blurb about my deep love of music.


Hauser performing Benedictus from The Armed Man: A Mass for Peace, Karl Jenkins. Conductor, Elisabeth Fuchs. Lyrics here.


Photo by Andrea Zanenga on Unsplash

total eclipse of the sun

the moon decided to eclipse today
the fair sun along its merry way
between the earth and brightest star
a path predestined from afar
a phenomenal sight to behold
another not to occur for years, I’m told
though not on the path of totality
awed nonetheless by our Celestial Galaxy
a time to awaken, heal and expand
set your intentions, expect the grand
life is too short, we have only today
live with intention, live to play
for work is a necessity, will always be there
but a life well lived, truly one cannot spare


All right, so this is not the best poem, but i felt moved to honor the solar eclipse today. And, I wrote it during my lunch break, lol. I went for a walk at 11:11am, the peak of the eclipse in my area, and there was a couple sitting on the curb, trying to catch a glimpse of the eclipse with a metal strainer. They were talking with a stranger, who just so happened to have eclipse glasses. He let each of us borrow them. I saw the eclipse, and it was the coolest thing ever! I’ve never seen any eclipse in real time, and this will probably be the only solar eclipse I see in my lifetime, as the next one won’t occur until 2044 or 2045. So it was really special! Cheers! I hope you were able to enjoy the solar eclipse.

Photo by Unsplash in collaboration with Alex Shuper

in perfect rhapsody

for miles and miles
nothing but blue,
my glassy reflection
cast by the fair moon

let me swim your depths
and befriend the whales,
ride the stoic waves,
set to sail

as though on  wings
spun of golden light,
and all in the world
is peaceful and quiet

there’d be no more sorrow,
save delight,
I’m warmed by a canopy
of falling stars, a scattered night

sing with me world,
sing of ocean’s majesty
united together
in perfect rhapsody


Hymn by Karl Jenkins, sung by a female chorus and from the album Adiemus-Songs of SanctuaryThe whole album is absolutely beautiful. I thought this piece caught the spirit of this poem. It takes you to a whole different world. Enjoy.

Photo by guille pozzi on Unsplash

color of rage


the scream that

no one else hears,

concealed behind

beguiling soft eyes,

and yeses

is the color of rage


Photo by Yusuf Sabqi on Unsplash

secret garden

let us dance

in the secret garden

barefoot and free

scattering light like tiny fireflies

across the shadowy sky

and

breathing magic

into the silky air

happy new year 2024!

Dear Readers,

I’m wishing you all a happy, safe, healthy, and free New Year!

Thank you for visiting this site and taking the time to read my posts, old and new.

May this New Year bring you closer to what you truly desire,

closer to who you truly desire to be,

and closer to those whom you truly desire to be with.

May you embrace yourself with warmth and kindness as well as those you hold dear!

happy winter solstice!

A poem for the Winter Solstice by one of my favorite poets:

White-Eyes by Mary Oliver

In winter

all the singing is in

         the tops of the trees

          where the wind-bird

with its white eyes

shoves and pushes

         among the branches.

          Like any of us

he wants to go to sleep,

but he’s restless—

         he has an idea,

          and slowly it unfolds

from under his beating wings

as long as he stays awake.

         But his big, round music, after all,

          is too breathy to last.

So, it’s over.

In the pine-crown

         he makes his nest,

          he’s done all he can.

I don’t know the name of this bird,

I only imagine his glittering beak

         tucked in a white wing

          while the clouds—

which he has summoned

from the north—

         which he has taught

          to be mild, and silent—

thicken, and begin to fall

into the world below

         like stars, or the feathers

               of some unimaginable bird

that loves us,

that is asleep now, and silent—

         that has turned itself

          into snow.

Featured Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

ROC national day

Taiwan, The Republic of China (ROC), celebrates National Day, otherwise known as Double Ten Day, on October 10th every year. Taipei, Taiwan, is my place of birth. I was adopted as an infant by an American family, and consequently, lost all connection to Taiwan and my first/birth family. That changed, however, over the Lunar New Year of 2012, at which time I traveled to Taipei to reunite with my first family including my two older sisters and brother, my uncle, niece and nephew, and close family friends. Sadly, I know very little about Taiwan’s history and had even less knowledge of Double Ten Day . So I messaged my oldest sister to learn more about its significance. I’m so glad I did, and my sister seemed pleased that I wanted to know more about Taiwan’s history. So I share what I learned now with my fellow Taiwanese adoptees.

Double Day Ten in Mandarin is 雙十節. means double or two; means ten; means day. Here is the history of Double Ten that my sister shared with me:

The Wuchang Uprising in China occurred at the beginning of the Revolution of 1911, and the Qing Dynasty, China’s last imperial dynasty, was overthrown by Chinese revolutionaries. The Republic of China was subsequently established on January 1, 1912. Since the first day of the Wuchang Uprising occurred on October 10, 1911, October 10 is commemorated as the anniversary of the founding of the Republic of China. My sister shared that there is not as much importance attached to Double Ten Day as in years past. She remembers that, at one time, there were many activities on National Day, and the whole country was joyous. The national flag was flown all over the sky, and national flags were placed everywhere on the streets and lanes, fluttering beautifully. There was a flag-raising ceremony at the Presidential Plaza at six o’clock in the morning, and during the day, the heads of state, officials from various ministries, and invited international guests gathered in the stands to watch a military parade. The Air Force and Army presented majestic shows. It was a very popular holiday, and there were numerous performances by various groups celebrating various folk customs. What everyone looked forward to most was the fireworks at night. Colorful fireworks were placed in the square in front of the Presidential Palace, bringing on cheers and applause. Everyone enthusiastically participated in the parade, holding a small flag and walking around for a long time following the performances. My sister said that In recent years, there have been firework displays at Taipei 101 and Sun Yat-sen Memorial Hall. She shared that these are the memories of older generations, and the jubilance once felt as a nation on this day has diminished. Now there are different kinds of activities on Double Ten in Taiwan but it is just a holiday without the same jubilance, and few young people pay attention to its meaning.

I asked about the Double Ten flag and Taiwan’s national flag. My sister explained, our national flag is based on the blue sky with a white sun created by the revolutionary martyr, Lu Haodong, and the founding father, Sun Yat-sen, with red as the background color. The 12 rays of light on the sun represent the 12 months of the year and the 12 traditional Chinese hours in a day (each ray equals two hours). In 1928, the red and blue flag with the white sun officially became the national flag of the Republic of China. The white flag with the double ten red Chinese characters is the flag that represents Double Ten Day.

I appreciate this history lesson about Taiwan from my sister. I hope it has meaning for you, too. There is still so much to learn and know. Incidentally, my daughter’s birthday is on October 10, to which my sister said, she has lucky blessing!

privileging the voice of adoptees

Just over a week ago, the Department of State’s Bureau of Consular Affairs with the support of the U.S. Domestic Policy Council hosted a Symposium on Intercountry Adoption (ICA) in Washington DC. The purpose of the Symposium was to bring together a diverse group of ICA stakeholders in order to strengthen the future practice of intercountry adoption. Such stakeholders included professional adoption practitioners; attorneys; government officials from the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) and the Department of State; and Legislators as well as a number of others. Interested adoptive parents also attended, and historically, the Department invited adult adoptees as well as birth parents for the first time, as the Department’s aim was to “create a deeper understanding of the respective views and interests of each stakeholder group.” The Symposium gave a clearer comprehension of the roles of the many different governmental offices in intercountry adoption, and yet there is still much to learn about each entity and their direct roles. It became clear to me that our present system of intercountry adoption and the policies and regulations governing it are far more intricate than I imagined.

All of us care for the safety of children. All of us recognize their vulnerability. All of us want to protect them from those who would do them harm. Bringing all of us together, as this Symposium does, provides us with an opportunity to meet those goals in cooperation rather than in competition.

Carl Rische, Assistant Secretary of State for Consular Affairs

Despite moments of challenge, in the end, all agreed that safety of the children is utmost. For long now, fear, trauma, anger, and disconnect have made it extremely difficult for everyone involved to come together. I believe all members within the adoption constellation, that is birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents, have suffered tremendous loss, but those losses and how they are experienced and processed are uniquely individual. However, I’m not the first to say, adoptees have had the least voice and suffered the greatest losses, yet have the most to be learned from because of our lived experience. We all need far greater awareness and acknowledgment of the losses, fears of rejection, feelings of shame and guilt and our own processes of grief for true healing to occur. We have to hear each other’s voices and not be put off by them, find connection through difference. I experienced the Symposium as a step towards changing the current environment, an opportunity for all voices to be listened to, despite great disparity at times among different groups. All in all, if intercountry adoption is to exist and we agree that those who should “benefit” the most – the adopted child, youth, adult adoptee – then we must guarantee long-term healing, safety and permanence for the adoptee through adoption practice and policy that provides greater protections.

What Protections?

Citizenship For ALL Adoptees. Today, an estimated thousands of intercountry adoptees who were adopted by U.S. parents are without U.S. citizenship due to a loophole that exists in current legislation. They remain at risk, unable to access critical services and rights. According to 18 Million Rising, 35 intercountry adoptees have been deported with more being targeted. Current legislation (Child Citizenship Act of 2000) granted citizenship to foreign-born adoptees adopted by U.S. citizens; however, the bill did not take effect until February 27, 2001, and as a result, adoptees who were 18-years old or older at the time were not covered unbeknownst to adoptive parents and adoptees. Deportation causes another significant trauma to those adoptees. They are torn away from family and forced to live in a country where they were relinquished, where they do not speak the language, understand the culture, nor have known family. They were guaranteed a “better life,” one of permanence, and yet have been failed. The Citizenship Act of 2019 would fix the loophole in current legislation and grant automatic citizenship to all adoptees; however, the bill remains tied up in Congress. Adoptee activists continue to engage with Congressmen/women and Senators to advance this bill, yet increased and ongoing Adoptee and Ally support is needed. I urge you to support this bill, get involved by donating, volunteering and/or contacting your legislators. Learn more at Adoptees for Justice, Adoptee Rights Campaign, Adoptee Rights Law. And for a brief history of this legislation, click here.

Ethical Adoption Practices. Regulatory oversight is critical to ensuring the safety and protection of children, as we know that those who would cause harm for profit have existed under unethical adoption practices across the history of intercountry adoption. At the Symposium, adoptive parents, Adam and Jessica Davis, shared their story of adopting a five-year old girl, Namata, from Uganda only to learn a year and a half later, as Namata’s English improved, that she had a loving mommy who cared for her back home. Upon further investigation, the family learned that, indeed Namata was not an orphan. Her mother had been tricked into sending her daughter to a family in the U.S. whom she believed would provide for her education and then be later returned home. The Davis’ did a remarkable thing, eventually vacating the adoption and reuniting Namata with her mother in Uganda. This is one family who stood against those who urged them to keep Namata, despite the injustices again her mother and the abhorrent trafficking that occurred. Jessica stated in an interview with CNN.

After unveiling Namata’s true story and doing extensive research, I feel I have gained an awareness of the realities of corruption occurring across the board within international adoption. This complicated yet beautiful act of opening up a home and a heart to a child in need has become heavily corrupted by greed and saviorism.

Jessica Davis, adoptive parent and activist – quote used with permission.

The U.S. adoption agency the Davis family worked with was later debarred. This is only one story, one family, one example of unethical adoption practice, though others exist. And yet, “Harm to even one adopted child is unacceptable.” (Carl Rische, opening statement). Unregulating standards is not the answer, as some alluded to, but efforts to thoroughly investigate a child’s “orphan” status among other things must continue.

Additionally, unregulated custody transfers (UCTs), also known as rehoming, endanger the lives of adopted children. UCT’s occur when parents transfer the physical custody of their child to a person who is not the child’s parent or other adult relative, or adult friend of the family with whom the child is familiar, with the intent of permanently avoiding responsibility for the child’s care and without taking reasonable steps to ensure the child’s safety or permanency of the placement (Child Welfare Information Gateway). Children adopted through foster care and intercountry adoption are at greater risk for UCT. A recent study found challenges associated with these adoptions – the child’s complex physical and behavioral health needs and difficulties finding and, furthermore, paying for needed health services, may lead families to seek out unregulated transfers (Brown, K., Morrison, E., Hartjes, E., Nguyen, N., Sweet, A. 2015. Steps have been taken to address unregulated custody transfers of adopted children. Washington, DC: Government Accountability Office. Retrieved from http://www.gao.gov/products/GAO-15-733). There is legislation currently pending on unregulated custody transfers.

Post-Adoption Services. At this time, there is no federal or state regulation or oversight guiding implementation of post-adoption services. Adoption service providers across the country are at their own discretion to offer such services. We heard from a number of adoptive parents who expressed great difficulty accessing needed resources and support after the finalization of adoption. Adoption service providers themselves agreed that this is the case. We know that children who are adopted are at higher risk for developing emotional, psychological, and behavioral problems as a result of disrupted attachments, trauma and identity issues, even though physically they may thrive in a safe and loving home. The emotional, psychological, and physical state of the birth mother during pregnancy also has tremendous impact on the child. The child brings all of this trauma into the adoptive family, which impacts every member of the family system, including siblings. With this knowledge comes great responsibility to help that child heal. The adoption journey really begins post-adoption. Most services are terminated at that time, yet ongoing support during the first few months and years following are critical to the healthy development and healing of the child.

Lastly, there is legislation pending related to intercountry adoption, but outcomes remain to be seen. And finally, I want to thank the Department of State for welcoming adoptees and birth parents to the Symposium and for showing support to those of us who attended. Thank you to my fellow adoptees for your passion, determination, and tireless efforts to make our voices heard. Huge thanks to Lynelle Long, who blazed the way for us to attend this event. We’ve reached a pivotal point. It is my hope that Adoptees can work alongside other stakeholders to achieve change that brings increased safety, protection, and healing to adoptees. We do need to get it right because so much is at stake, now more than ever, and the way forward is to include adoptees as part of the process.

To read Carl Rische’s introductory remarks at the Symposium in full, click here.

 

 

 

Taiwanese American cultural festival

May is winding down, and boy has it been a busy month. May is officially recognized as Asian Pacific American Heritage Month. Celebrations occur throughout California during the month including the Los Angeles Asian Pacific Film Festival and the Taiwanese American Cultural Festival, which is held annually in the Bay area. TACF is sponsored by Taiwanese American Professionals-San Francisco and Taiwanese American Foundation-No. California. This year, TACF featured a collection of nearly 50 works by authors, writers, poets, and creatives who are Taiwanese American or have ties to Taiwan, and guess what? My book, Beyond Two Worlds: A Taiwanese-American Adoptee’s Memoir & Search for Identity was one of the works featured! For the entire list of books showcased and brief descriptions of each book, visit Taiwaneseamerican.org.

Thank you, Ho Chie Tsai, for gathering this wonderful collection of books highlighting Taiwanese American storytellers. I wish that I could have attended the festival and seen the display in person as well as all of the other festivities. I’ve put several of the books on my to-read list.

If you’d like to purchase an autographed copy of my book, just follow this link.

Here are some photographs from the Taiwanese American Cultural Festival 2018!

Photo credit: Anna Wu Photography

 

elevate adoptee voices

Since last November, I’ve had the privilege of connecting to many other adult intercountry adoptees around the U.S. via a podcast I hosted called Global Adoptee Talk. Some participated in my podcast and others did not. Nevertheless, just to hear and share stories was incredibly validating, and I appreciate the supportive community that we’re a part of. Unfortunately, I had to let go of my podcast before it even had a real chance to get off the ground due to increasing demands at work and the lack of time and energy I had to keep up with editing/interviewing. I am always inspired, grieved, saddened, angered, and motivated by the many adoptees stories I hear – motivated primarily to elevate adoptee voices in whatever shape or form that may take. It’s always important to be mindful of the fact that though an adoptee may have had a positive adoption experience, there is still undoubtedly loss, trauma, and frequently a longing to connect to cultural roots. That may mean searching for one’s birth parents or first/birth family or traveling to one’s country of origin, learning the language, and/or connecting to others who have similar backgrounds and experiences. It doesn’t go away – it may ebb and flow across the span of an adoptee’s life, but it’s a part of our makeup; it’s part of our DNA and hard-wired into our brains, literally. I don’t have time to go into how separation from birth mother is trauma, but suffice it to say, there is research that supports it. Acknowledging that adoptees have a vital role in the future of how adoption occurs and are given a voice is crucial.

I’m bummed to let go of my podcast, but I have hopes of one day picking it back up, as time allows. I miss that connection to other adoptees. There are plenty of super podcasts out there. Two of my favorite adoptee podcasts are Adoptees On, Adapted, and Born In June Raised in April.    The Rambler was also a favorite, but the show closed earlier this year. All of these podcasts are available on iTunes – listen in – it’s totally worth it.

I sure learned a lot while producing my podcast and am super grateful for those adoptees that I had the opportunity to connect with. Adoptee voices are truly making their way to the forefront of discussions on adoption, as they should. Let us continue to build a strong and vibrant community, inclusive and respectful of all adoptees and their unique stories.

Past episodes of Global Adoptee Talk are available on Soundcloud

My memoir!

Cover

Beyond Two Worlds: A Taiwanese-American Adoptee’s Memoir & Search for Identity is now live! If you have not yet purchased your copy, don’t delay. I have a few books left, and signed copies can be purchased right here on my website.  Just click on Shop to order. Kindle and hardcover editions are available via my author page at Amazon, and you can also find the book at Barnes & Noble, and Indiebound.org.

If you enjoyed reading the book, please consider leaving a review on Amazon, or wherever you purchased your copy. Unfortunately, I am unable to ship internationally; however, those copies can be ordered through Amazon and Barnes & Noble online. To learn more about the book and to read an excerpt, click here, and to read reviews, click here. Thank you for supporting Beyond Two Worlds.

Happy reading!