Lop-sided

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How I hate disappointing you.
The silence that follows.
It screams, “you failed,”
and that primeval hammer
in my nervous system
sounds the alarm.
My younger self, her face
red and burning,
insides churning;
her hands balled up
in tight little fists.
She silently rages
and turns her pain inward.
I am not fooled by
your sugar-coated words,
your pious efforts that appear
like some kind of holiness;
they just as quickly
become poisonous quills.
I am letting go,
for in letting go I am free –
Oh that my freedom
had not come at
such a high cost!
It is a double-edged sword,
a fine balance
between power and sacrifice,
relief and sorrow,
feeling everything
and nothing at all,
often at the same time.
I weep for all the things lost,
yet all the things gained.
My heart is lop-sided.
And lop-sided shall it be
till better days arrive.
I will survive.
For a lop-sided heart
is better than an
imprisoned one.
Let me rejoice in
having a heart at all.

Photo by Felix Rottmann on Unsplash

Wildfires

3 Replies

I sit with bated breath, like most of the country, due to the wildfires spreading across Los Angeles County. It is deeply saddening to watch such destruction. My heart grieves for the wildlife, the animals that have been impacted by these fires. I started limiting my consumption of social media after seeing hurt animals, a completely singed, terrified raccoon posted on Threads was the last I could bear. I’m concerned and anxious for the animals who are caught and/or fleeing the fires. I know that thousands of humans have been evacuated and lost their homes and businesses. The suffering of innocent wildlife and animals, however, is most unbearable. I am safe from harm here in Long Beach. I have friends and family who live in North Hollywood and Santa Monica, and fortunately, they have not had to evacuate (at least not at this time). I’m grateful to be at home with my pup, but cannot help but feel for all those suffering. The wildfires come yearly, yet it seems that this year the damage is even more widespread. I hope those who may be reading this post in Los Angeles are safe. I’ll continue to ask the angels to send strength to all of the first responders engaged and safety to all beings affected by the Los Angeles wildfires. May we collectively hold them in light and love.

Resources to support those affected by the Los Angeles wildfires:

https://www.lahsa.org/news?article=1014-resources-to-support-those-during-the-l-a-fires

For Best

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What to do when the answer is unclear,
when unable to obtain the clarity you seek
knowing that the wrong decision could
wreak havoc, make life rather bleak.
Oh, the anxiety that spins me round and round
makes me weak, and I cannot ground!
It feels like a terrible pounding in my head.
I cannot catch my breath! It is caught between
my ribs in spasms of fear and uncertainty.
Alone, I must go forward, for there is no
right or wrong, only what is, what might be.
No one to to tell me what is best.
May the clouds lift and the sun promise
a day without panic. Be patient, my dear,
try not to fret, for the answer is near,
though it may not be what you want,
it is for best.

Home

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Under a rosy morning sun
I walk the path of memories,
yearning to recover what has
been lost across lifetimes.
You must sense it too, that we have
known each other a very long time,
centuries, millennia, who is to know,
except perhaps our souls?
An achy, distant loss buried deep within
my marrow; yet, there is a knowingness
when I am with you that not even the
absence of memory can repress.
You walk beside me and know all of
my shadows, illuminating the dark
corners of my heart and mind.
With you I am home.
Across dimensions, light years,
the expansion of time; wherever you are,
I am at home.
May it always be true now and for evermore.

Drømmefanger by Kalandra. Drømmefanger translated means “dreamcatcher.”

Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash

Enjoy the Stars

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Happy Holidays! It’s that time of the year again. I’m finally on winter break and couldn’t be more giddy. I’m trying to stay present and not worry about how fast the break will go. I’ll be hosting a small Christmas gathering tomorrow at home with my daughter and a good friend. I still have yet to figure out what to prepare other than pumpkin pie. My brain and body are tired, but I’m so glad to not be at work.

It’s my second holiday season on my own. The quiet is nice, but I’ve found myself grieving the familiarity of the home I left, snuggling with my pup while we watch movies. Well I watched the movies, and my pup snuggled. My current rental has had so many issues, primarily feral cats pooping in the yard. I do feel for the kitties, but it’s a pain to clean their messes. The neighbor feeds them, and they kinda live in his yard but use my yard as a giant kitty litter box. I’ve considered breaking my lease, however, the thought of moving again is dreadful not to mention, likely costly. It’s been an ongoing issue since moving in and caused much stress. I’ve invested in way too many deterrents that unfortunately don’t work long-term, but I keep trying. Homeowner not very aggressive in dealing with the issue. Sigh…

Anyway, back to holiday cheer. Yule is my favorite time of the year, my favorite season. I’m truly savouring the slowdown, noursishing myself with stillness, rest, and pause as much as possible. Lots of reflection on the past year, what I’ve been able to accomplish, what has taken a toll, and what I intend to release.

Thank you for stopping by and reading this little blurb. May you, too, slow down, enjoy the stars tonight, and savor the stillness of winter. Wishing you a safe and happy holiday!

Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

A little holiday cheer from Laufey…

Burnout

19 Replies

I walk into the ER to check in. Two women sit behind desks. They have friendly faces and seem genuinely kind.

“Are you checking in?” says one.

“Yes. I’m having chest pain.”

“Have you experienced this kind of pain before,” asks the medical person sitting next to the woman checking me in. I know, I do not appear as if anything is wrong. I look normal on the outside. Nothing seemingly reveals that it feels like I’m burning from the inside out in my chest, unless perhaps, you know me well. I’m good at masking my feelings and pain.

“Oh, yes, multiple times,” I reply as the other assistant attaches a band around my wrist. “EKGs never turn up anything. I think it’s probably stress and anxiety.”

“Okay,” says the other woman, assuredly. “You’re all checked in. Have a seat in the lobby, and they will call you right away.”

“Can I go to the restroom first?” I ask.

“No,” they’re going to call you immediately because it’s chest pain.”

She’s right. I hear my name. A female medical assistant ushers me into the ER. Before I sit down to have vitals taken, I ask to go to the restroom.”

“No, I’m sorry you can’t. There’s a procedure we need to follow. We have to time everything because you’re having chest pain. The EKG won’t take long at all.”

I’ve had EKGs in the past, and they weren’t exactly short. But I get it. In case I’m having a freaking heart attack, which I’m certain I’m not. While she’s taking my BP, a male assistant joins us. I watch wearily as he puts on a pair of blue, squeaky sounding rubber gloves. BP is taken. I try to see the numbers but can’t because I’m bleary eyed and turn my attention away. Again I ask to go to the restroom.

“I’m sorry, but we need to do the EKG first,” the male assistant tells me. “It will be really quick.”

I follow the male assistant who takes me to another very small area, and I’m instructed to lie down on the stretcher/bed thingy. He applies all the little pads where they need to go. I’m wondering if he’s checking out my tattoos. At least I didn’t have to completely disrobe, yet why do I always get the cute, young male assistants to do the damn EKGs?

It’s the fastest EKG ever. Literally, it’s over in a couple of minutes. He removes all the wires and pads and tells me I can now go to the restroom, points me in the right direction. Thank God, because I really have to pee.

I go back out into the lobby and wait. Pretty soon, a physican comes to get me, and again, I’m taken to another small exam room. He asks about my symptoms, blah, blah, blah. My chest still hurts, but it’s not as bad as a couple of nights ago. The physician is masked, but he has kind eyes and seems to listen. He tells me he wants to run some labs and an x-ray. I’m glad they’re at least making sure the pain isn’t related to my heart. Though I don’t think it is, I can’t help but be a little worried, and it’s nice to have someone provide care when I’m worried and not sure what the hell is happening to my body. I feel old.

I go back out to the lobby, and no less than a few minutes later, another male assistant takes me back for an x-ray. I have never had an x-ray like this. I sit in a chair, and he puts a board behind my back. There is a huge, mobile machine that he adjusts, and click, the x-ray is taken. Cool. I didn’t have to remove anything. Best EKG and chest xray ever, I think to myself, ignoring the dull ache in my stupid chest. I again return to the lobby. Before long, the phlembotomist calls my name for the blood draw. Fun. Not fun. I tell him that they always use a butterfly needle because I have tiny veins. He looks at the veins in my right arm.

“No kidding. Tiny, tiny veins.”

Yes. And I am probably not very well hydrated so I’m hoping for the best. The phlembotomist inserts the needle slowly into my arm then pushes up on the needle. Ow. I’ve never had anyone push the needle in that way, but he gets a vein, and I can see the blood steadily flowing into the little tube, not dribbling, like a dried up riverbed. I ask why so many tubes. He says he takes extra just in case. Oh joy.

Eventually, I meet with the physician. Everything looks normal. My heart is fine. I knew that. The culprit of the chest pain remains unknown. I ask if the pain will just go away. The physician suggests I get a stress test after meeting with my primary care doctor, which isn’t until next April. Hmm. I’m left to believe that the chest pain is related to stress and anxiety. If I hadn’t been recommended to go to the ER by the triage nurse I spoke with on the phone, I wouldn’t have gone.

Later in the evening, the pain has subsided. Despite not wanting to drive to the ER, I’m glad I did, if for nothing else than peace of mind. No heart issues. Occasionally, I feel a twinge, then reassure myself that everything is okay. Just slow slown. Just breathe. The thought of going anywhere today makes my heart race and head spin. I’m tired, exhausted. I think my body literally could not do more last week. I pushed through the day on Wednesday, despite the pain in my chest. Thursday and Friday, I called in sick. Yesterday was the ER day. I am resting as much as possible this weekend, although a phone call with an old friend that I hadn’t talked to in a year was a bit triggering.

I’m okay. Just slow down. Just breathe.

There are two more weeks left until the winter break, at which time, I’ll have nearly one month off of work. I do not know how I will get through the next two weeks, except to grit my teeth and bear it, as the saying goes. It is hard to give to others when you have nothing left to give. So be it. There is a staff holiday party, a potluck. More work. Luckily I bought an apple pie on Wednesday in preparation for the other holiday party I missed, another pot luck. Who does pot lucks anymore, anyway? As if we’re not already tired from a long, busy semester.

Two more weeks till freedom. Temporary freedom. But freedom, nonetheless. Oh to get to the other side.

Big Magick

4 Replies

I have been home sick. Worked remote yesterday but today called out. I really don’t like to call out sick. I cannot remember the last time I felt so run down. Ah, it was when I contracted COVID in 2020, followed by a chronic subdural hygroma that was excruciatingly painful. So weird. Who knows how I ended up with a hygroma. I did not anticipate that the work at my present job would be so tough … Seriously, I don’t think I’m a hypochondriac. I typically love life, freedom, creative expression, music, art. I’ll be out for winter break in a month, at which time I will glory in slow mornings, drinking a full cup of coffee, and avoiding the damn 405 like the plague. Nearly a month off, yessss!

I watched an interview with author, Elizabeth Gilbert, who appeared on the Mike Birbiglia show after my work day. I followed Gilbert’s Big Magic podcast for a while and greatly admire her independence, her break from the long held expectations of females. I love that she feels happier in solitude and perhaps more productive, certainly, freer outside the confines of romantic entanglement. I appreciate her views on creativity and work and her ethics related to avoiding that pressure to utilize your creativity as a sole source of income. She noted that she had multiple income streams until her fourth book, Eat Pray, Love, took off and made her a successful author. I have been considering what work path to pursue that allows for increased quality of life and creativity, less stress, and less “helping others,” as truly, I am burnt to a crisp. The more intuitive side of me begs to come out and play. I keep telling her to be patient until I have more space, stillness; her time will come. Life is short, is it not? Especially at this age when there are fewer years left to live. I’d love to engage more in what inspires me – writing, nature, reading, playing music, sound medicine, growing plants, animals, magick.

I am possibly the worst business person ever. I learned that after having a private practice for a couple of years prior to my current job. I admire those who run their own businesses. Self employment comes with a caveat. You have to be successful to sustain a living! And California ain’t cheap. Lessons from Liz Gilbert. Don’t quit your day job to pursue your creative interests. I appreciate that Gilbert was her own sugar mama. I also resonate with the notion that there has to be another reason to make art besides the market. She talked about the book she decided not to publish, The Snow Forest, due to the war between Russia and the Ukraine. Ukranian readers expressed their disdain at the release due to the book’s Russian setting. Gilbert said it took three years to write. But she got the message, how harmful it would be to release the book at such a time, two years after Russia invaded Ukraine. Wow. It is sitting on a shelf for another time or maybe never.

I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of creating work for the simple joy of creating, whether others see it, read it, like it or not. Wouldn’t it be dreamy to make money doing what you love, but for some of us, perhaps it’s not in the stars. There will always be others who are more talented, more ambitious, more successful, in their prime. Maybe I need to aim higher. Manifest more diligently. One can daydream, even in mid-life, and make shifts slowly towards a path that is more fulfilling. I am too old to work this hard, at least my body tells me so. And I must listen. Wimp or not, it is personal choice and the freedom to have that choice. When I have figured it all out, I will let you know. It may be a little while yet.

Photo by Sofia Holmberg on Unsplash

thriving adoptees podcast

1 Reply

I was recently interviewed for an adoptee podcast, Thriving Adoptees, hosted by Simon Benn. You can click here to listen or follow the link at the end of this post. I was slightly nervous to do an interview, but it was good chatting with another adoptee. Simon has interviewed hundreds of adoptees. I appreciate the work he does with adoptees and for the community.

Episode Summary

Does music lift your spirit? Is it an escape for you? It was for Mj as a child. It is now. She also uses music with clients in therapy sessions. Listen in as we go deep on escaping, spirit, people pleasing, being accepted and much more…. Mj is a music therapist-board certified (MT-BC) and licensed clinical social worker.

Episode Notes

Does music lift your spirit? Is it an escape for you? It was for Mj as a child. It is now. She also uses music with clients in therapy sessions. Listen in as we go deep on escaping, spirit, people pleasing, being accepted and much more….

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/thriving-adoptees-lets-thrive/id1563041217?i=1000675757657

Today

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Today I have a mind to let go,
to bask in the the warmth of an autumn day.
The sun never felt so brilliant.

To be silenced by the whistles and trills
of birdsong, the soft drumming of beetle wings
is what I divine.

I will bow to such simplicity.
For in such simplicity is grandeur,
and I shall wear it like a velvet gown.

Happy November 1st

12 Replies

Hi out there. Hope this post finds you well. I’m enjoying a day off of work, as I celebrated Samhain with a friend last nite. We honored our ancestors, practiced some divination, had some drinks. It was a fun, magickal evening.

I recently connected with a shaman who I’ll begin working with soon. She spoke of a strong ancestral presence upon our first conversation. I was never interested in my ancestry until I found my adoption contract, hidden in my adoptive parents’ attic for who knows how long. It found its way to me immediately following my adoptive mother’s funeral, as though my mom was saying, “I want you to have this now.” The contract revealed things my adoptive parents hid from me and likely falsified. So many things were untrue. My adoptive mom made sure that all ties to my birth country were severed. On the rare occasion that I brought up questions, she became weirdly paranoid, asking who put me up to asking such questions. I didn’t pursue it. It’s been 12 years since I visited the country of my birth, Taiwan. I’ve wanted to return but life happens and so many things have gotten in the way. My hope is to return sometime next year. And I hope that in working with this shaman, I’ll connect with my birth mother and perhaps other ancestors.

I haven’t written any poems lately. We’re so fatigued at work from a very busy fall semester and previously, a not so slow summer. Fatigue has a way of crushing creativity. I’m glad to know it’s not just me but my colleagues also feel it, the burnout. Secondly, I go back and read some of my poems and think, this is such shitty poetry. What possessed me to write poems? On the other hand, it was therapeutic while I went through a divorce. Freedom. It feels good. Yet there are some days when the loss comes up so strong it literally catches my breath, and I cannot believe where I am, how I made it out, what I’m doing. It’s not so much the loss of a marriage but what I left behind…my dog, my piano, my music books, the little nest I built that was home, etc (I will retrieve those things when I have a permanent place). Even the dissolution of the most toxic marriage is felt as a loss. I don’t know how else to explain it. I have felt the gamut of emotion, sadness, anger, anxiety, worry, hopelessness, uncertainty. At times, I sometimes still feel transient, displaced. No one would know that I’m grieving. I come across like I have my shit together (most days). And on we go.

Samhain lasts till sundown this evening; the veil between this world and the “Otherworld” remains thinnest. So maybe some spellwork today and divination. Certainly, pondering my ancestral roots, the birth parents I never knew and honoring my birth mother in particular. Wishing you all a very blessed day. I thank you for stopping by and hope to catch up on reading your posts soon. May you enjoy the turning of the season!

With You by Kalandra. To my soulmate wherever you may be…Honestly, we have multiple soulmates, but this song is so beautiful I’m sending it out…lolol…And I’m currently obsessed with this band.

Photo by Daizy Isumi on Unsplash

wicked wind

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the wicked wind came howling tonight,
a squall that shook me to my bones 
the moon pierced through the stormy clouds,
and i sighed deeply as the wild wind
whipped and moaned
take away the memory of him
i begged the fierce wind as it shrieked,
but it seemed to laugh as only tempests can
leaving stains of dust ‘cross my pallid cheek
how haughty is the wicked wind
to laugh with such disdain
at a love gone cold and a heart deceived
no sympathy did it feign

Borders by Kalandra


Photo by Luka Vovk on Unsplash

save wild horses

6 Replies

I’m back from my visit to Return to Freedom. Left Saturday about mid-morning, forgot to factor in traffic, but made it just in time for the tour. It was about a 3+ hour drive, give or take a few minutes. It seems no matter what time you leave on any given day in Los Angeles, there will always be traffic. Silly me to have forgotten. We started the tour around 3:30pm and ended just shy of 6:30. I got my steps in, lol.

The weather was sunny, bright, and very warm, but not unbearable. Definitely got warmer, however, as we continued our trek through the sanctuary. Thankfully, there was a nice breeze most of the time. Upon arrival, we caravaned down a dusty dirt road, greeted by several wild burros. They are the sweetest creatures! Later we walked alongside them, stoppng to scratch behind long, fuzzy ears and marvel at such cuteness.

We saw several different herds of wild horses in various regions of the sanctuary, some horses open to connecting with humans. Others stood at a distance or atop a hill, probably thinking, “Oh it’s those humans again.” My favorite part of the tour was connecting briefly with a mare named Willow. There were many people on the tour, so most everyone wanted to touch the horses that were friendly and open to greeting humans. Willow walked over to me and let me scratch her head and behind her ears. She has the sweetest eyes and temperament. I could have hung out with Willow all day.

I stayed in Lompoc overnight. At bedtime, I just got so emotional! Horses bring out all the feels. Also knowing that so many wild mustangs and burros are rounded up and separated from their families by the evil BLM gnaws at me. Some are killed during the chase, including babies. Those caught are sent to auction, forced into kill pens to be transported to Mexico and slaughtered for meat by the highest bidders. Some are placed in other holding pens for the rest of their lives, far away from the lands they once roamed. Thank the stars for RTF and other sanctuaries that rescue as many as they can. They are unable to save them all, which makes me deeply sad and angry at the injustice, that humans can get away with such cruelty and inhumanity. Other horses may be bought by reckless owners who starve and abuse them until their light disappears.

The horrific rounding up continues. It’s remarkable that sanctuaries like RTF try very hard to find family members and reunite wild horses when they are able to, sometimes taking years. I hope to return to RTF to take some of the workshops offered. It’s just a long drive, and workshops are spendy, of course, but I’m sure well worth it. Horses are again at the forefront of my heart. I am drawn to them. Perhaps the horse is my totem or spirit animal. 

Below are a few photos. They don’t do these beautiful animals justice, and I wished I had an actual camera so I could zoom in. I shot a few videos as well. The first two photos (top row, L to R) are of Spirit, a stallion who was the inspiration for Dreamworks animated film, “Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron.” He is 29 years old, quite beautiful and very sweet. I spent a few minutes rubbing his neck. We were told that he loves children, and the first humans he walked over to were the kids. Next are a couple of cute burros. There were many. That’s Willow and my hand, lol, on the second row. After Willow is a band of horses called the Brislawn herd. They have the most beautiful coats including grulla/o. And lastly is one of the largest herds, 33 total, at the sanctuary. There are a few bands within the herd including two stallions with their mares.

I would have loved a more private tour. There sensed so much human energy that I found it hard to be present with those horses that came up to us. This was, however, a group tour, and I’m grateful to have learned more about RTF and the wild horses and burros. I should probably stop obsessing now over horses! Just being in their presence is magical. 

Photos by Mj, iPhone XR 😂

shine

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in the quiet of the morning,
my heart open wide
the wind softly whispers
let go, let go my child
yesterday was heavy
a heart full of sorrow,
your troubles, far too many
for any one human to hold
follow the light of the sun
for it will always rise
bask in its warmth and promise
that tomorrow you will shine

The Sun is the source of all life on Earth. It represents optimism and abundance. It radiates with warmth and vitality. The Sun also represents creativity. Sunflowers, one of my favorite flowers, represent happiness, loyalty, and longevity. Young sunflowers move to face the sun, thus the name, “sunflower.” Perhaps, that’s why I’m drawn to them 🙂

Photo by Ryan Tasto on Unsplash

shadow of you

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out of this body,
out of this mind
running frantically in place
as though running out of time
in my dreams i search for you
amid a forest thick with mist,
but you are not to be found,
and there i remain alone and adrift
when suddenly you appear
under a half-lit crescent moon,
time seems to stand still, illuminated
yet you disappear far too soon
i reach blindly for your shadow
to it shall i cling,
but your shadow slowly fades
no solace does it bring

Endings, live performance by East Forest

Photo by Sven Brandsma on Unsplash

moving day

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I am moved into the new house! It feels good to be in. Lots of spiders, however, eww. More unpacking and cleaning to do – feels like I’ve run a freakin’ marathon! Giant headache, couple of bruises, and sore muscles. This little house has less storage than my last apartment, like no closet for linens, so I’m figuring out how to get creative with storage. Where to store the makeup and bathroom stuff, the linens? I’m also not certain now that I’m in that my baby grand piano will fit. Maybe it’s the empty boxes spread out all over the place. But, it’s okay. I have a digital piano, which I’ll put back together today, as well as a  bookshelf. Everything else is set. Took a while to put my bed together. It was much easier taking it apart. I have a backyard for Poppie with some pretty string lights!

It’s quieter in this neighborhood, except for the fireworks that went off last night. The homeowner did forewarn me that people like to shoot their fireworks, apparently not only on Fourth of July. I caught a glimpse of some in the night sky last night as I was doing laundry. The washer and dryer are sitting on the back deck. But there are nice covers to protect them when not in use. Old homes – ya gotta love ’em, or not… Now to undo all the boxes and store them in the scary, spider filled garage. I’m thrilled to be moved in. I think I’ve been too busy and tired to think and feel. Perhaps that’s a good thing.

fireproof

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thinking blue

under the last quarter moon

lazy summer afternoons,

beachy vibes and thrills in june

the fire behind your eyes,

like golden ember

earth that binds

it’s the spark i’ll remember,

my muse

two wayfaring souls drawn together

boundless are we

eternal,

Fireproof

Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine. Lyrics here.

Photo by Unsplash in collaboration with Spencer Backman

rainbow

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I have been packing like crazy for the past week. As the saying goes, you don’t know how much stuff you have till you relocate. Exactly a year ago, I moved into this small, two-bedroom apartment due to necessity. I have never lived alone, not that I haven’t wanted to. Always had at least one roommate, and well, a spouse. I have loved living alone and having my own space. I loved furnishing my apartment. I remember purchasing my sectional sofa and bed, assembling them, then slowly adding in rugs, a small dining table and MCM dining chairs, hanging wall art, and styling the space in a way that felt cozy and warm, like home. Here I am, about to relocate again to a new place, a house. It’s a small house, one bedroom, tiny yard, garage mainly for storage, and a covered carport. I’ve fretted so much because of the neighborhood the home is located in. I hate to say it, but when I drive through the neighborhood, I feel distressed. The homeowner repeatedly said it’s a safe area, blah, blah, blah; nevertheless, it’s a culture shock. I love the house itself, however. It’s set back from the street beside two other homes. Still, I worry I won’t like the area. The lease is not forever, so there is that. All signs tell me it’s a good move, despite my qualms.

This morning I experienced a very strong wave of dizziness – not the first time. I thought it was a panic attack, but it was mostly my body telling me to slow down and take better care of it. Yesterday, I had to give a training at work for Parents of First Year Students on campus, which didn’t take long, thankfully. But I did pack before and after, way into the night. I woke up this morning with a giant headache, body aches, and pains – you know, the usual. I was stretching, and a certain movement caused a very unwelcome wave of nausea. I had to lie down and rest for most of the morning until it passed. After eating, I felt slightly better. Still not super great, but here I am writing this post.

I move next Monday. I hired movers, but still so much more to pack. Then there’s the unpacking. Multiple stressors compete for my attention – family crises, financial worries, moving, work, health, my dog, who needs to see a dental veterinarian. What struck me this morning as I was lying on my sofa is how much grief creeps in on top of all the other stuff, the loss of multiple things, including my youth, marriage, seeing someone you love suffer, thus the aches and pains. I felt this morning that I could not handle another minute of it. I will truly miss this place, this beachy community, what has come to be home for the past year, perhaps just this small chapter of my life, which has turned out to be a whopper.

I’ve come across rainbows multiple times in the past couple of weeks. The rainbow is an ancient symbol of peace and divine honor. Though things feel so turbulant in this moment, I feel certain there will be a rainbow on the other side, even if I have to paint one, dammit, in my art journal.

Rainbow, Kacey Musgraves. I learned to play this on my little digital piano. Maybe one day I’ll post. But no one can sing it as well as Kacey ❤

Photo by eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplash

once again

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look, look what you have done
just when i come up for air
and all in life seems fair
you silently choke the light
right out of me,
expect me to live a life that
is not mine
when you haven’t the first clue
the dark that threatens to undo,
nor can you care
for everything has a price tag,
my dreams have languished, lagged
i am spilled out
and for a moment i doubt,
but the waxing moon promises renewal
shall i aspire to the beautiful?
a gift, a life anew,
climb out of the doldrum
shake off what numbs
and start once again

Cheers to shitty poems. But the song is amazing. Echo of my Shadow by Aurora. 

Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash

new beginnings

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Can you believe we’re almost midway through June? Is it just me or does time really fly?

I’ve had the past 10 days free of work, frolicking on the beach and house hunting. It’s been exceedingly lovely to rest and restore. I so enjoyed my time off from work and spending time with friends. It was much needed. I don’t think I could have worked another day. In the span of 10 days, I found a new home rental that I’ll be moving into in just a matter of weeks. Wow. It is a time of action with the waxing crescent moon, so I guess the timing is fitting. It feels as though a lifetime occurred in the last 10 days 

I’ve gone back and forth about this new home, questioning whether it’s the right move. It’s small, just the right size, very nice, and has cottage-y vibes. I adore the house. The homeowner I experienced as warm and approachable. There’s a small backyard with string lights and enough room to move in my baby grand piano. So what’s the hang up? It’s just further away from the beach, where I’ve lived for the past year. A close friend and I have lived walking distance from each other’s apartment, and I will truly miss that as well as walking across the street to the beach. The new house is in a somewhat mixed neighborhood, meaning it’s in a relatively safe area, but my first impression was, it’s kinda “sketchy.” I keep reminding myself that the home has a backyard. I’ll be able to keep my sweet pup for longer periods of time. I think she’ll feel more comfortable in the space and will have a backyard to explore. I share her with my ex. She loves her doggie door and big backyard at what used to be the home we all shared. It was one of the hardest things ever to leave her.

Change. Change is hard. So many changes in the last year. More changes to come. I should be celebrating, yet I feel a little sad about leaving this space, and ultimately, endings. It’s the end of a chapter. I wanted to stay close, but home properties are less available and more expensive. Life is complicated, messy. How I wish it weren’t so. I will miss this area very much, despite crazy apartment living and crazy neighbors. For many months, it’s been a safe haven, a place to heal.

Why move? I’ve asked myself a million times, weighing the pros and cons obsessively. My lease is up on June 12th, so it seemed an appropriate time. Moreso, I’ve been longing for a home with a backyard for my dog, space for my baby grand, and privacy.

There is much to love about the new house, and I’m grateful that the owner chose me to rent to. The beach is about a 10-minute drive south. Change and transition, nevertheless, are hard, even when it’s for the best. I get attached to things and people. I don’t want to lose what I’ve worked hard to attain. My higher self tells me it’s a time of rebirth, but I seem to be gritting my teeth.

So, cheers to new adventures and new beginnings. If I could trust that the Universe has my back, I suppose transition would feel easier. But trust does not come easy. So be it. Let the packing begin. Once settled, I’m certain I’ll fall in love with the house, and who knows, maybe the neighborhood.

Been obsessed with The Marias latest album, Submarine. No One Noticed seems to describe my mood lately. 

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

tiny ache

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what is this tiny ache swelling
beneath my heart?
a worry, sorrow, dismay?
please let it soon depart!
how restless are my days
wondering what is yet to come
blocks, delays, stagnation
oh hellfire and damnation!
where is this life of ease,
that others claim to live?
perhaps it is all illusion,
a grandiose delusion
if i could trust myself enough
to allay all my fears,
to trust the lot that has been cast,
the ache would disappear

Photo by Javardh on Unsplash

forever young

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there’s this uncanny feeling i get
deep down in my gut
like we knew each other
in a past life
i’m most sure of it
my dear friend
who would have known
that after all this time,
we’d end up partners in crime?
hittin’ downtown
like we’re jewels in the crown
soakin’ up the sun
oh, let it be written
that we own the night
under gilded moonlight
you the mage, I the madness
a toast to us,
to all we’ve lost, yet become
may there be more days like this
living life to the fullest
you and i,
forever free, forever young

Photo by David Marcu on Unsplash

warrior

10 Replies

This is an unfinished piece of art I drew and painted a couple of years ago. I’ve never taken any formal art classes – I’m sure it shows – but started drawing in adolescence. I tend to draw stylized female portraits in the style of Tamara LaPorte, my favorite artist. I wish to improve my skills and perhaps experiment with more abstract painting. I don’t quite have the skill yet to paint the way I’d like to. Most of the time, I like the sketch better – the paint seems to muck things up.

It’s been a while since I’ve drawn. Since starting full-time work, I don’t have as much time to dabble in art. But one day, perhaps I’ll get back to it. It takes energy to draw. I find that writing poetry requires less energy and is easier, of course, to edit! I’m really bad at coming up with names, like names for groups I facilitate, names for art, names for poems, etc. What name would you give this drawing? It said “warrior” to me, but like I mentioned, it’s not very creative, lol. I can’t remember what inspired it. Most of the time, I just start drawing, and what shows up, shows up!

She

6 Replies

she looks to the sky
for some divination,
some explanation
for the way things are
why did the stars align
as they did on the day
she was born?
why was she vanquished
to a place where she languished
until it was decided she’d
grow up foreign?
daydreams and portals,
she was anything but normal
drawn to the celestial,
a bit of a rebel
a Starseed is she
when things get too troubling
on Earth, she is struggling
she remembers how silly
of her to forget
that she is
the love of her life
she will survive
she will yet thrive,
and that is all that she needs

For my fellow adoptees who know too well the hurts caused by adoption…

Berceuse in D-Flat, Op. 57, Frédéric Chopin. I love this piece so much and have always wanted to learn to play it. Chopin was always so difficult to play for lots of different reasons. I have small hands, and in Chopin’s piano literature, there are often large intervals that I had to get creative playing, not to mention the technical difficulty. I was an average pianist in my abilities compared to my peers and wasn’t super diligent with practice. I mean, 8 hours a day of practice was just not me. Four was about all I could mange. If super inspired, maybe six, lol. I learned one of Chopin’s Ballades (A-Flat) in my undergraduate piano studies. It was such a beautiful piece – I remember wishing that I could perform it better. I also recall another more technically advanced individual telling me it was Chopin’s easiest Ballade. I just wanted to say, fuck off. I truly hated the perfection required in classical training. Always riddled by performance anxiety. Probably why I despised performing and liked dancing and acting better – you could improvise if you messed up. I do admire pianists who achieve that level of performing. I think I’d be a different performer now, however.

Anyway, one of my professors performed the piece during a recital, and it was such a lovely performance. Was mesmerized. I like Gorlatch’s performance, as it’s at a tempo I prefer for this piece. He makes it look so easy! In fact, this piece is really difficult. So much is subjective within the limits of the period and style the piece was written in. It’s interesting to compare pianists’ interpretations. There is a performance I enjoy slightly more, Wibe Soerjadi, but couldn’t find on YouTube. I love alternative/indie/classic rock and other genres, but often go back to classical when I need to get more grounded.

This piece fit the poem above. Enjoy.

Photo by Rémi Jacquaint on Unsplash

peek-a-boo

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I am here
I am not here
have I disappeared?
peek-a-boo
catch me if you can
picture perfect,
at first glance
yet truth be told,
can barely stand
the way you think I’m fine
must be a thousand times
and over, blind
find me if you can
hiding, bruised, black and blue
peek-a-boo
and right on cue,
I’ll disappear

How Soon Is Now? by The Smiths.  A classic. Thought it fit the poem.

It’s a 3-day weekend! This time last year, I was planning a great escape. I can hardly believe it’s been nearly a year. So much has happened since then. Simply, it has been hard. Grateful for my friends who’ve stood close by. Enjoy the weekend!

Photo by Hannah Xu on Unsplash

dim

2 Replies

it is seven o’ five

feeling barely alive

the day is done

should be reveling in

the warmth of

summer sun,

and yet all i want to do

is crawl into bed

pull the covers over

my throbbing head

and shut the world out

i have no doubt

it will keep turning

whether i lie awake or sleep

safe at home i unmask,

despite shadows prowling,

feasting upon my past

words of love have grown dim

slumber now for tomorrow shall too soon begin

Photo by Jairo Alzate on Unsplash

burning alive

5 Replies

remember the first time
you brushed the hair back
from my eyes
it was one of those crazy hot days last July
sand covered our bronzed, bare feet
you leaned into me with kisses so sweet,
and i could barely breathe
we were burning alive

you were the blue,
always changing like the tide
born to love me with all the grace
of a blooming sunrise,
my morning star
we were burning alive

sun and sand,
wind through the palms
we were stuck together
like two birds of a feather
day and night,
i loved you for eternity
my evening song
we were burning alive

Birds of a Feather by Billie Eilish. Her new album, Hit Me Hard and Soft, dropped yesterday! On repeat, particularly this song, which inspired this poem. Such a great album ❤ 

Photo by Storiès on Unsplash

no longer here

10 Replies

the murmur in my heart

decided to become a whisper,

and the whisper grew to be a wail

until the wail became a very loud moan

the moan reminds me that you are no longer here

the tourniquet has stopped the bleeding ’round my heart

yet has done nothing to remove the memories of you from my

pounding head, so i will write and write another day until

the very loud moan becomes a wail, and the wail

softens into a whisper, and the whisper decides

to become a murmur, then there will be

nothing but silence to remind me

that you are no longer here

Photo by Alec Douglas on Unsplash

let go of ego

10 Replies

this is where i find myself
struggling to embrace
all that is the human experience
i’d soon forget our race
dying to let go of ego,
vying for some balance
finding shelter incognito
in a kind and gentler space
remember who i am,
remember who i’m not
let go of shallow words and gestures
how tiresome are your arrogant thoughts
to live and breathe a life of love
of this i shall pursue
i have no time for human games
i long for a life, a love that’s true

I Hate Everything About You-Live Acoustic, Three Days Grace. An oldie but goodie…my “I don’t give a fuck meter” is at an all time high. Full song lyrics here.

Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

the raven

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my dear friend, the raven,
has a certain kind of MAGICK
dressed in black from head to tail,
has a flair for the dramatic
such a sooty bird is he,
flying fast on graceful wingbeats
watch him dive across the sky
an aerial acrobat and artful spy
fills the blue with an echoing croak
he’s a brilliant trickster under cloak
see him vividly in my dreams,
casting charms as i sleep
bringing change and ancient wisdom
reminds me of all i am to become

a little creek

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there’s a mossy little creek

where i like to sit and think

a shallow slope to mull and dream,

where glossy water babbles midstream

i skip barefoot ‘cross the river stones

earth and fire in my bones,

behold the current gently flow,

carrying my dreams safely home

Photo by Maddox Howe on Unsplash

howl at the moon

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i hear Nature summoning
run wild through the trees,
taste my youth on the tip of my tongue
at home in this body and evening breeze

a midnight stroll through the green,
to exorcise the ache
howling fiercely at the moon
like some secret language

shadow of trees and cloak of leaves
a romance to ever flourish
as though turning the pages of this life,

and

the

windy

path

diverges

Photo by Unsplash in collaboration with Getty Images

bargaining

9 Replies

there’s a little piece of me that dies a little bit
every time i get on the freakin’ 710
my personal hell, running late yet again
mind you, i’m no weakling, ha
but life in the fast lane
makes my heart sink
and as the days grow longer
so do my siiigghhhs…
inhale, exhale like the rolling of the tide
aiming at where i truly wanna be
still so much life to live and see
freer yet than i’ve ever been
still, i’m bargaining for that absolute win
one life to live, i have nothing left to give
sing me a tune, let me savor some magick
to dispel this evil ill and all that feels so damn tragic

Across the Universe, covered by Fiona Apple. How I love Fiona Apple. I thought this song fit the poem, it’s tone, mood, and lyrics. The meaning of “jai guru deva” is literally “glory to the shining remover of darkness.” It reminds to bring into mind a higher consciousness, a connection to my soul, Nature, the earth, and to ground daily in order to get through the days of constantly giving so much of my energy. Sometimes helping is fucking exhausting. Full lyrics here.

Photo by Ciocan Ciprian on Unsplash

shades of gray

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shades of gray
this month of May
when all things are blooming,
sweet buds perfuming
surrounded by shadows and despair
is there something toxic in the air?
pressure to please
like a weighted vest,
faces that bleed,
where is my best?
beyond my reach
dear soul i do beseech
a moment of rest
to find the brightest
star in the sky
to remind me that
there is light
may dawn restore
and once again ignite
starry dreams to be yet cast
a life in full bloom at long last

Sirius, aka the Dog Star, or Sirius A, is the brightest star in our night sky. It means “glowing” in Greek. My closest friends know that I have a special relationship with Sirius. Only a few planets, the full moon, and the International Space Station outshine this groovy star. A companion star, Sirius B, was discovered by astronomers in 1862. The star we can see with the naked eye, though, is Sirius A, otherwise known as just Sirius. How I do wish I had a powerful telescope to look at the night sky.

Photo by Unsplash in collaboration with Allec Gomes

waning gibbous

8 Replies

Good afternoon or evening wherever you may be. We’re heading into a new month very soon. I have some wishes for May that I hope come to pass. We shall see.

I’ve been struggling with hyper-fatigue for the past couple of months. It’s worsened and become more difficult in the last month to do anything other than make it in to work and back home. I boxed yesterday and felt really tired afterward. Usually, boxing energizes me, but yesterday, I needed to take several little breaks during class. I have very stiff, sore muscles today, as it’s been nearly 3 weeks since I last boxed due to fatigue. Stretching is in order, but there is a part of me that wants to do more strenuous exercise, like boxing. I miss it. The weekends are just not long enough for restoration, and most days, I wish I could just stay in bed and do nothing. As such, I haven’t been writing as much as I’d like to. Just no energy to think or for creativity. I’m hoping that by Fall, my schedule has changed so that I’ll have more time away from work, particularly summer, winter, and spring recesses. At times, I feel angry that work takes the better part of my day and energy, and yet one has to make a living. So, I do my best at self-care, although I eat way too much ice cream, lol.

We’re also in the first phase after a Full Moon, the Waning Gibbous phase. The moon’s energy is decreasing, and it’s a good time to focus inward. The waning period is associated with letting go of that which does not serve you, e.g., self-limiting beliefs or fears that are holding you back, changing one’s schedule! There will be a New Moon on May 8th. I love New Moons and like to set new intentions in the hopes that with focus, time, and energy, my intentions have come to fruition by the time the Full Moon arrives, or are at least heading in that direction. I journal my intentions to help me commit and map out necessary steps toward achieving them. A Full Moon arrives every 29.5 days roughly. Our next Full Moon is on May 23rd, and it’s known as the Flower Moon – it coincides with the blooming of many flowers in the northern hemisphere. But first things first – focusing inward and letting go of things that no longer serve. Can you tell that I love talking about the moon? There are some things I’m working on letting go of in order to conserve my energy. Unfortunately, socializing is one of them. So less time with groups of people. Solitude is restorative – another reason I avoided the gym, or perhaps an excuse not to go???

Wherever you are in the world, I’m wishing you a very good and healthful week. Thanks again for following/subscribing to my blog. May you look inward and let go of that which no longer serves 🙂 🌖 🌕 🌔

Photo by Guillermo Ferla on Unsplash

songbird

7 Replies

is the answer no?
how can i change your mind if so?
where is the space to feel again,
fly free, dream,
nevermore penned in
like a caged bird whose wings
have been clipped,
a songbird unable to sing
show me a glimmer
where all is bright and shimmers
where my bones no longer rattle
there are no systems to battle
the kindness of a smile,
a twinkle in the eye
would set the world aright

Songbird, Fleetwood Mac. Do you have a favorite Fleetwood Mac song? I actually didn’t like this song previously, but have grown to love it. The 1977 Live version is even more lovely. I thought the song went well with the tenor of this poem. It’s one of those times in life in which I just have to keep pushing through. It’s not how I wish to live, a temporary hold before there can be light.

Photo by Joshua J. Cotten on Unsplash

beneath the silver disco ball

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strumming on my Taylor
beneath the silver disco ball
putting words to paper
tales of shrooms and alcohol
knowing you knowing me
we made it to the other side
ABBA on old vinyl
it’s been a hella crazy ride
how i pined for what’s his name
i was always cryin’
you said, he’s not worth it, babe
my eyes you took to dryin’
you’re like the king
to my dancing queen
dance the nights away
beneath the silver disco ball
more days to dream and slay!

This poem was written in jest, seriously, except I do have a disco ball hanging from the ceiling in my tiny living room space and a Taylor guitar. And, I do also appreciate my good friends. This is about having that friend you troll around with, the one who always has your back, especially when you’ve had a few too many 😂 Cheers to ABBA and friendship. Take a Chance On Me, by ABBA. Never gets old!

Photo by Harry Grout on Unsplash

toward hope

4 Replies

hit the snooze at half past six
another insane morning
early to bed by nine o’clock
god, i’m so boring
eyes are bleary, body weary
can’t get outta bed
blast some heavy metal,
but still feel like a ton of lead
slingin’ mud,
wade through the muck
movin’ in slow motion,
you’d think i’d have a rhythm down
instead of this commotion
yet, drowning never felt so brutish
am i at my edge?
or being far too shallow
to which shall i allege?
i gather up my strength
defy this bullet to my head
look to my sweet angels above
toward hope may i be led

More by The Warning. Thanks Fox Reviews Rock for introducing me to this great band, a Mexican-born sister trio, and their new album! I dig girl bands, and metal, too ❤ Will be jamming to more of their music. 

Do you ever try singing your poetry? I changed the poem around a bit after singing it so it sounded more metrical or rhythmic. It goes really well with the beat of this song, LOL.

Photo by Aryan Dhiman on Unsplash

dream me a dream

4 Replies

dream me a dream
where peaceful waters flow
wading barefoot through the ripples,
time moving slow

dream me a dream
of misty painted raindrops
leaving stains upon my skin
like white velvet polka dots

dream me a dream
of wind whistling through the pines
the scent of green lingers,
and drowsy clouds sigh

Photo by Meritt Thomas on Unsplash

the weeping willow

4 Replies

listen to the soughing of
the weeping willow tree
bending gently with the wind,
swaying as she pleases

sallow leaves drift elegantly
velvet twigs of green and brown
sweeping always, bending low
to kiss the earthy ground

she stands with pride, fluidity
a brave, bold soul is she
can stand against the strongest wind
yet give pollen to the bees

let us honor her in stillness,
her beauty give us breath
may she dwell beside the mossy pond
her crown to always bloometh

Dance of the North by Joanne Shenandoah, who was of the Oneida Indian Nation. This song was played during a music therapy conference I attended today. It was played in a training using Guided Imagery & Music, a specific type of music therapy. I fell in love with the song, which inspired this poem.

We had a beautiful weeping willow tree in our backyard when I was a kid. I watched it grow until its crown grew to be beautiful and full. It gave me much joy and wonder over the years.

Photo by Fran on Unsplash

jump the highest bridge

2 Replies

my dear,

i would not love you any less

if your life turned out a giant mess

i would take you in my arms

and cover you in kisses,

let the rain pour down

for you, i’ll go the distance

to make you smile for miles and miles,

jump the highest bridge

for you, dear, i am fearless,

and all your doubts are meaningless,

may they float away on the nearest cloud,

for surely you can do without

the vexing chatter in your head

may they be drowned out by the sweet whisper

of promise and my hand upon your heart,

to always protect, to always guard

two imperfect humans on this journey are we,

finding our way through life’s little miseries

striving to be light, fighting to be free

one thing is true and will forever be,

you, my dear, have always

an undying love in me

This poem was inspired by a song, Keep Breathing, by Ingrid Michaelson. I haven’t stopped listening to it since MyGenXerLife posted an article featuring the song. There’s something about the contour of the melody, the lyricism, that catches my breath.

Photo by Sean Pierce on Unsplash

freedom comes at a price

4 Replies

it seems that freedom comes at a price,

a privilege rather than individual right

how i’ve fought for freedom

forever and a day,

free to feel exactly how i say

without restraint, without complaint

from those who judge my particular state

no longer shackled by doubts and fear

i’ve declared this my year

to come home to me

my hopes and dreams shall come to be

never lose myself in another human

or some other dubious, grand illusion

for as surely as trust cost me freedom

i chose a higher path;

i refuse to be beaten

Freedom 90, George Michael. Lyrics here. So much about this video that I love, like how everyone is moving their body, dancing. George Michael was such a great dancer. He’s so into the music. I’m listening to his tunes from the 80s and 90s. Forgotten how good it is. Freedom is precious. I’m grateful everyday to be free and autonomous and hope to never take it for granted.

Photo by Simon Berger on Unsplash

music rocks

6 Replies

Good Sunday to you! No new poem today, well maybe later 🙂 I’ve been in a music therapy conference all day on strengths-based improvisation. The conference is all week – gotta earn those continuing ed credits. It was a blast. I haven’t connected with other music therapists in eons, so although it was virtual, it was a lovely experience to meet with other musicians/music therapists online. We did some improvising on whatever instruments we had on hand. I played my djembe, a couple of frame drums and my new e-piano, which sadly, I don’t play often enough. I feel so lucky to be a musician and to have had the opportunities I’ve had to study music. And I very much love sharing music with others.

Drumming is so near and dear to my heart. I enjoy it almost as much as playing the piano. When I studied piano performance, I was terrible at improvising- literally froze. But when I studied music therapy, I learned that I could improvise (on keyboard mostly), play by ear, and read lead sheets pretty easily after I built some skill. I took drum facilitator trainings through HealthRhythms and am starting a healing drum circles program at work next academic year – was awarded a small grant to buy more drums. All of this to say that I love music so much. I cannot imagine this life without it. There is a song or a piece for nearly every emotion, mood, occasion, event, even if to just dance around to in the privacy of your own space.

It would be a dream to conduct an orchestra. I took conducting in undergrad, but have absolutely no experience, except practicing in class. I remember my professor telling some of us we looked like we were stirring pudding, lol! I especially love watching female conductors because – well, they’re just so badass. There’s a female conductor and violinist, Karina Canellakis, to guest conduct the LA Philharmonic later this month. I’d like to go, but traffic is always such a pain to the Walt Disney Concert Hall. I hate the traffic! One of my favorite female conductors is Mirga Gražinyte-Tyla . We have the same birthday! Another is Elisabeth Fuchs. I linked a YouTube video of Fuchs conducting the Zagreb Philharmonic Orchestra and Choir Zvjezdice. The performance features cello soloist, HAUSER, performing Benedictus from The Armed Man: A Mass for Peace by Karl Jenkins (Hendon Music Inc BMI) at his classical solo concert, which was held at Lisinski Concert Hall in Zagreb (October 2017). I literally cried the first time I heard this piece, it’s so beautiful. I hope you give it a listen and enjoy it.

This is also Coachella week, so been tuning into YouTube Coachella 2024 Live! Loved The Last Dinner Party and Bleachers last night. Cheers to music and more of it! Thanks for reading this little blurb about my deep love of music.

Hauser performing Benedictus from The Armed Man: A Mass for Peace, Karl Jenkins. Conductor, Elisabeth Fuchs. Lyrics here.

Photo by Andrea Zanenga on Unsplash

a fireside lullaby

4 Replies

sing to me a lullaby

of peace and joy and loves gone by

take my hand and let’s get high

on fragrant blooms, the midnight sky

dance with the wind to our hearts content

at home with the redwoods, my dearest friends

nature beckons promising solace

for she is divine and perfectly flawless

want to be like the angels as i journey forth

seeking truth, giving love,

wings to fly evermore North

The Rising, Essie Jain. A beautiful, poetic piece. 

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

grace, a beat and a song

2 Replies

thought i saw you
on the metro this morning
flooded by flashbacks
that came without warning

felt your hand
on the small of my back
as though someone hit replay
on that old, weary soundtrack

for a moment in time
wearing rose colored glasses
now nothing left between us
except dust and ashes

i miss you, it’s true
can’t stand to say it
took a piece of my heart,
love, it’s so overrated

starting to question,
does it even exist,
or is it merely
some ill-gotten, fragmented myth?

i shall raise a glass
to solace in solitude
let me bathe in the sun,
the earth, stars, and moon

for that is where i find
my heart rightly belongs
abounding in grace,
a beat and a song

Not Strong Enough, boygenius. Lyrics here. It’s threatening rain in LA. Just waiting for the downpour any minute. Good morning to write about shitty feelings. I revised this poem so many times. Words have a mind and will of their own.

Photo by Eugene Chystiakov on Unsplash

rise to the moon

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time, friend or foe?

i most certainly do not know,

except it is fleeting;

is it cheating me?

lest i be the consummate late bloomer,

late to the game and no sooner

did time pass like a flash

of lightning in the sky

terribly frightening,

i’m second to last

dying to my past

and grieving what i missed,

falling behind as though misaligned

if only i knew how to stop

time from slipping away

shall i make the most of every day

within the walls of this present life?

rise to the moon,

and soon, very soon

i’ll catch a dream,

perhaps even in you

down a crooked path i went

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when i think of time gone by,
all the things i’ve missed
hopes and dreams
and visions,
the love that i so wished
would somehow save me from myself,
take away the ache
yet down a crooked path i went,
at times I thought i’d break
should have listened to my gut
oh so young and trusting
learned the hard way, cut by cut
that i’d be left with nothing
sold my soul to lies, got lost
still, in the end was found
my soul emerged, sought the light
turns out light would win
and here am i on a new path
paved with life’s experiences
though not what i set out for,
it’s made all the difference

It’s All Happening Now, BAERD. Full lyrics here. Life really is all happening now, around me everywhere. So many changes in the past several months. I’m not sure when I’ll land…

Photo by Levi Bare on Unsplash

total eclipse of the sun

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the moon decided to eclipse today
the fair sun along its merry way
between the earth and brightest star
a path predestined from afar
a phenomenal sight to behold
another not to occur for years, I’m told
though not on the path of totality
awed nonetheless by our Celestial Galaxy
a time to awaken, heal and expand
set your intentions, expect the grand
life is too short, we have only today
live with intention, live to play
for work is a necessity, will always be there
but a life well lived, truly one cannot spare

All right, so this is not the best poem, but i felt moved to honor the solar eclipse today. And, I wrote it during my lunch break, lol. I went for a walk at 11:11am, the peak of the eclipse in my area, and there was a couple sitting on the curb, trying to catch a glimpse of the eclipse with a metal strainer. They were talking with a stranger, who just so happened to have eclipse glasses. He let each of us borrow them. I saw the eclipse, and it was the coolest thing ever! I’ve never seen any eclipse in real time, and this will probably be the only solar eclipse I see in my lifetime, as the next one won’t occur until 2044 or 2045. So it was really special! Cheers! I hope you were able to enjoy the solar eclipse.

Photo by Unsplash in collaboration with Alex Shuper

lay down your armour

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what i wouldn’t give
for a moment with you again
go back in time,
to a time back when
life was nothing more than innocence
long before i learned to abandon penitence
blowing dandelions in a single breath
watching clouds drift by as the sun set
wanted nothing more than
to chase butterflies
through roaming fields of clover
under baby blue skies
i would tell you i love you just as you are
let your light shine like the North Star
lay down your armour,
for the battle you’ve won
there is nothing more for you to overcome
you feel now like your light is dimming,
a longing fulfilled seems endlessly missing
look to your soul, it yet knows
there light and love
will most assuredly surface

A love note to my inner child. 

Photo by Victoria Medvedeva on Unsplash

love you for all eternity

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how can i be more for you,
calm all of your fears?
i long so desperately
to wipe away all your tears
you left in the dark,
a whirl of emotion
i felt it immediately,
though no words were spoken
want nothing more than
you to feel free
for the world
to see your authenticity
your beautiful soul, may it take flight
may the burdens you carry
disappear into night
may you feel the depth of my love,
despite my mistakes
may you always remember I’m here
when your heart breaks
bound by soul and maternally
i will love you here and for all eternity

Make You Feel My Love by the one and only Adele. I’m not a huge fan of Adele or pop, though she is certainly a diva. I do love this song, however, and feel it so deeply. This poem was written for my daughter. If we only had a magic wand to make things better.

Photo by J W on Unsplash

forever shimmering

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may my heart always be open
no matter how broken
sail through to the light
on the other side
may i be like the tides
take each challenge in stride
ebb and flow to the beat of my own drum
when i feel like i’m failing
bad decisions i’m making
may i be determined to fight, not flee
despite feeling cheated
occasionally defeated
there’s a fire inside,
a courage that guides
when hope seems to have disappeared
may i be like the ocean
though perpetually in motion
forever shimmering reflectively

Photo by Rafael Garcin on Unsplash