Hi out there. Hope this post finds you well. I’m enjoying a day off of work, as I celebrated Samhain with a friend last nite. We honored our ancestors, practiced some divination, had some drinks. It was a fun, magickal evening.
I recently connected with a shaman who I’ll begin working with soon. She spoke of a strong ancestral presence upon our first conversation. I was never interested in my ancestry until I found my adoption contract, hidden in my adoptive parents’ attic for who knows how long. It found its way to me immediately following my adoptive mother’s funeral, as though my mom was saying, “I want you to have this now.” The contract revealed things my adoptive parents hid from me and likely falsified. So many things were untrue. My adoptive mom made sure that all ties to my birth country were severed. On the rare occasion that I brought up questions, she became weirdly paranoid, asking who put me up to asking such questions. I didn’t pursue it. It’s been 12 years since I visited the country of my birth, Taiwan. I’ve wanted to return but life happens and so many things have gotten in the way. My hope is to return sometime next year. And I hope that in working with this shaman, I’ll connect with my birth mother and perhaps other ancestors.
I haven’t written any poems lately. We’re so fatigued at work from a very busy fall semester and previously, a not so slow summer. Fatigue has a way of crushing creativity. I’m glad to know it’s not just me but my colleagues also feel it, the burnout. Secondly, I go back and read some of my poems and think, this is such shitty poetry. What possessed me to write poems? On the other hand, it was therapeutic while I went through a divorce. Freedom. It feels good. Yet there are some days when the loss comes up so strong it literally catches my breath, and I cannot believe where I am, how I made it out, what I’m doing. It’s not so much the loss of a marriage but what I left behind…my dog, my piano, my music books, the little nest I built that was home, etc (I will retrieve those things when I have a permanent place). Even the dissolution of the most toxic marriage is felt as a loss. I don’t know how else to explain it. I have felt the gamut of emotion, sadness, anger, anxiety, worry, hopelessness, uncertainty. At times, I sometimes still feel transient, displaced. No one would know that I’m grieving. I come across like I have my shit together (most days). And on we go.
Samhain lasts till sundown this evening; the veil between this world and the “Otherworld” remains thinnest. So maybe some spellwork today and divination. Certainly, pondering my ancestral roots, the birth parents I never knew and honoring my birth mother in particular. Wishing you all a very blessed day. I thank you for stopping by and hope to catch up on reading your posts soon. May you enjoy the turning of the season!
With You by Kalandra. To my soulmate wherever you may be…Honestly, we have multiple soulmates, but this song is so beautiful I’m sending it out…lolol…And I’m currently obsessed with this band.
Photo by Daizy Isumi on Unsplash
Musings of a Taiwanese American Adoptee 
Hi Moongirl, good to connect here. Samhain is over now as we head towards the Winter Solstice and the new light of 2025! I’m not an expert on pagan matters but I do follow the seasons in my posts! By the way, you have me hooked on Kalandra! Thank you. 🤗🌹🙋♂️
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Hi! Thanks for connecting. I look forward to the Winter Solstice and Yule! One of my favorite times of the year. And yes to the light of 2025!. I will follow your posts. I love the Wheel of the Year, and I’m so glad you like Kalandra 🙂
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I’m glad you’re finding ways to connect with your ancestors. This was an eventful and exhausting Samhain season for me, too. I have been enacting that old human story of leaving home in order to find it (perhaps that’s a little of your story as well?), and on 10/31 I drove away from the place of my exile and arrived back home after a fraught 7-year odyssey. We are getting settled into our new digs finally. Elation barely describes the feeling. I’ll slowly start wading back into reading everyone’s posts here. I couldn’t resist seeing what you were up to while I was moving! 🙂 ❤️ (I can see why you’re obsessed with Kalandra — what a beautiful song! Hymnody at its best.)
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Sorry, I’m just now getting back. I love how you said “enacting that old human story of leaving home in order to find it.” Yes, I very much resonate with that. I don’t believe I’ve found “home” yet. Ugh. the story continues. I appreciate the home I’m in now and feel very much that we have finally connected, yet I do not like the neighborhood. So when my lease if up, onward I will go…I’m so glad you’re getting settled in your new digs. Wow, 7 years is a long time. I get it though. Seems like home takes a long time to find. Wishing you lots of happy moments and peace as you settle into your new place.
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Poetry is incredibly therapeutic. I hope you continue writing poetry. I enjoy reading it
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Thank you ☺️ I appreciate it.
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i hope that you enjoy your samhain celebration and that your meetings with the shaman go well. i tend to gravitate towards the thinking that we have to establish some type of supernatural link with our ancestors – there’s an importance to it that I can’t clearly articulate but it’s there and it’s a strong feeling. in that spirit, I hope that you can forge a deeper sense of connection with your biological family.
being unexpectedly busy is a killer so any off day is precious. i hope that, as this semester winds down for you, you’ll have a chance to get a rest and a reset. I’m sure it’ll help with letting your thoughts run their course offering new perspectives. and, of course, hoping that you’ve settled into the new place. Mike
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Thank you Mike. I appreciate your words of encouragement. I’m sensing that link more strongly. And I’ve settled into the new home but I’m still not too fond of the neighborhood. I’ll likely move again when the lease is up and will start looking much sooner when it’s time!
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oh, ok. sorry the neighborhood isn’t working out. i hope you find another place in the meantime soon and maybe can set up there as the end of your lease ticks closer. sending timely luck vibes your way!
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The poems you are unsatisfied with may just be unfinished. Revisit them.
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Thank you for that 🙏
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Hi MJ! nice to see that you posted. i’ll post a comment after i wrap up this work week 🙂 Mike
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