It’s been an interesting week. I’ve been quietly building my sound therapy and psychotherapy practices while planning for events later this month and into September. On Monday, I met with a new client. As I settled into the session, something felt different. The office, though aesthetically beautiful, is shared with other practitioners and didn’t quite feel like mine. The familiar structure I’d become accustomed to was gone. I was left with an unsettling sense that something was missing. Perhaps it was a version of myself that is still shedding.
Despite the excitement of building something brand new and connecting with a new collective of practitioners, I’ve found myself feeling lonely. Perhaps it’s the strange paradox of being someone who deeply values solitude while still longing for connection. Maybe this is an invitation to open myself up to different kinds of connection. It’s curious how you can be surrounded by people, immersed in relationships, and still feel profoundly disconnected. It’s like being an outsider within. I’ve known that feeling since childhood and spent much of my life overcompensating for it. Now that I’m older, I don’t care so much about being the social butterfly. Still, there’s something deeply human about wanting to feel connected.
What I’m learning in this season of transition is that I do my best work in solitude, and music appears to be my muse. Oddly enough, it has taken me this long to realize that listening to music is what awakens my own creativity. There are a few songs I’ve been living inside this week. I’m realizing that creativity energizes me. It’s like air. Without it, I shrink.
A couple of songs that have inspired me are Wolf Alice’s new cover of Hammond Song and Visions Of A Life from their 2017 album of the same name. On Hammond Song, guest vocalists Julia Cumming of Sunflower Bean and Canadian singer-songwriter, Bria Salmena, join lead vocalist Ellie Rowsell. OMG, why have I never heard of Wolf Alice until now? The rawness and expansiveness of their sound immediately drew me in on my first listen of Hammond Song, This led me to revisit The Roches’ original version and the albums and songs I grew to love in the 90’s.
I love the way that Wolf Alice moves between intensity and vulnerability, from the ferocity of their punk and grunge to dream pop and folk songs that feel vulnerable and transportive. Visions Of A Life in particular struck a chord deep within. There’s a sharp edge to it that feels chaotic and alive. It reminds me that creativity is not always a quiet, gentle process. Sometimes it comes crashing in with grit, noise, and a bit of chaos.
I’ve also revisited Kalandra’s album, Mørketid. The first song, Mitt Hjerte Alltid Vanker, feels so austere, mysterious, evocative, and bold. I learned that the song is based on a Scandanavian Yule hymn. The artists reshaped the traditional song by rooting the lyrics deeply in seasonal nature and childhood memories. It evokes feelings of winter longing and the quiet nature of the darker months.
Perhaps that is why I’m so drawn to the song. I prefer Fall and Winter and seem to come alive during these seasons, as though I’m emerging from my own kind of hibernation. The song takes me to a place of reverence and vulnerability where I find myself confronting my shadow. We all have one, yet often suppress the parts of ourselves that feel uncomfortable or difficult to embrace. My fears, my old wounds, my hidden impulses are there, asking not to be rejected, but witnessed.
I recently read that light cannot exist without shadow, and shadow cannot exist without light. I’m learning that their is beauty in shadow, too, not just the light. Shadow makes me braver, more resilient, more confident. There is beauty in that even when the process is painful.
I love that music makes me feel so much, that it awakens something in me. Sometimes it guides me toward pain and shadow; other times toward immense joy and light. Music has a way of harmonizing all these parts of me, a reminder that both can coexist. Most of all, I surrender. In a world that can often feel isolating, I am held by something larger than myself. And somehow, I find my way forward.
Visions Of A Life by Wolf Alice. Live version, 2018. Epic 🤘 Lyrics here.
Mitt Hjerte Alltid Vanker by Kalandra, lyrics included 🖤 The ending of the song is especially beautiful.
Musings of a Taiwanese American Adoptee 