Author Archives: Moongirl

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About Moongirl

I'm a Taiwanese American adoptee, witch, writer, musician, artist, and animal lover.

Embracing Slow Living: A Spring Break Reflection

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Hi ya’ll. Haven’t visited WP in quite some time. I’m reveling in the quiet meanderings of spring break. Yes, it finally arrived, and not a minute too soon. My pup, Poppie, is visiting till Friday. She is the best-est companion, happy little sassy soul. To savor slow living is truly the greatest gift of all.

During my morning meditation and reading, the Opulent card came forward (Magick of You Oracle). There are times when I draw a card that simply doesn’t resonate as much as the others in a reading, appears the opposite of what I’m thinking and feeling, and likely for good reason! Here is the insight offered in the guidebook:

There is great wisdom in going with life’s flow and choosing battles, conflicts and accepting change wisely and peacefully. There is also a time to assert your authority and trust your wisdom and leadership skills. People and situations are now looking to you for guidance. Wear your success and assets proudly – they are well earned. It’s time to be a light so that others may follow.

The girl of Opulence wears the lavish golden crown of leadership. It emits a radiant glow and signifies spiritual enlightenment as well as earthly accomplishment. Being in an exalted position gives you the opportunity to be a wise leader and help others, much like happiness is only real when shared, and being exalted only meaningful when it helps others.

I’m not a leader of anything, except that of my own life. Wear your success and assets proudly – they were well earned, resounds. What I’ve accomplished over the past three years has been no small feat. “Being in an exalted position” speaks to me of privilege. Using my position of privilege means helping others. Since childhood, I’ve felt a deep call to help others. I didn’t know then what I know now, however, that helping others comes at a cost – that of your own health and wellbeing if not tended to properly.

There is a ritual included with each oracle card, and this one is: The Light of Leadership. It calls the querent to write a list of their personally perceived best assets and accomplishments, then ask someone who knows you well what they think your best assets and accomplishements are. Finally, the querent is called to ask a stranger what they perceive might be useful and advantageous to you. So, I ask, dear reader, if you might be so inclined to send what you perceive might be useful and advantageous to me. I would sincerely appreciate it. No inappropriate comments please, as they will be promptly removed. This is the initial part of the ritual.

Here is what I came up with regarding my list of personally perceived assets and accomplishments:

  • Wisdom
  • Kindness
  • Compassion
  • Musical ability
  • Resilience
  • Strong intuition
  • Achieved LCSW | earned somatic sound practitioner certification (ugh another certification)
  • Wrote a book
  • Divorce
  • Independence and freedom
  • Confidence
  • Motherhood

The purpose of the ritual is to shine your light into dark places where needed. Subsequently, an opportunity to allow yourself to shine may appear in which you can be of help to others. Whether you believe in magic or not, it’s a fun little ritual that can only bring more light into the world.

Perhaps the call to assert your leadership skills as indicated in the meaning of this card symbolizes the need to be the leader of my own life, to claim my personal soverignty and power. After all, I am finally free, well mostly free. It took forever to get here, and I must carry on.

FYI, oracle cards are highly subjective and intuitive. They do not predict the future, but encourage self-reflection and honesty with oneself.

Cheers!

Glorious Music

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Have you ever been so moved by a piece of music that you cry? I have. I do.

For days, I’ve felt drawn to listen to Max Richter’s, On the Nature of Light. Are you familiar with it? It’s easily one of my favorite contemporary classical pieces of music. I love all of Max Richter’s works Too busy to tune in earlier, as I wanted to give the music my full attention, I found the quiet of this morning the perfect time. I sat with headphones on, hands crossed over my heart, and let the music hold space. I literally shed tears, so captured was I. I felt so many different emotions simultaneously. In my journal I made a list: ecstasy, sorrow, despair, sadness, transcendence, love, intimacy, desire, longing, yearning, hope, sublime, magick, forgiveness, tenderness, tolerance, caress, breath, movement, darkness, light, breathlessness, expression, expansion, transformation, warmth, belief, faith, embrace, connection, self-love, heart, grief, loss, glimmer, truth…And yet words are truly insufficient to describe this kind of magic. I had this piece on repeat as I flowed through my morning tarot read. The first card, Art (Temperance in RWS system) – Making anything you do a work of art; friendship between mind and heart; rest and activity; light and dark; self and others; taking a creative or aesthetic approach, viewing the situation with an artistic eye.

Music saves again and again. My first love, likely my last! I recall playing the piano for hours, eyes closed, in a tiny practice room at Centenary College. Just me and Beethoven or Chopin, or Mozart. No fear or judgment. No pressure to please an audience or play perfectly. Connection to the keyboard, sound, frequency, vibration. It was sublime. In today’s heavy, heavy world, music is the only perfection, always a safe connection.

I stumbled upon an artist new to me, Yannic Lowack. The piece featured below is called Leuer, another work that brings me to tears. He posted a small sample of an orchestral version, no piano, on his Instagram – you can find him on YouTube and IG.

I hear the piano calling to me, calling me back to who I was, a musician and lover of the expressive arts. I’ve been away far too long.

things inspiring me at the turn of a new year

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The turning of a new year feels like a threshold. A liminal space where the old hasn’t fully released and the new is still forming. I’m approaching this year with reverence and a willingness to listen.

I’m inspired by emptiness and pause, by moving slowly enough to feel my breath, my body, and the subtle ways intuition speaks. Though I’m nearly 60, this season is teaching me that becoming is a spiritual process, not something to force, but something to tend. I often feel like I’m learning things I wish I’d practiced in my 40s.

Music, art, and tarot are my spiritual anchors. Music connects me to vibration and frequency, but also to younger years, to innocence and curiosity, adventure and fearlessness. Music brings me back into rhythm when I feel scattered, and art is a devotional practice, a way of communing with the divine through color, texture, and movement. It allows emotion to alchemize into meaning without needing explanation.

Tarot is my sacred mirror. Not a tool for prediction, but a language of images and symbols that invite dialogue with my soul. Each card is an invitation to slow down, to notice what is stirring beneath the surface, and to trust my inner wisdom over all the external noise.

My rituals tend to be simple yet intentional. Making my morning cup of coffee. Lighting a candle before I begin. Playing music with awareness. Creating without an outcome in mind. Pulling a card and sitting with its message as a form of prayer. These practices ground me in the present moment and remind me that spirituality lives in attention, not performance, and for one who has struggled with crippling performance anxiety, it is an invitation to let go.

This year, I’m choosing devotion over productivity, alignment over striving. I’m honoring rest as sacred and simplicity as a form of truth. I’m learning to recognize the divine in ordinary moments: A familiar melody, light through my window, the quiet companionship of my beloved pup.

As I step into this new year, I am trying my best to do so with soft faith. Trusting timing, the unseen, and allowing life to unfold as it will. Let me be guided by sound, symbol, and creative spirit, for they are truly the languages through which my soul remembers what it already knows.

Down memory lane. Oh, how I loved classic rock growing up. This playlist stirs up cherished memories, a sense of innocence and curiosity, and the wild, adventurous spirit of those years.

 

on the eve of

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This morning, I journaled about how difficult this past year has been. So much anger, resentment, fatigue, and disappointment. Two years post-divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage, the lingering challenges can feel overwhelming on some days. My own self-limiting beliefs and negativity don’t help. They tend to feed a sense of disillusionment that can be hard to escape.

And yet, I keep going, must keep going. In the process, I sometimes lose sight of all I have actually accomplished over these past two years, even as the work of grieving continues.

On a brighter note, winter break has offered moments of creativity and rest. I’ve been collaging and recently had a photo shoot for my new website. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t thrilled with how I looked, but the camera captures what it captures. Aging is inevitable, and some days that truth lands more heavily than others.

The shoot itself was no small feat. It was cold and windy, and hauling my Tibetan and crystal singing bowls through beach sand took more energy than I had to spare. I left some instruments and props in the car simply because I didn’t have it in me to carry more. The photos will do for now. Perhaps I’ll try again in the spring, somewhere other than the beach! Still, the sunset was beautiful, despite my whining.

As we step into a new year, I wish you joy, good health, abundance, and new adventures. May your days be brighter, your nights calmer, and your moments sweeter in 2026. I enter this next chapter grateful for endings and new beginnings, carrying a quiet sense of adventure yet fear of the unknown.

a gentle life

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I want a slow, simple, peaceful life,
one that doesn’t ask me to live on edge,
one that doesn’t grind my bones to dust
just to pay the goddamn rent.

A life where enough is enough,
where healing is a calling
that feeds me too,
not just everyone else.

I want mornings that open softly,
light pouring in without alarms,
hands in fur and feathers,
the quiet language of animals
teaching me how to breathe again.

I don’t want castles.
I don’t want keys to forever.
I don’t even care about a home.
Just a place where love is close,
where the ones I need
are within reach of my voice.

Why is that so goddamn hard?
Why does something so small
feel near impossible,
like asking the world to stop spinning
for one gentle hour?

And still, inside this tired chest,
there lives a stubborn spark
that keeps whispering,
there has to be more than this,
there has to be a slower way to live.

So I hold that whisper
like a candle in the dark
and dream of a life
that doesn’t hurt to wake up to.

Photo by Toni Reed on Unsplash

Honor Rest & Renewal on Samhain

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Today, I pause. I breathe. I rest and honor my ancestors on this blessed Samhain.

I’m grateful to have the day off – to simply be. To sit in stillness and solitude without the weight of expectation feels like a blessing in itself. The veil is thin today, and I lean into the presence of those who came before me – my birth mother and father, and the lineage of ancestors whose names I may never know. I honor them, and I honor the mystery that connects us across time and space.

Lately, life has felt full and demanding. I’m working full-time again, and though I hoped summer break would bring the restoration I so deeply needed, fatigue seems to have returned too soon. Halfway through the fall semester, I find myself wondering how to sustain balance – how to counsel others, meet the demands of my current job while not forgetting myself.

My dream remains clear: To eventually transition into full-time sound therapy work. Supporting my adult daughter these past two years has delayed that shift, yet I hold faith that in time, things will align. When she finds her footing, I’ll be able to step more fully into the work my heart longs for, creating healing spaces through resonance, stillness, and sound.

Despite the challenges, I’m proud of the small steps forward. I’ve completed my website, OM Sacred Sound Journeys, a milestone that feels like planting a tiny seed. Beginning next February, I’ll offer bi-weekly sound therapy sessions, a sacred rhythm I hope will grow into something sustainable and nourishing. 

I’m reconnecting with my musical roots, singing and playing for a herd I once worked with in equine-assisted psychotherapy and slowly returning to my guitar after years away. These small acts of reconnection remind me that healing unfolds gradually, as does starting a private practice.

Self-employment feels both thrilling and terrifying. The freedom to follow my calling is overshadowed by the very real worries of bills, rent, health insurance, and all the practicalities of life. Yet amidst uncertainty, I sense that this path is where I’m meant to go.

So today, under the quiet light of Samhain, I choose rest. I choose reflection. I choose to listen deeply to the whispers of my ancestors, to the call of my own heart, and to stillness. May this season bring renewal, remembrance, and faith in what is yet to come.

Photo by Catherine Crawford on Unsplash

Dark Moon

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Hello World! Wow, it’s been a minute since I last visited WordPress. It is the eve of Mabon and the Autumn Equinox – if you live in the Northern hemsphere – and  Ostara and the Spring Equinox – if you live in the Southern hemisphere. I will be observing Mabon bright and early first thing tomorrow morning before work…sigh…with a group of other like-minded and spirited individuals. It is also a dark moon or new moon, my favorite.

I am not a morning person, well, more accurately, I’m a slowwwww morning person and hate rushing. I am not a fan of the 8am-5pm work-life schedule of which I am now bound, against the clock at every damn minute of the day. Who’s idea was that anyway? I’m dreaming of cutting that cord, but the day has not yet arrived.

And so the wheel of the year continues…one cycle ends making space for a new one. What lessons have I learned? What paths have I traversed? Hmm…Life has been one continuous wheel of never-ending “tower moments” for the past two and a half years. I hope something more peace loving and soul aligned arrives soon. 

Things that keep me grounded during tower moments include art and spirituality. Collaging has become a beloved outlet, a wide open space to tap into creative expression. It’s such a satisfying artistic art form. I love designing a collage, selecting the photos, pictures, etc, to create a narrative. Maybe I’m the only one who gets it, but who cares! My spiritual practice has taken a nose dive now that I’m back at work. But little moments here and there are better than none at all.

I hope to travel to Taiwan over the winter break in January to visit my birthfamily. My eldest sister has already reserved a hotel. It’s been 13 years since I last saw my birthfamily. I never intended to wait such a long time to revisit. We are much older, and good health is not guaranteed to any of us. I truly hope I will have the energy to be present with my family, not some shell of myself. This academic year, I vowed not to get to the level of burnout I experienced last year. Steps to protect my energy are always at the forefront of my mind. 

In the meantime, welcome Autumn! I look forward to cooler days, to pumpkin pie, and the holiday season. Oh, and to slowing down, of course. Autumn is my favorite time of the year! I do love it so. Hoping you are all safe and well wherever you are. May cooler weather bring a welcome change of pace into your life!

Feature Photo by Šimom Caban on Unsplash

Photo Gallery: Collages by moi!

Lotus Summer

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Greetings! I’m enjoying the last few days of summer before I head back to work. Tomorrow. I must say, I look forward to Fall and the change of season. Mabon falls on September 22nd, which gives me something to look forward to. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, summer has been immensely restorative; I’ll refer to it as Lotus Summer. Lotus flowers are deeply symbolic in many cultures. Lotuses grow in murky, shallow waters. They rise from the mud without stain, and are therefore viewed as a symbol of purity. Because they return to the water in the evening and open their blooms at the break of day, lotuses represent strength, resilience, and rebirth, as well as transcendence: The lotus symbolizes the human spirit transcending over worldly matter since it blooms from the underworld into the light. I feel, in many ways, like the Lotus.

It’s been a summer of exploring themes around death and rebirth, cycles, beginnings and endings, blooming, rising up from the mud. When last semester ended, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. It dawned on me recently how little I accounted for the impact of divorce on my wellbeing. I was functioning on adrenaline those first several months of the divorce proceedings. And when it wore off, I plummeted. I’ve discovered that there’s much literature on the impact of divorce on individuals, how it affects their work lives, relationships, and emotional and physical health. I grossly underestimated my ability to manage work, the loss of my dog and support of my daughter, financial instability, three moves, starting over. I thought I was stronger, better, more capable, more confident. But I sank, and I’m usually a stronger swimmer than that.

It’s now late summer – Rebirth. I am standing, not sinking. The divorce no longer feels like a black hole. There are moments of deep sadness and grief. I’m not sure one ever gets over it completely. That’s just me. A friend of mine, a psychotherapist who divorced years ago, told me to expect a three-year-mucking-through-shit; my sound healing mentor, also divorced, said give it five. I rolled my eyes. How little did I know. It’s year two.

I read recently,

The lessons we learn along our journey and the pains that come along with them are but stages on the wheel of regeneration.

Death Doula Oracle – author & photographer – Theodore Saint & Chris Williams

Indeed. So much gratitude for the time off to recover, to regenerate. Solitude and rest were the medicine, and making the request to change my 12-month contract to academic year may have saved my life. I have spent everyday this summer writing and recently took to collaging my journals. Can’t wait to collage my next. Also into drawing dragons of late. Interestingly, I barely listened to any music; much more preferred silence. The only other time I could not bear to listen to music was after the death of my first dachshund, Peppermint. I’m slowly weaving my way back to some favorite artists and bands from the 80s – that era holds a certain nostalgia in my heart that’s quite comforting. And, I miss my younger self. I’ve shared a few moments of summer inspiration here.

And, on I go. Wishing you all a beautiful day. Stop and marvel at the tiny things that bring you joy and pleasure. May you tend to the soil of YOU!

-Photos above were taken at Laguna Beach, CA, by moi on a venture with a friend.

-Yummy matcha coffee & garden pics taken at Anima Mundi Apothecary in Venice, CA.

-My collaged journal-Summer theme: Death/rebirth/exploring the shadows within.

-Little dragon ouroboros drawing-not yet finished, but I’ll eventually get to it.

-Purchase the Death Doula Oracle cards here. They’re powerful cards for working with themes around transition, transformation, death, endings and are absolutely gorgeous.

Feature Photo by Kristijan Arsov on Unsplash

Summering

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Four more weeks of summering. I’ve been preoccupied with the impending return to work and have to remind myself to be here now, enjoy the time I have left on break. Still time to relax and explore. Such a sharp contrast from the previous months.

Orchid Quartet

I went to a Candlelight Concert on The Queen Mary the other night. I’m so glad I did! Female group, Orchid Quartet, performed Metallica. There were some diehard Metallica fans hooping and hollering throughout the concert. I love Metallica too and had a front row seat! It was an intimate, cozy event. I felt called to return to my musical roots. Music, my first love. Probably my last! I regret selling my digital piano, but there is truly no room in my tiny space for something that large. I’ll have to settle for picking up my guitar and ukulele. I’m always on the hunt for new music and inspiring artists.

We were permitted to videorecord the last two numbers. Pieces performed included many of Metallica’s greatest hits, including Enter Sandman, Nothing Else Matters, and Master of Puppets. And they did a lovely cover of Whiskey in the Jar. I liked how the quartet were so interactive with the audience. It was all great fun. I uploaded the video I took of Nothing Else Matters below. It was so much better live, of course. Hope to see more of Orchid Quartet in the future and attend more Candlelight Concerts! I got a groovy t-shirt to support Orchid Quartet and remember what a fun time I had. Enjoy!

Soul Aligned

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Good day, one and all! I hope you’re enjoying the summer days. I’m grateful that the weather continues to be mild here. The pink and purple twilights are magical. What I love most about this summer break from university is the freedom in which I can move and breathe at my own pace. Ahhhh, slow, meditative mornings with my cup of coffee. Movies in the evenings. Solitude and ritual. It’s been rejuvenating.

I am in the process of building a sound therapy practice. Starting a new practice is quite scary. I had a private practice for two years, and I know how hard it is to grow a business and make it thrive. I’ve been a board-certified music therapist since 2009 and recently began training in sound therapy utilizing singing bowls and other resonant instruments, chanting, researching the science behind sound medicine. I facilitated some sound therapy groups last semester at the university as well as a number of small drum circles. 

My primary instrument is piano. I studied piano performance in undergrad then years later learned guitar and drumming while studying music therapy, a requirement to obtain certification. I sing, though it’s not my strong suit. I trained in group drum circle facilitation years ago, fell in love with the drum. I miss my piano and playing dearly. Music is clearly my medicine. Interestingly, I have listened to less music than ever before. Silence is like a balm.

The birth of a sound therapy practice is slow work. My hope is to help people along their spiritual and wellness journey, to enhance, to restore, to create an opening for self-discovery and increased spirituality. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

Photo by petr sidorov on Unsplash

The Magick of Slowness

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Hey out there! Hope you’re having a swell summer. The temperature here is not yet sweltering, so I’m enjoying windows open daily. I’ve been on summer break just over a month – it has been glorious. There is a magick in this liminal space, the in-between semesters, that has brought healing and restoration. I am no longer who I was, yet I am not quite who I am to be. Last year was tough, maybe one of the toughest I’ve ever experienced, but it had its life lessons, and I am taking them to heart.

I’ve been savoring slow mornings, slowing down in general. It’s lovely to leisurely sip my morning coffee without rushing. I have not missed disconnecting from others one bit. Journaling, personal study, spirituality have all been life saving. But mostly the magick of slowing down, sweet silence, the echo of presence, noticing each breath have led to divine surrender, wisdom, and liberation. 

Summer break will come to an end, and I will return to work mid-August. The test of wisdom will come in finding divine balance, countering stress and the pace of work with a solid inner spiritual foundation, finding the power within to face each and every challenge. There is this – I have the rest of the month to indulge in solitude and cultivate my inner divine badass.

The video below is of female French trio, Les Itinérantes. I adore them and recently discovered their music. I find this song, Sahèl, to be quite powerful.

“Sahèl” is a composition in Eldali (a language invented by Elodie, one of the vocalists) that invites you to reconnect with “the source,” to rediscover meaning and roots through a connection with the living, the pursuit of authenticity, and the recollection of ancient memories.

“Sahèl anouvel iè,
Vènia assoulèkh na
Sahèl anoukrie biè,
Chakh liè bioun èlia”

The source is calling for you over there
Approach, let yourself be guided
The source roars below
Join its flow if you dare.

Rage

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color of rage

I have been hermit-ing this summer – doing some shadow work and exploring anger and rage. In the past, I was not very easily anger; however, I’ve noticed that I’ve become quick to anger and irritibility these days.

I was raised in a home where emotions were not expressed. I have a difficult relationship with my adoptive mother. She was emotionally dysregulated frequently in the home, exploded into rage and anger at the drop of a hat. No one would have known outside of immediate family. I grew up fearful of her and her erratic moods. My adoptive father and I tended to walk on eggshells. I received the brunt of her anger; dad was runner up. My adolescent years were the most turbulent in the home. My mom became physically aggressive during that period. Anger felt foreign in the past. Now, it’s familiar. I excused others’ anger toward me for a greater part of my life. Now I am the angry one.

I found some old, angry artwork that I painted years ago, probably after an argument. And the poem above was written more recently. To craft a sacred alter to rage, anger. This, too, along my spiritual journey, to explore blocks, emotional truth, blindspots. To evolve and heal. I am finding support through the Kali Oracle deck by Alaina Fairchild, illustrated by Jimmy Manton. She is simply fierce, and her spirit is inspiring.

A Home Blessing

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For alter, home, or sacred space.
Cast a circle if that is part of your practice.

By sacred breath and will divine
I cast this circle, draw the line
Here I am safe, here I am found–
Within these walls, now hallowed ground.

May love take root and passion flame,
Magick rise and speak its name.
Let humor dance through every room,
To lift the heart and chase the gloom.

Live well, my dear, within this space,
A haven forged in time and grace.
Where dreams take wing and hope may rest,
A sacred hearth where all feels blessed.

From shadow’s grip, the past released,
Old fears unbound, their hold now ceased.
New seeds are sown in fertile soul,
To bloom in light, to make me whole.

With every breath, let blessings flow,
As peace and solitude softly grow.
So may it be–by flame and sea,
By sky, by stone, by will in me.
✨ It is done. It is sealed. And, so it is. ✨

Photo by petr sidorov on Unsplash

Summer Breeze

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Summer break has finally arrived! Whew! My tiny space is coming together, beginning to feel like home, and my dog has adapted well to the space. She’s such a fierce bundle of joy. I hope to have her for longer periods of time. She is usually with my ex, as he works from home. I didn’t want to leave her alone for 8+ hours while I worked. I miss her, as we truly were attached at the hip. That’s Poppie below. There are no personal boundaries with a doxie.

I’ve had a couple of days to sit on the other side of a busy year. I became someone I didn’t recognize, an irritable, moody shell. I read some of my past posts and cringed. Some have been deleted. Slowing down is a gift to be savored. Perhaps a shift is on the horizon. I trust in divine wisdom and that clarity is yet to come. 

Last night I took a stroll around the neighborhood. The scent of jasmine is lovely this time of year, and the neighborhood is heady with it! There was a nice summer breeze, like that Seals and Croft song, 

Summer breeze, makes me feel fine
Blowin’ through the jasmine in my mind.

I plan to catch up on some blog reading soon. Gosh, it’s been a while. Happy writing, and wishing you a stellar day!

Feature Photo by Emma Dau on Unsplash

on we go

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Hello World. I’ve been in my new place for three weeks and four days. It’s slowly coming together. I did sell my digital piano and finally got my car fixed. My new space doesn’t quite feel like home. There’s more art I’ll eventually put up on the walls, and the layout in my bedroom isn’t quite to my satisfaction, but it’s getting there. I enjoy taking a space and making it home.

I have 3.5 more weeks of work until my summer break begins. Nearly three months off, which I’m sure will fly by. Time seems to be moving at a snail’s pace. I’ve noticed a shift in my mood, kinda irritable and protective. My body doesn’t always want to “go” when I want it to. Getting older brings with it certain limitations. I remind myself to think kinder thoughts and nourish my body as best I can. 

By the next post, I should be out for summer break. May summer bring restoration and peace. Cheers, and may you enjoy your weekend!

I love this song. Reminds me of setting out on a new path.

Photo by Evgeni Tcherkasski on Unsplash

life is anything but…

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Hello World. I moved this week over Spring break. Thankfully, I had the week off. My third move in two years, post divorce. It’s been rather stressful. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new place, and the area is terrific. It’s very small, yet much closer to the beach. I have gone back and forth to Goodwill to donate stuff all week, and still, there are boxes of stuff, a closet full of stuff, and wall art that won’t work in the space. I think I may have to sell my digital piano, as it doesn’t fit anywhere. I sold my newish dining table and other things to decrease stuff. I am trying not to complain, as I truly love the area. And the neighbors on either side of my unit seem great. It’s just been tough, and I’m heading back to work next Monday. More to do, as my car is also having issues that must be addressed. Tomorrow, I’ll spend the day at the automotive shop. Timing, it feels as though I’m swimming upstream. I’m staying put for as long as possible!

The week before the move, I began having panic attacks – again. Haven’t had one in a while. I’m grateful they weren’t as bad as others. No ER or EMTs. I moved due to a feral cat situation at my last rental that never went away. The cats continued to poop on the property. A month before I decided to break the lease, the homeowner finally addressed it by putting rock on the front lawn and wire on the fence in the backyard as deterrents. It did very little, as the cats continued to show up, as though to say, “Stupid humans; we own the place.” The neighbor next door feeds and cares for the cats and has done so forever. So if anyone were to go, it was me. Homeowner refused to release me from the lease, which doesn’t end until July 1st. It has just sucked all around.

I hope that moving will eventually bring peace of mind. My car was starting to smell like cat poop – gross! Okay, so this is the end of my little rant. I know somewhere there’s a rainbow.

Photo by Illiya Vjestica on Unsplash

the path less thorny

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show me the way
to the path less thorny
where the waters are quiet
and my mind still
where there is ever a quiet corner
away from the grind
and I can sit without worry
there I feel at home,
nestled under a sky loaded
with stars, the moon suspended,
the heavens open wide
on the path less thorny
I live another life
time flows gently
and I am strong again

Photo by Aleksandra Boguslawska on Unsplash

Magic Wand

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My fuck-it meter’s spiking high;
I can’t even see straight.
If only fuck were a magic word –
a spell I could shout,
and a wand would flash into being
to set everything right.

My fuck-it, fuck-you, fuck-this thoughts
would soften on the spot,
the whole mess clearing out,
balance snapping back in place
with one clean swish of the hand.
Now that would be some powerful magic.

Guess I’ll just sage instead.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

Misshapened

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how i hate disappointing you,
the silence that follows,
it screams of failure
that hammer
in my nervous system
sounds the alarm
my younger self, her face
beet red and burning,
insides churning,
hands balled up
in tight little fists.
my younger self rages,
silently turning her pain inward
i am not fooled by
your sugar-coated words
and pious efforts that appear
like some kind of holiness;
they just as quickly
become poisonous quills
i must let go,
for in letting go I am free
it is a double-edged sword,
a delicate balance,
power and sacrifice,
relief and sorrow,
feeling everything
and nothing at all,
often at the same time
i weep for all the things lost,
despite the things gained
my heart is misshapen,
yet a misshapen heart
is better than an
imprisoned one
let me rejoice in
having a heart at all

Photo by Felix Rottmann on Unsplash

Wildfires

3 Replies

I sit with bated breath, like most of the country, due to the wildfires spreading across Los Angeles County. It is deeply saddening to watch such destruction. My heart grieves for the wildlife, the animals that have been impacted by these fires. I started limiting my consumption of social media after seeing hurt animals, a completely singed, terrified raccoon posted on Threads was the last I could bear. I’m concerned and anxious for the animals who are caught and/or fleeing the fires. I know that thousands of humans have been evacuated and lost their homes and businesses. The suffering of innocent wildlife and animals, however, is most unbearable. I am safe from harm here in Long Beach. I have friends and family who live in North Hollywood and Santa Monica, and fortunately, they have not had to evacuate (at least not at this time). I’m grateful to be at home with my pup, but cannot help but feel for all those suffering. The wildfires come yearly, yet it seems that this year the damage is even more widespread. I hope those who may be reading this post in Los Angeles are safe. I’ll continue to ask the angels to send strength to all of the first responders engaged and safety to all beings affected by the Los Angeles wildfires. May we collectively hold them in light and love.

Resources to support those affected by the Los Angeles wildfires:

https://www.lahsa.org/news?article=1014-resources-to-support-those-during-the-l-a-fires

For Best

5 Replies

What to do when the answer’s unclear,
when unable to obtain the clarity you seek
knowing that the wrong decision could
wreak havoc, make life rather bleak.
Oh, the anxiety that spins me round and round.
It makes me weak; I cannot ground!
Feels like a terrible pounding in my head,
and I cannot catch my breath. It’s caught
somewhere between my ribs in spasms
of fear and uncertainty. I must go forward,
for surely there is no right or wrong,
only what is, what might be.
May the clouds lift and the sun promise
a day without panic. Be patient, my dear,
do not to fret, for the answer is near,
though it may not be what you want,
it is for best.

Enjoy the Stars

5 Replies

Happy Holidays! It’s that time of the year again. I’m finally on winter break and couldn’t be more giddy. I’m trying to stay present and not worry about how fast the break will go. I’ll be hosting a small Christmas gathering tomorrow at home with my daughter and a good friend. I still have yet to figure out what to prepare other than pumpkin pie. My brain and body are tired, but I’m so glad to not be at work.

It’s my second holiday season on my own. The quiet is nice, but I’ve found myself grieving the familiarity of the home I left, snuggling with my pup while we watch movies. Well I watched the movies, and my pup snuggled. My current rental has had so many issues, primarily feral cats pooping in the yard. I do feel for the kitties, but it’s a pain to clean their messes. The neighbor feeds them, and they kinda live in his yard but use my yard as a giant kitty litter box. I’ve considered breaking my lease, however, the thought of moving again is dreadful not to mention, likely costly. It’s been an ongoing issue since moving in and caused much stress. I’ve invested in way too many deterrents that unfortunately don’t work long-term, but I keep trying. Homeowner not very aggressive in dealing with the issue. Sigh…

Anyway, back to holiday cheer. Yule is my favorite time of the year, my favorite season. I’m truly savouring the slowdown, noursishing myself with stillness, rest, and pause as much as possible. Lots of reflection on the past year, what I’ve been able to accomplish, what has taken a toll, and what I intend to release.

Thank you for stopping by and reading this little blurb. May you, too, slow down, enjoy the stars tonight, and savor the stillness of winter. Wishing you a safe and happy holiday!

Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

A little holiday cheer from Laufey…

Burnout

19 Replies

I walk into the ER to check in. Two women sit behind desks. They have friendly faces and seem genuinely kind.

“Are you checking in?” says one.

“Yes. I’m having chest pain.”

“Have you experienced this kind of pain before,” asks the medical person sitting next to the woman checking me in. I know, I do not appear as if anything is wrong. I look normal on the outside. Nothing seemingly reveals that it feels like I’m burning from the inside out in my chest, unless perhaps, you know me well. I’m good at masking my feelings and pain.

“Oh, yes, multiple times,” I reply as the other assistant attaches a band around my wrist. “EKGs never turn up anything. I think it’s probably stress and anxiety.”

“Okay,” says the other woman, assuredly. “You’re all checked in. Have a seat in the lobby, and they will call you right away.”

“Can I go to the restroom first?” I ask.

“No,” they’re going to call you immediately because it’s chest pain.”

She’s right. I hear my name. A female medical assistant ushers me into the ER. Before I sit down to have vitals taken, I ask to go to the restroom.”

“No, I’m sorry you can’t. There’s a procedure we need to follow. We have to time everything because you’re having chest pain. The EKG won’t take long at all.”

I’ve had EKGs in the past, and they weren’t exactly short. But I get it. In case I’m having a freaking heart attack, which I’m certain I’m not. While she’s taking my BP, a male assistant joins us. I watch wearily as he puts on a pair of blue, squeaky sounding rubber gloves. BP is taken. I try to see the numbers but can’t because I’m bleary eyed and turn my attention away. Again I ask to go to the restroom.

“I’m sorry, but we need to do the EKG first,” the male assistant tells me. “It will be really quick.”

I follow the male assistant who takes me to another very small area, and I’m instructed to lie down on the stretcher/bed thingy. He applies all the little pads where they need to go. I’m wondering if he’s checking out my tattoos. At least I didn’t have to completely disrobe, yet why do I always get the cute, young male assistants to do the damn EKGs?

It’s the fastest EKG ever. Literally, it’s over in a couple of minutes. He removes all the wires and pads and tells me I can now go to the restroom, points me in the right direction. Thank God, because I really have to pee.

I go back out into the lobby and wait. Pretty soon, a physican comes to get me, and again, I’m taken to another small exam room. He asks about my symptoms, blah, blah, blah. My chest still hurts, but it’s not as bad as a couple of nights ago. The physician is masked, but he has kind eyes and seems to listen. He tells me he wants to run some labs and an x-ray. I’m glad they’re at least making sure the pain isn’t related to my heart. Though I don’t think it is, I can’t help but be a little worried, and it’s nice to have someone provide care when I’m worried and not sure what the hell is happening to my body. I feel old.

I go back out to the lobby, and no less than a few minutes later, another male assistant takes me back for an x-ray. I have never had an x-ray like this. I sit in a chair, and he puts a board behind my back. There is a huge, mobile machine that he adjusts, and click, the x-ray is taken. Cool. I didn’t have to remove anything. Best EKG and chest xray ever, I think to myself, ignoring the dull ache in my stupid chest. I again return to the lobby. Before long, the phlembotomist calls my name for the blood draw. Fun. Not fun. I tell him that they always use a butterfly needle because I have tiny veins. He looks at the veins in my right arm.

“No kidding. Tiny, tiny veins.”

Yes. And I am probably not very well hydrated so I’m hoping for the best. The phlembotomist inserts the needle slowly into my arm then pushes up on the needle. Ow. I’ve never had anyone push the needle in that way, but he gets a vein, and I can see the blood steadily flowing into the little tube, not dribbling, like a dried up riverbed. I ask why so many tubes. He says he takes extra just in case. Oh joy.

Eventually, I meet with the physician. Everything looks normal. My heart is fine. I knew that. The culprit of the chest pain remains unknown. I ask if the pain will just go away. The physician suggests I get a stress test after meeting with my primary care doctor, which isn’t until next April. Hmm. I’m left to believe that the chest pain is related to stress and anxiety. If I hadn’t been recommended to go to the ER by the triage nurse I spoke with on the phone, I wouldn’t have gone.

Later in the evening, the pain has subsided. Despite not wanting to drive to the ER, I’m glad I did, if for nothing else than peace of mind. No heart issues. Occasionally, I feel a twinge, then reassure myself that everything is okay. Just slow slown. Just breathe. The thought of going anywhere today makes my heart race and head spin. I’m tired, exhausted. I think my body literally could not do more last week. I pushed through the day on Wednesday, despite the pain in my chest. Thursday and Friday, I called in sick. Yesterday was the ER day. I am resting as much as possible this weekend, although a phone call with an old friend that I hadn’t talked to in a year was a bit triggering.

I’m okay. Just slow down. Just breathe.

There are two more weeks left until the winter break, at which time, I’ll have nearly one month off of work. I do not know how I will get through the next two weeks, except to grit my teeth and bear it, as the saying goes. It is hard to give to others when you have nothing left to give. So be it. There is a staff holiday party, a potluck. More work. Luckily I bought an apple pie on Wednesday in preparation for the other holiday party I missed, another pot luck. Who does pot lucks anymore, anyway? As if we’re not already tired from a long, busy semester.

Two more weeks till freedom. Temporary freedom. But freedom, nonetheless. Oh to get to the other side.

Big Magick

4 Replies

I have been home sick. Worked remote yesterday but today called out. I really don’t like to call out sick. I cannot remember the last time I felt so run down. Ah, it was when I contracted COVID in 2020, followed by a chronic subdural hygroma that was excruciatingly painful. So weird. Who knows how I ended up with a hygroma. I did not anticipate that the work at my present job would be so tough … Seriously, I don’t think I’m a hypochondriac. I typically love life, freedom, creative expression, music, art. I’ll be out for winter break in a month, at which time I will glory in slow mornings, drinking a full cup of coffee, and avoiding the damn 405 like the plague. Nearly a month off, yessss!

I watched an interview with author, Elizabeth Gilbert, who appeared on the Mike Birbiglia show after my work day. I followed Gilbert’s Big Magic podcast for a while and greatly admire her independence, her break from the long held expectations of females. I love that she feels happier in solitude and perhaps more productive, certainly, freer outside the confines of romantic entanglement. I appreciate her views on creativity and work and her ethics related to avoiding that pressure to utilize your creativity as a sole source of income. She noted that she had multiple income streams until her fourth book, Eat Pray, Love, took off and made her a successful author. I have been considering what work path to pursue that allows for increased quality of life and creativity, less stress, and less “helping others,” as truly, I am burnt to a crisp. The more intuitive side of me begs to come out and play. I keep telling her to be patient until I have more space, stillness; her time will come. Life is short, is it not? Especially at this age when there are fewer years left to live. I’d love to engage more in what inspires me – writing, nature, reading, playing music, sound medicine, growing plants, animals, magick.

I am possibly the worst business person ever. I learned that after having a private practice for a couple of years prior to my current job. I admire those who run their own businesses. Self employment comes with a caveat. You have to be successful to sustain a living! And California ain’t cheap. Lessons from Liz Gilbert. Don’t quit your day job to pursue your creative interests. I appreciate that Gilbert was her own sugar mama. I also resonate with the notion that there has to be another reason to make art besides the market. She talked about the book she decided not to publish, The Snow Forest, due to the war between Russia and the Ukraine. Ukranian readers expressed their disdain at the release due to the book’s Russian setting. Gilbert said it took three years to write. But she got the message, how harmful it would be to release the book at such a time, two years after Russia invaded Ukraine. Wow. It is sitting on a shelf for another time or maybe never.

I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of creating work for the simple joy of creating, whether others see it, read it, like it or not. Wouldn’t it be dreamy to make money doing what you love, but for some of us, perhaps it’s not in the stars. There will always be others who are more talented, more ambitious, more successful, in their prime. Maybe I need to aim higher. Manifest more diligently. One can daydream, even in mid-life, and make shifts slowly towards a path that is more fulfilling. I am too old to work this hard, at least my body tells me so. And I must listen. Wimp or not, it is personal choice and the freedom to have that choice. When I have figured it all out, I will let you know. It may be a little while yet.

Photo by Sofia Holmberg on Unsplash

Today

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Today I have a mind to let go,
to bask in the the warmth of an autumn day.
The sun never felt so brilliant.

To be silenced by the whistles and trills
of birdsong, the soft drumming of beetle wings
is what I divine.

I will bow to such simplicity.
For in such simplicity is grandeur,
and I shall wear it like a velvet gown.

Happy November 1st

12 Replies

Hi out there. Hope this post finds you well. I’m enjoying a day off of work, as I celebrated Samhain with a friend last nite. We honored our ancestors, practiced some divination, had some drinks. It was a fun, magickal evening.

I recently connected with a shaman who I’ll begin working with soon. She spoke of a strong ancestral presence upon our first conversation. I was never interested in my ancestry until I found my adoption contract, hidden in my adoptive parents’ attic for who knows how long. It found its way to me immediately following my adoptive mother’s funeral, as though my mom was saying, “I want you to have this now.” The contract revealed things my adoptive parents hid from me and likely falsified. So many things were untrue. My adoptive mom made sure that all ties to my birth country were severed. On the rare occasion that I brought up questions, she became weirdly paranoid, asking who put me up to asking such questions. I didn’t pursue it. It’s been 12 years since I visited the country of my birth, Taiwan. I’ve wanted to return but life happens and so many things have gotten in the way. My hope is to return sometime next year. And I hope that in working with this shaman, I’ll connect with my birth mother and perhaps other ancestors.

I haven’t written any poems lately. We’re so fatigued at work from a very busy fall semester and previously, a not so slow summer. Fatigue has a way of crushing creativity. I’m glad to know it’s not just me but my colleagues also feel it, the burnout. Secondly, I go back and read some of my poems and think, this is such shitty poetry. What possessed me to write poems? On the other hand, it was therapeutic while I went through a divorce. Freedom. It feels good. Yet there are some days when the loss comes up so strong it literally catches my breath, and I cannot believe where I am, how I made it out, what I’m doing. It’s not so much the loss of a marriage but what I left behind…my dog, my piano, my music books, the little nest I built that was home, etc (I will retrieve those things when I have a permanent place). Even the dissolution of the most toxic marriage is felt as a loss. I don’t know how else to explain it. I have felt the gamut of emotion, sadness, anger, anxiety, worry, hopelessness, uncertainty. At times, I sometimes still feel transient, displaced. No one would know that I’m grieving. I come across like I have my shit together (most days). And on we go.

Samhain lasts till sundown this evening; the veil between this world and the “Otherworld” remains thinnest. So maybe some spellwork today and divination. Certainly, pondering my ancestral roots, the birth parents I never knew and honoring my birth mother in particular. Wishing you all a very blessed day. I thank you for stopping by and hope to catch up on reading your posts soon. May you enjoy the turning of the season!

With You by Kalandra. To my soulmate wherever you may be…Honestly, we have multiple soulmates, but this song is so beautiful I’m sending it out…lolol…And I’m currently obsessed with this band.

Photo by Daizy Isumi on Unsplash

wicked wind

6 Replies

the wicked wind came howling tonight,
a squall that shook me to my bones 
the moon pierced through the stormy clouds,
and i sighed deeply as the wild wind
whipped and moaned
take away the memory of him
i begged the fierce wind as it shrieked,
but it seemed to laugh as only tempests can
leaving stains of dust ‘cross my pallid cheek
how haughty is the wicked wind
to laugh with such disdain
at a love gone cold and a heart deceived
no sympathy did it feign

Borders by Kalandra


Photo by Luka Vovk on Unsplash

save wild horses

6 Replies

I’m back from my visit to Return to Freedom. Left Saturday about mid-morning, forgot to factor in traffic, but made it just in time for the tour. It was about a 3+ hour drive, give or take a few minutes. It seems no matter what time you leave on any given day in Los Angeles, there will always be traffic. Silly me to have forgotten. We started the tour around 3:30pm and ended just shy of 6:30. I got my steps in, lol.

The weather was sunny, bright, and very warm, but not unbearable. Definitely got warmer, however, as we continued our trek through the sanctuary. Thankfully, there was a nice breeze most of the time. Upon arrival, we caravaned down a dusty dirt road, greeted by several wild burros. They are the sweetest creatures! Later we walked alongside them, stoppng to scratch behind long, fuzzy ears and marvel at such cuteness.

We saw several different herds of wild horses in various regions of the sanctuary, some horses open to connecting with humans. Others stood at a distance or atop a hill, probably thinking, “Oh it’s those humans again.” My favorite part of the tour was connecting briefly with a mare named Willow. There were many people on the tour, so most everyone wanted to touch the horses that were friendly and open to greeting humans. Willow walked over to me and let me scratch her head and behind her ears. She has the sweetest eyes and temperament. I could have hung out with Willow all day.

I stayed in Lompoc overnight. At bedtime, I just got so emotional! Horses bring out all the feels. Also knowing that so many wild mustangs and burros are rounded up and separated from their families by the evil BLM gnaws at me. Some are killed during the chase, including babies. Those caught are sent to auction, forced into kill pens to be transported to Mexico and slaughtered for meat by the highest bidders. Some are placed in other holding pens for the rest of their lives, far away from the lands they once roamed. Thank the stars for RTF and other sanctuaries that rescue as many as they can. They are unable to save them all, which makes me deeply sad and angry at the injustice, that humans can get away with such cruelty and inhumanity. Other horses may be bought by reckless owners who starve and abuse them until their light disappears.

The horrific rounding up continues. It’s remarkable that sanctuaries like RTF try very hard to find family members and reunite wild horses when they are able to, sometimes taking years. I hope to return to RTF to take some of the workshops offered. It’s just a long drive, and workshops are spendy, of course, but I’m sure well worth it. Horses are again at the forefront of my heart. I am drawn to them. Perhaps the horse is my totem or spirit animal. 

Below are a few photos. They don’t do these beautiful animals justice, and I wished I had an actual camera so I could zoom in. I shot a few videos as well. The first two photos (top row, L to R) are of Spirit, a stallion who was the inspiration for Dreamworks animated film, “Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron.” He is 29 years old, quite beautiful and very sweet. I spent a few minutes rubbing his neck. We were told that he loves children, and the first humans he walked over to were the kids. Next are a couple of cute burros. There were many. That’s Willow and my hand, lol, on the second row. After Willow is a band of horses called the Brislawn herd. They have the most beautiful coats including grulla/o. And lastly is one of the largest herds, 33 total, at the sanctuary. There are a few bands within the herd including two stallions with their mares.

I would have loved a more private tour. There sensed so much human energy that I found it hard to be present with those horses that came up to us. This was, however, a group tour, and I’m grateful to have learned more about RTF and the wild horses and burros. I should probably stop obsessing now over horses! Just being in their presence is magical. 

Photos by Mj, iPhone XR 😂

shine

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in the quiet of the morning,
my heart open wide
the wind softly whispers
let go, let go my child
yesterday was heavy
a heart full of sorrow,
your troubles, far too many
for any one human to hold
follow the light of the sun
for it will always rise
bask in its warmth and promise
that tomorrow you will shine

The Sun is the source of all life on Earth. It represents optimism and abundance. It radiates with warmth and vitality. The Sun also represents creativity. Sunflowers, one of my favorite flowers, represent happiness, loyalty, and longevity. Young sunflowers move to face the sun, thus the name, “sunflower.” Perhaps, that’s why I’m drawn to them 🙂

Photo by Ryan Tasto on Unsplash

shadow of you

12 Replies

out of this body,
out of this mind
running frantically in place
as though running out of time
in my dreams i search for you
amid a forest thick with mist,
but you are not to be found,
and there i remain alone and adrift
when suddenly you appear
under a half-lit waning moon,
time seems to stand still, illuminated
yet you disappear far too soon
i reach blindly for your shadow
to it shall i cling,
but your shadow slowly fades
no solace does it bring

Endings, live performance by East Forest

Photo by Sven Brandsma on Unsplash

moving day

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I am moved into the new house! It feels good to be in. Lots of spiders, however, eww. More unpacking and cleaning to do – feels like I’ve run a freakin’ marathon! Giant headache, couple of bruises, and sore muscles. This little house has less storage than my last apartment, like no closet for linens, so I’m figuring out how to get creative with storage. Where to store the makeup and bathroom stuff, the linens? I’m also not certain now that I’m in that my baby grand piano will fit. Maybe it’s the empty boxes spread out all over the place. But, it’s okay. I have a digital piano, which I’ll put back together today, as well as a  bookshelf. Everything else is set. Took a while to put my bed together. It was much easier taking it apart. I have a backyard for Poppie with some pretty string lights!

It’s quieter in this neighborhood, except for the fireworks that went off last night. The homeowner did forewarn me that people like to shoot their fireworks, apparently not only on Fourth of July. I caught a glimpse of some in the night sky last night as I was doing laundry. The washer and dryer are sitting on the back deck. But there are nice covers to protect them when not in use. Old homes – ya gotta love ’em, or not… Now to undo all the boxes and store them in the scary, spider filled garage. I’m thrilled to be moved in. I think I’ve been too busy and tired to think and feel. Perhaps that’s a good thing.

fireproof

3 Replies

thinking blue

under the last quarter moon

lazy summer afternoons,

beachy vibes and thrills in june

the fire behind your eyes,

like golden ember

earth that binds

it’s the spark i’ll remember,

my muse

two wayfaring souls drawn together

boundless are we

eternal,

Fireproof

Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine. Lyrics here.

Photo by Unsplash in collaboration with Spencer Backman

rainbow

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I have been packing like crazy for the past week. As the saying goes, you don’t know how much stuff you have till you relocate. Exactly a year ago, I moved into this small, two-bedroom apartment due to necessity. I have never lived alone, not that I haven’t wanted to. Always had at least one roommate, and well, a spouse. I have loved living alone and having my own space. I loved furnishing my apartment. I remember purchasing my sectional sofa and bed, assembling them, then slowly adding in rugs, a small dining table and MCM dining chairs, hanging wall art, and styling the space in a way that felt cozy and warm, like home. Here I am, about to relocate again to a new place, a house. It’s a small house, one bedroom, tiny yard, garage mainly for storage, and a covered carport. I’ve fretted so much because of the neighborhood the home is located in. I hate to say it, but when I drive through the neighborhood, I feel distressed. The homeowner repeatedly said it’s a safe area, blah, blah, blah; nevertheless, it’s a culture shock. I love the house itself, however. It’s set back from the street beside two other homes. Still, I worry I won’t like the area. The lease is not forever, so there is that. All signs tell me it’s a good move, despite my qualms.

This morning I experienced a very strong wave of dizziness – not the first time. I thought it was a panic attack, but it was mostly my body telling me to slow down and take better care of it. Yesterday, I had to give a training at work for Parents of First Year Students on campus, which didn’t take long, thankfully. But I did pack before and after, way into the night. I woke up this morning with a giant headache, body aches, and pains – you know, the usual. I was stretching, and a certain movement caused a very unwelcome wave of nausea. I had to lie down and rest for most of the morning until it passed. After eating, I felt slightly better. Still not super great, but here I am writing this post.

I move next Monday. I hired movers, but still so much more to pack. Then there’s the unpacking. Multiple stressors compete for my attention – family crises, financial worries, moving, work, health, my dog, who needs to see a dental veterinarian. What struck me this morning as I was lying on my sofa is how much grief creeps in on top of all the other stuff, the loss of multiple things, including my youth, marriage, seeing someone you love suffer, thus the aches and pains. I felt this morning that I could not handle another minute of it. I will truly miss this place, this beachy community, what has come to be home for the past year, perhaps just this small chapter of my life, which has turned out to be a whopper.

I’ve come across rainbows multiple times in the past couple of weeks. The rainbow is an ancient symbol of peace and divine honor. Though things feel so turbulant in this moment, I feel certain there will be a rainbow on the other side, even if I have to paint one, dammit, in my art journal.

Rainbow, Kacey Musgraves. I learned to play this on my little digital piano. Maybe one day I’ll post. But no one can sing it as well as Kacey ❤

Photo by eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplash

once again

7 Replies

look, look what you have done
just when i come up for air
and all in life seems fair
you silently choke the light
right out of me,
expect me to live a life that
is not mine
when you haven’t the first clue
the dark that threatens to undo,
nor can you care
for everything has a price tag,
my dreams have languished, lagged
i am spilled out
and for a moment i doubt,
but the waxing moon promises renewal
shall i aspire to the beautiful?
a gift, a life anew,
climb out of the doldrum
shake off what numbs
and start once again

Cheers to shitty poems. But the song is amazing. Echo of my Shadow by Aurora. 

Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash

new beginnings

6 Replies

Can you believe we’re almost midway through June? Is it just me or does time really fly?

I’ve had the past 10 days free of work, frolicking on the beach and house hunting. It’s been exceedingly lovely to rest and restore. I so enjoyed my time off from work and spending time with friends. It was much needed. I don’t think I could have worked another day. In the span of 10 days, I found a new home rental that I’ll be moving into in just a matter of weeks. Wow. It is a time of action with the waxing crescent moon, so I guess the timing is fitting. It feels as though a lifetime occurred in the last 10 days 

I’ve gone back and forth about this new home, questioning whether it’s the right move. It’s small, just the right size, very nice, and has cottage-y vibes. I adore the house. The homeowner I experienced as warm and approachable. There’s a small backyard with string lights and enough room to move in my baby grand piano. So what’s the hang up? It’s just further away from the beach, where I’ve lived for the past year. A close friend and I have lived walking distance from each other’s apartment, and I will truly miss that as well as walking across the street to the beach. The new house is in a somewhat mixed neighborhood, meaning it’s in a relatively safe area, but my first impression was, it’s kinda “sketchy.” I keep reminding myself that the home has a backyard. I’ll be able to keep my sweet pup for longer periods of time. I think she’ll feel more comfortable in the space and will have a backyard to explore. I share her with my ex. She loves her doggie door and big backyard at what used to be the home we all shared. It was one of the hardest things ever to leave her.

Change. Change is hard. So many changes in the last year. More changes to come. I should be celebrating, yet I feel a little sad about leaving this space, and ultimately, endings. It’s the end of a chapter. I wanted to stay close, but home properties are less available and more expensive. Life is complicated, messy. How I wish it weren’t so. I will miss this area very much, despite crazy apartment living and crazy neighbors. For many months, it’s been a safe haven, a place to heal.

Why move? I’ve asked myself a million times, weighing the pros and cons obsessively. My lease is up on June 12th, so it seemed an appropriate time. Moreso, I’ve been longing for a home with a backyard for my dog, space for my baby grand, and privacy.

There is much to love about the new house, and I’m grateful that the owner chose me to rent to. The beach is about a 10-minute drive south. Change and transition, nevertheless, are hard, even when it’s for the best. I get attached to things and people. I don’t want to lose what I’ve worked hard to attain. My higher self tells me it’s a time of rebirth, but I seem to be gritting my teeth.

So, cheers to new adventures and new beginnings. If I could trust that the Universe has my back, I suppose transition would feel easier. But trust does not come easy. So be it. Let the packing begin. Once settled, I’m certain I’ll fall in love with the house, and who knows, maybe the neighborhood.

Been obsessed with The Marias latest album, Submarine. No One Noticed seems to describe my mood lately. 

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

tiny ache

3 Replies

what is this tiny ache swelling
beneath my heart?
a worry, sorrow, dismay?
please let it soon depart!
how restless are my days
wondering what is yet to come
blocks, delays, stagnation
oh hellfire and damnation!
where is this life of ease,
that others claim to live?
perhaps it is all illusion,
a grandiose delusion
if i could trust myself enough
to allay all my fears,
to trust the lot that has been cast,
the ache would disappear

Photo by Javardh on Unsplash

forever young

5 Replies

there’s this uncanny feeling i get
deep down in my gut
like we knew each other
in a past life
i’m most sure of it
my dear friend
who would have known
that after all this time,
we’d end up partners in crime?
hittin’ downtown
like we’re jewels in the crown
soakin’ up the sun
oh, let it be written
that we own the night
under gilded moonlight
you the mage, I the madness
a toast to us,
to all we’ve lost, yet become
may there be more days like this
living life to the fullest
you and i,
forever free, forever young

Photo by David Marcu on Unsplash

warrior

10 Replies

This is an unfinished piece of art I drew and painted a couple of years ago. I’ve never taken any formal art classes – I’m sure it shows – but started drawing in adolescence. I tend to draw stylized female portraits in the style of Tamara LaPorte, my favorite artist. I wish to improve my skills and perhaps experiment with more abstract painting. I don’t quite have the skill yet to paint the way I’d like to. Most of the time, I like the sketch better – the paint seems to muck things up.

It’s been a while since I’ve drawn. Since starting full-time work, I don’t have as much time to dabble in art. But one day, perhaps I’ll get back to it. It takes energy to draw. I find that writing poetry requires less energy and is easier, of course, to edit! I’m really bad at coming up with names, like names for groups I facilitate, names for art, names for poems, etc. What name would you give this drawing? It said “warrior” to me, but like I mentioned, it’s not very creative, lol. I can’t remember what inspired it. Most of the time, I just start drawing, and what shows up, shows up!

She

6 Replies

she looks to the sky
for some divination,
some explanation
for the way things are
why did the stars align
as they did on the day
she was born?
why was she vanquished
to a place where she languished
until it was decided she’d
grow up foreign?
daydreams and portals,
she was anything but normal
drawn to the celestial,
a bit of a rebel
a Starseed is she
when things get too troubling
on Earth, she is struggling
she remembers how silly
of her to forget
that she is
the love of her life
she will survive
she will yet thrive,
and that is all that she needs

For my fellow adoptees who know too well the hurts caused by adoption…

Berceuse in D-Flat, Op. 57, Frédéric Chopin. I love this piece so much and have always wanted to learn to play it. Chopin was always so difficult to play for lots of different reasons. I have small hands, and in Chopin’s piano literature, there are often large intervals that I had to get creative playing, not to mention the technical difficulty. I was an average pianist in my abilities compared to my peers and wasn’t super diligent with practice. I mean, 8 hours a day of practice was just not me. Four was about all I could mange. If super inspired, maybe six, lol. I learned one of Chopin’s Ballades (A-Flat) in my undergraduate piano studies. It was such a beautiful piece – I remember wishing that I could perform it better. I also recall another more technically advanced individual telling me it was Chopin’s easiest Ballade. I just wanted to say, fuck off. I truly hated the perfection required in classical training. Always riddled by performance anxiety. Probably why I despised performing and liked dancing and acting better – you could improvise if you messed up. I do admire pianists who achieve that level of performing. I think I’d be a different performer now, however.

Anyway, one of my professors performed the piece during a recital, and it was such a lovely performance. Was mesmerized. I like Gorlatch’s performance, as it’s at a tempo I prefer for this piece. He makes it look so easy! In fact, this piece is really difficult. So much is subjective within the limits of the period and style the piece was written in. It’s interesting to compare pianists’ interpretations. There is a performance I enjoy slightly more, Wibe Soerjadi, but couldn’t find on YouTube. I love alternative/indie/classic rock and other genres, but often go back to classical when I need to get more grounded.

This piece fit the poem above. Enjoy.

Photo by Rémi Jacquaint on Unsplash

peek-a-boo

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I am here
I am not here
have I disappeared?
peek-a-boo
catch me if you can
picture perfect,
at first glance
yet truth be told,
can barely stand
the way you think I’m fine
must be a thousand times
and over, blind
find me if you can
hiding, bruised, black and blue
peek-a-boo
and right on cue,
I’ll disappear

How Soon Is Now? by The Smiths.  A classic. Thought it fit the poem.

It’s a 3-day weekend! This time last year, I was planning a great escape. I can hardly believe it’s been nearly a year. So much has happened since then. Simply, it has been hard. Grateful for my friends who’ve stood close by. Enjoy the weekend!

Photo by Hannah Xu on Unsplash

dim

2 Replies

it is seven o’ five

feeling barely alive

the day is done

should be reveling in

the warmth of

summer sun,

and yet all i want to do

is crawl into bed

pull the covers over

my throbbing head

and shut the world out

i have no doubt

it will keep turning

whether i lie awake or sleep

safe at home i unmask,

despite shadows prowling,

feasting upon my past

words of love have grown dim

slumber now for tomorrow shall too soon begin

Photo by Jairo Alzate on Unsplash

burning alive

5 Replies

remember the first time
you brushed the hair back
from my eyes
it was one of those crazy hot days last July
sand covered our bronzed, bare feet
you leaned into me with kisses so sweet,
and i could barely breathe
we were burning alive

you were the blue,
always changing like the tide
born to love me with all the grace
of a blooming sunrise,
my morning star
we were burning alive

sun and sand,
wind through the palms
we stuck together,
two birds of a feather,
day and night
i loved you for eternity,
my evening song
we were burning alive

Birds of a Feather by Billie Eilish. Her new album, Hit Me Hard and Soft, dropped yesterday! On repeat, particularly this song, which inspired this poem. Such a great album ❤ 

Photo by Storiès on Unsplash

no longer here

10 Replies

the murmur in my heart

decided to become a whisper,

and the whisper grew to be a wail

until the wail became a very loud moan

the moan reminds me that you are no longer here

the tourniquet has stopped the bleeding ’round my heart

yet has done nothing to remove the memories of you from my

pounding head, so i will write and write another day until

the very loud moan becomes a wail, and the wail

softens into a whisper, and the whisper decides

to become a murmur, then there will be

nothing but silence to remind me

that you are no longer here

Photo by Alec Douglas on Unsplash

let go of ego

10 Replies

this is where i find myself
struggling to embrace
all that is the human experience
i’d soon forget our race
dying to let go of ego,
vying for some balance
finding shelter incognito
in a kind and gentler space
remember who i am,
remember who i’m not
let go of shallow words and gestures
how tiresome are your arrogant thoughts
to live and breathe a life of love
of this i shall pursue
i have no time for human games
i long for a life, a love that’s true

I Hate Everything About You-Live Acoustic, Three Days Grace. An oldie but goodie…my “I don’t give a fuck meter” is at an all time high. Full song lyrics here.

Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

the raven

2 Replies

my dear friend, the raven,
has a certain kind of MAGICK
dressed in black from head to tail,
has a flair for the dramatic
such a sooty bird is he,
flying fast on graceful wingbeats
watch him dive across the sky
an aerial acrobat and artful spy
fills the blue with an echoing croak
he’s a brilliant trickster under cloak
see him vividly in my dreams,
casting charms as i sleep
bringing change and ancient wisdom
reminds me of all i am to become

a little creek

9 Replies

there’s a mossy little creek

where i like to sit and think

a shallow slope to mull and dream,

where glossy water babbles midstream

i skip barefoot ‘cross the river stones

earth and fire in my bones,

behold the current gently flow,

carrying my dreams safely home

Photo by Maddox Howe on Unsplash

howl at the moon

4 Replies

i hear Nature summoning
run wild through the trees,
taste my youth on the tip of my tongue
at home in this body and evening breeze

a midnight stroll through the green,
to exorcise the ache
howling fiercely at the moon
like some secret language

shadow of trees and cloak of leaves
a romance to ever flourish
as though turning the pages of this life,

and

the

windy

path

diverges

Photo by Unsplash in collaboration with Getty Images

bargaining

9 Replies

there’s a little piece of me that dies a little bit
every time i get on the freakin’ 710
my personal hell, running late yet again
mind you, i’m no weakling, ha
but life in the fast lane
makes my heart sink
and as the days grow longer
so do my siiigghhhs…
inhale, exhale like the rolling of the tide
aiming at where i truly wanna be
still so much life to live and see
freer yet than i’ve ever been
still, i’m bargaining for that absolute win
one life to live, i have nothing left to give
sing me a tune, let me savor some magick
to dispel this evil ill and all that feels so damn tragic

Across the Universe, covered by Fiona Apple. How I love Fiona Apple. I thought this song fit the poem, it’s tone, mood, and lyrics. The meaning of “jai guru deva” is literally “glory to the shining remover of darkness.” It reminds to bring into mind a higher consciousness, a connection to my soul, Nature, the earth, and to ground daily in order to get through the days of constantly giving so much of my energy. Sometimes helping is fucking exhausting. Full lyrics here.

Photo by Ciocan Ciprian on Unsplash

shades of gray

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shades of gray
this month of May
when all things are blooming,
sweet buds perfuming
surrounded by shadows and despair
is there something toxic in the air?
pressure to please
like a weighted vest,
faces that bleed,
where is my best?
beyond my reach
dear soul i do beseech
a moment of rest
to find the brightest
star in the sky
to remind me that
there is light
may dawn restore
and once again ignite
starry dreams to be yet cast
a life in full bloom at long last

Sirius, aka the Dog Star, or Sirius A, is the brightest star in our night sky. It means “glowing” in Greek. My closest friends know that I have a special relationship with Sirius. Only a few planets, the full moon, and the International Space Station outshine this groovy star. A companion star, Sirius B, was discovered by astronomers in 1862. The star we can see with the naked eye, though, is Sirius A, otherwise known as just Sirius. How I do wish I had a powerful telescope to look at the night sky.

Photo by Unsplash in collaboration with Allec Gomes

waning gibbous

8 Replies

Good afternoon or evening wherever you may be. We’re heading into a new month very soon. I have some wishes for May that I hope come to pass. We shall see.

I’ve been struggling with hyper-fatigue for the past couple of months. It’s worsened and become more difficult in the last month to do anything other than make it in to work and back home. I boxed yesterday and felt really tired afterward. Usually, boxing energizes me, but yesterday, I needed to take several little breaks during class. I have very stiff, sore muscles today, as it’s been nearly 3 weeks since I last boxed due to fatigue. Stretching is in order, but there is a part of me that wants to do more strenuous exercise, like boxing. I miss it. The weekends are just not long enough for restoration, and most days, I wish I could just stay in bed and do nothing. As such, I haven’t been writing as much as I’d like to. Just no energy to think or for creativity. I’m hoping that by Fall, my schedule has changed so that I’ll have more time away from work, particularly summer, winter, and spring recesses. At times, I feel angry that work takes the better part of my day and energy, and yet one has to make a living. So, I do my best at self-care, although I eat way too much ice cream, lol.

We’re also in the first phase after a Full Moon, the Waning Gibbous phase. The moon’s energy is decreasing, and it’s a good time to focus inward. The waning period is associated with letting go of that which does not serve you, e.g., self-limiting beliefs or fears that are holding you back, changing one’s schedule! There will be a New Moon on May 8th. I love New Moons and like to set new intentions in the hopes that with focus, time, and energy, my intentions have come to fruition by the time the Full Moon arrives, or are at least heading in that direction. I journal my intentions to help me commit and map out necessary steps toward achieving them. A Full Moon arrives every 29.5 days roughly. Our next Full Moon is on May 23rd, and it’s known as the Flower Moon – it coincides with the blooming of many flowers in the northern hemisphere. But first things first – focusing inward and letting go of things that no longer serve. Can you tell that I love talking about the moon? There are some things I’m working on letting go of in order to conserve my energy. Unfortunately, socializing is one of them. So less time with groups of people. Solitude is restorative – another reason I avoided the gym, or perhaps an excuse not to go???

Wherever you are in the world, I’m wishing you a very good and healthful week. Thanks again for following/subscribing to my blog. May you look inward and let go of that which no longer serves 🙂 🌖 🌕 🌔

Photo by Guillermo Ferla on Unsplash