How I hate disappointing you.
The silence that follows.
It screams, “you failed,”
and that primeval hammer
in my nervous system
sounds the alarm.
My younger self, her face
red and burning,
insides churning;
her hands balled up
in tight little fists.
She silently rages
and turns her pain inward.
I am not fooled by
your sugar-coated words,
your pious efforts that appear
like some kind of holiness;
they just as quickly
become poisonous quills.
I am letting go,
for in letting go I am free –
Oh that my freedom
had not come at
such a high cost!
It is a double-edged sword,
a fine balance
between power and sacrifice,
relief and sorrow,
feeling everything
and nothing at all,
often at the same time.
I weep for all the things lost,
yet all the things gained.
My heart is lop-sided.
And lop-sided shall it be
till better days arrive.
I will survive.
For a lop-sided heart
is better than an
imprisoned one.
Let me rejoice in
having a heart at all.
in the quiet of the morning,
my heart open wide
the wind softly whispers
let go, let go my child
yesterday was heavy
a heart full of sorrow,
your troubles, far too many
for any one human to hold
follow the light of the sun
for it will always rise
bask in its warmth and promise
that tomorrow you will shine
The Sun is the source of all life on Earth. It represents optimism and abundance. It radiates with warmth and vitality. The Sun also represents creativity. Sunflowers, one of my favorite flowers, represent happiness, loyalty, and longevity. Young sunflowers move to face the sun, thus the name, “sunflower.” Perhaps, that’s why I’m drawn to them 🙂
Can you believe we’re almost midway through June? Is it just me or does time really fly?
I’ve had the past 10 days free of work, frolicking on the beach and house hunting. It’s been exceedingly lovely to rest and restore. I so enjoyed my time off from work and spending time with friends. It was much needed. I don’t think I could have worked another day. In the span of 10 days, I found a new home rental that I’ll be moving into in just a matter of weeks. Wow. It is a time of action with the waxing crescent moon, so I guess the timing is fitting. It feels as though a lifetime occurred in the last 10 days
I’ve gone back and forth about this new home, questioning whether it’s the right move. It’s small, just the right size, very nice, and has cottage-y vibes. I adore the house. The homeowner I experienced as warm and approachable. There’s a small backyard with string lights and enough room to move in my baby grand piano. So what’s the hang up? It’s just further away from the beach, where I’ve lived for the past year. A close friend and I have lived walking distance from each other’s apartment, and I will truly miss that as well as walking across the street to the beach. The new house is in a somewhat mixed neighborhood, meaning it’s in a relatively safe area, but my first impression was, it’s kinda “sketchy.” I keep reminding myself that the home has a backyard. I’ll be able to keep my sweet pup for longer periods of time. I think she’ll feel more comfortable in the space and will have a backyard to explore. I share her with my ex. She loves her doggie door and big backyard at what used to be the home we all shared. It was one of the hardest things ever to leave her.
Change. Change is hard. So many changes in the last year. More changes to come. I should be celebrating, yet I feel a little sad about leaving this space, and ultimately, endings. It’s the end of a chapter. I wanted to stay close, but home properties are less available and more expensive. Life is complicated, messy. How I wish it weren’t so. I will miss this area very much, despite crazy apartment living and crazy neighbors. For many months, it’s been a safe haven, a place to heal.
Why move? I’ve asked myself a million times, weighing the pros and cons obsessively. My lease is up on June 12th, so it seemed an appropriate time. Moreso, I’ve been longing for a home with a backyard for my dog, space for my baby grand, and privacy.
There is much to love about the new house, and I’m grateful that the owner chose me to rent to. The beach is about a 10-minute drive south. Change and transition, nevertheless, are hard, even when it’s for the best. I get attached to things and people. I don’t want to lose what I’ve worked hard to attain. My higher self tells me it’s a time of rebirth, but I seem to be gritting my teeth.
So, cheers to new adventures and new beginnings. If I could trust that the Universe has my back, I suppose transition would feel easier. But trust does not come easy. So be it. Let the packing begin. Once settled, I’m certain I’ll fall in love with the house, and who knows, maybe the neighborhood.
Been obsessed with The Marias latest album, Submarine. No One Noticed seems to describe my mood lately.Â
Musings of a Taiwanese American Adoptee 